just what, exactly, was i thinking?

I was cleaning my room recently and came across an old journal type book I've had since college. I knew what was in it and felt that the opening pages [lists of "Top 5s"] could be pulled out and thrown away. I knew they were outdated. Skimming thru some of the lists, one caught my attention and got me to stop and read through it: Top 5 . . . Dream Jobs. In he words of my younger, foolish college self:

1. club owning DJ/Bartender
2. Photographer
3. Executive Produce/Talent Scout for a record label
4. Owner of a music store
5. Lawyer

So, as tonite's entry asks, what was i thinking?

I can, somewhat ashamedly, admit that #5 was placed on that list simply because I knew I was going to law school without really knowing what I wanted to do in life. [As for the rest of that list, I'd say I've grown up about some of it and also refined some of the ideas behind certain entries.]

I think most people would be really happy to have found employment in one of their top 5 dream jobs. I found employment as #5, but it never really deserved to be there . . . and more generally, the entire list was somewhat youthful and confused. I didn't even have 5 things for the list at that time in my life.

And while most would find great joy in knowing that they work, or have worked, as one of the top 5 dream jobs, it's pretty tough to realize how far you are from any of those dream jobs. Some think dreams of rather childlike; we all need to grow up one day and get realistic about things. But is that really so? An old favorite quote of mine is a passage from James Baldwin's "Sonny's Blues," which reads

While there's on so much you can do with it, the only way to find this out is to try; to try and make it do everything.

Another favorite [one's the precise language escapes me right now] is that one should aim for the moon because even if u miss, u may still hit a star.

And so I'm left to wonder about when one should be realistic and now hold onto some of the dreams in life. Obviously, bills need to be paid and reality comes with its difficulties. But even as I grow older, I still find myself living in my head...a place of dreams and fantasies and things of all possibilities. Sometimes I worry that it's not a place to spend as much time in as I do.

**********

The answer to this entry's question is that I was looking for justification. I wanted a valid reason to go to law school . . . and to be honest I got to law school and met many people who had much better reasons for being there than I did. I came up with reasons for going to law school. And more importantly, I really enjoyed law school and learned a lot form the experience. I have no regrets about going to law school. But that doesn't mean I don't have questions in life now about precisely what I want to do. The job I had over the past couple years taught me many things and helped answer some questions about just what I want to do and what I want in life, but it also created some new questions as well. As I ramble on about this I think that many of my questions are normal and just a part of life and "growing up" and facing this thing they call the real world. I think I'm just expressing some of these normal thoughts out loud, in a manner of speaking, for the first time in a while as I haven't really discussed the issue(s) at length with anyone. I think it's time to do something about that . . .

**********

And now, the current Top 5 dream jobs, in no particular order and also without really knowing all there is to know about the stated profession(s):

1. artist [primarily a photographer but also a mixed-media artist]
2. teacher/professor
   
3. architect
4. journalist
5. . . .

it's kinda funny that, altho revamped and rethought, i still struggle to fill out position #5 [this is actually nothing new for me as i often struggle to complete lists like these for reasons beyond me]. some sick, foolish, funny part of me wants to put something relating to the law. it would be a truer statement now than it was a handful of years back when i wrote out that original list. but i don't think i could put something like that in good conscience right now simply because, even if turns out to be true, i'm yet to really properly define it.

but that's OK. life's about figuring it out. u can have all the dreams u want, u can even attain those dreams and think u know exactly what u want to be or to do in life . . . and then it can all change. it's all temporary i guess.

why?

u ever wonder why the world is the way it is? i'm guessing we all wonder about it at some point, in one way or another. tonite i started wondering why it is that, as they say, bad things happen to good people...and also why good things happen to seemingly bad people.

maybe the more important question is: what are u going to do about it (with "it" being the way the world is). i mean, in some ways u can't do anything about the why, even if u understand it. but, we're taught to believe that we can do things about our current circumstances, whatever they may be. changing present circumstances can be difficult and exhausting tho...and it again begs the question of why some are able to do it with what seems to be more ease than others.

it makes me wonder about whether external forces play some role in everything or whether we really can just change things. for example, my present job situation. i need to find new work (and i'm ready to do so and really want to do so). but sometimes i wonder why something doesn't just fall into my lap. i've definitely heard of such things happening...and i've also heard of people lining things up with much more ease than i ever have in the past. this is just an example and not something i mean to belabor or whine about (i know that currently i need to put more effort into job hunting as i have been out of the country and taking things easier as a personal break for myself).

i think this topic can easily blur into one about religious beliefs...it's probably in part related to such beliefs. i'm comfortable with my religious beliefs and feel i've reached said comfort by first being brought up in a certain religion, then learning at least a little about different religious, and finally reaching a point of questioning things and establishing my own set of values and beliefs on religion in general...but after babbling about this for a paragraph, it's not really the direction i want to go in here.

