august

it comes tomorrow. it's my favorite month of the year. not because it's the month of my birth, altho that may play an inherent, deep seeded role in it...something in the subconscious. but on a more apparent level it reminds me of a younger time in life: summer coming to a close, heading back to school. many don't like heading back to school and in some ways it isn't the best thing in life. yet [for me] the end of summer is beautiful. i love fall and it always brought me pleasure to come back and see my friends on a more regular basis, catching up on all that summer was and getting fun new school supplies [yes, i'm a dork and proud of it...check the myspace]. there's just a beauty to the month in my opinion.

anyway, i'm looking forward to august. july was quite possibly one of the most crazy and intense months of my life: personal woes and difficulties as severe as any i'd ever faced, finally finding a job, two trips to san francisco in just a couple of weeks, seeing a good friend off for a month, adjusting to work. more's gone into it but overall it was a great month in the sense that i experienced a lot, grew a lot, faced adversity and am still standing here now.

i'm feeling good vibes about august. hoping for the best, looking forward to yet another trip to sf for my bday and getting to see some of the best ppl in the world. i'm just using my bday as yet another excuse to spend quality time with quality ppl.

so let the month begin...in like 52 minutes...

What's up with my iced tea at starbucks costing $2.10 tonite when every other nite it cost an even $2?!? <=/

perfect

There's a perfect dance party in my mind. The beats are hot, an uninterrupted flow of music, a perfect playlist from within my mind. The ppl are my ppl: they love to dance, they know how to get down, they appreciate music and ppl who love to dance too.

It's not some freakfest, where all everyone does is bump n grind. Don't get me