...as usual, i don't really know where i want to go with this and am just jotting down whatever comes to mind. i'm coming to realize this space really is just the ramblings of an odd individual who sometimes gets inspired to write but then grows distracted. maybe that has something to do with the why of things in life and the world...haha.

the more and more i think about it, i feel that while the why does matter and is of importance and consequence, it's not determinative of outcomes and one needs to focus on what to do about one's circumstances. this is very difficult for me personally for a couple of reasons. first, i'm just curious and always feel like if i know why then i'll be better able to deal with whatever it is...it provides a sense of closure at times and comfort at others. the second reason is that oftentimes it's difficult for me to really motivate myself into action mode. usually i'm scared...scared because i don't really know what i'm doing or what step to take...scared of failure...scared to even admit that...and on top of all of that, part of me just hopes that if my intentions are there and they're good, then something good will just happen.

so, when good things happen to people, is it just something that happens or is it something they make happen? that's a more accurate question in terms of my nite's wonderings. my personal guess? it's a combination of the two...things do just happen and people also do certain things to either make things happen or put themselves in situations where things can happen.

day of turkey & thanks

It's been a long time since I've done any blogging. I've got the easy excuse of the fact that I was traveling for a month, but even then I could have found the time and means to write a little something. And even before the trip it was possible to spend more time on this blog. But honestly, I felt uninspired for much of the time I wasn't writing. While away, I spent a fair amount of time thinking about writing and things to write about...hopefully I'll get to those topics shortly. But, today is the day of the great turkey, more commonly known as Thanksgiving.

So, what am I thankful for? Before I get to that, I'm going to admit that I had a slight panic attack of sorts yesterday as I became overwhelmed with figuring out aspects of my near future and my current life situation of not working. During said period of being overwhelmed I of course spent some time thinking and wondering about things and realized that, no matter the situation there's plenty of things to appreciate in life, especially with Thanksgiving and the holiday season going on.

And now, onto some of the many things I"m thankful for this year: my friends and family, the opportunity to spend a month traveling...and to be able to spend most of the time with my mom and a good amount with my brother (as well as a friend in London who was one of the more gracious hosts I've ever had). I'm thankful for the opportunity to meet a good number of new people during my trip...it's always nice to make new friends. I'm thankful that there are so many people back here who were happy to see me return and are such good friends in general. As a way of generally summing up what i'm thankful for, I'll say the following: I'm thankful for all that I have and the opportunity to see what tomorrow brings. I'm also thankful for the things I lack in life that I'm looking for, because it's important to have things to strive for in life.

I hope everyone has had or is having a fantastic, delicious and safe Thanksgiving. more writing to come soon...

finally, some ramblings...

i think this has been my longest absence from this space since i began writing here...and as with all the other times a gap in writing takes places i feel pretty lame about it. the past few months have been pretty eventful and involved a lot of change and adjustment, but all in a good way. but in the rush, hubbub, and tumult of it all it's been all too easy to become lackadaisical...and not just with the blogging but all the responsibilities of daily and adult life.

in all honesty, at times it becomes a bit frightening. like terrifying. one way to look at it is to see it as a lack of "gumption" or ambition. it easily comes off as that...but i know that isn't the issue. it's more of an existential crisis of sorts, one where i'm at the stage of knowing many of the standards that have applied (or at least existed and seemed to apply) are in ways irrelevant now, but i'm frozen and unsure of just what to do.

leaving LA and a job that left me dissatisfied was the first step in attempting to deal with the realizations of life and actually a way of preemptively dealing with the paralysis. in a way, it accelerated the paralysis...but in a good way. it avoided or curtailed a period of denial, i guess.

anyway...these are just tonite's ramblings that may or may not lead to anything of substance. life's tough to figure out. i'm hoping that this week's trip to Greece will help figure a few things out...a bit cliche, maybe...but hey...u never know, right?

weekend up [north]

I guess it's only fitting that my first post since the big move [which went quite well a couple weeks ago for those wondering] is a weekend recap from me heading out of town and away from SF. Ironic in a way, but fitting too. I headed back to Meeeeeechigan for a close friend's wedding this past weekend...which involved 4 flights in 6 days, as well as a road trip to Glend Arbor from the A2. On with the highlights..

• an ironic return to LA
• McDonald's at the airport
• a very brief nap
• forgetting 2 cameras
• stealing cheese bread
• the road trip north
• "I've got a question..."
• Pasties
• friends noticing that i wasn't as lame after the change in circumstances
  
• "Control yourself, take only what you need from it"
• "It was all a dream, I used to read word up magazine!"
• getting us everywhere we were going
• the bomb ass cabin
• the mugs
• so many of the homies all together again
• Roth getting busted sans ID
• the server
  
• stupid wrestling
• beer down Deefs' pants
  
• late nite pizza
• Al's uncharacteristic jokes
• roaming Glen Arbor for a bit
• cherry wine tasting
• the hot tub...in the rain
• suiting up
• the wedding itself
• the sweet live band
  
• Crown & Coke and the cool bartender
• crappy pizza
• the after party
• someone coming thru with the clutch auxiliary cable
  
• the MJ glove
• tearing a hole in my pants
• boom-dizzle's adorable kids
• stumbling around in the morning
• brunch
• laughs with good friends
• doing a little driving on the way home
  
• so many random, funny comments and remarks that i didn't memorize but know were said
• getting to spend some time with my parents
• bday dinners
  
• jalapeno chicken and green beans with pork
• bday brunch
• a nite in LA with Ted Maroon
• going overboard at the Habit
• something like 4 burgers in 6 days
• the movie hook up on the plane
• the awesome weather in SF
  
• the crazy old ladies who lost a cellphone
• getting back to the pad

It was a big weekend that was epic and much needed. It was great to spend time with family and old friends [but who are still some of my closest friends]. A funny little escape from what really is an escape already. More words need to be written here...hopefully I'll make that happen.

weekending

Over the past 2+ years, I traveled to San Francisco for the weekend on many, many occasions. At some point, I began to document these travels as they were a great escape from the daily grind and also true highlights for me. Many of my closest friends live in SF and it's a City I love as much as any other in the world that I've had the opportunity to experience. During the many weekends up there I made a lot or great memories and have also made some new friends to add to the amazing collection of established friends I already had up there. I was often asked, "when are you going to move to SF?" To which I responded: as soon as I get a job.

A couple months back I was talking with a good friend about the whole moving deal. We were discussing a joking desire of mine to get laid off, as then with the allotted amounts of unemployment checks I'd happily move to SF. He pointed out that there's a point where that $475 a week or so doesn't matter and it's just time to move.

Well...that time has come. This past week I informed my office that I was going to be leaving the firm and Thursday ended up being my last day. So...I'm moving on up to the City where I belong.

And now I can explain the delay in posting the list of highlights from my most recent trip to SF. It was the end of an era as we celebrated my good friend Peter moving out of San Francisco (for the second time) to New York for grad school. But, knowing what I did at the time, this last weekend trip was also the end of the era of me traveling to SF for simply a weekend jaunt. The next time I'm there, it will be on the permanent...and I can't wait.

With all that in mind...let's do this one more time:

• yet another delay...but not as long of a delay as the earlier flight i tried to get on
• good talk with the oldest of friends
• playlisting up
• buying a buckeye a beer
• good company on the plane
• a ride from the airport
• rice and chinese sausage - the meal of the weekend
• drinks, good conversation, and old friends
• LBP
• glimpses of the future
• jowling
• Farmer Brown's brunch and bottomless mimosas
• getting hooked up
• Peter in love
• buying some beer for the partay
• a brief chill out session
• beer pong & regaining my form
• 2 bounce shots
• hearing from Los
  
• the greatest pong shot ever
• metro burger and tots
• the house party
• Sam and friends coming out!
• a capella
• the soul pole
• dancing the nite away...and the legs hurting the next day
  
• rick rolling the party [again]
• all the greenhills kids
• entouraging up
• Ed's porridge-like late nite rice [don't trying making rice in a rice cooker whilst drunk]
• the day of 3 drunks
• watching some awful soccer
• napping up
• chasing down muni buses
• hanging out watching movies
• a ride to the airport
  
• a fitting end to an era

I can't put into words how much the weekends away have meant to me over the past couple of years. They were necessary and help me keep my sanity. I can't wait to get up to the Bay and actually be around those I am close to and in the place where I feel I belong. I also can't believe it's happening. All I know is that I'm thankful for all the good times and good friends. I'm also thankful for the warm reception the news of my LA departure has gotten and the welcoming feeling I'm getting from those up in the City. See u soon, SFC.

weekend not updated

last weekend's update will be coming somewhat soon...probably during next weekend sometime. apologies for the delay and brief hiatus. it was a bit weekend, end of an era in some ways. more to come...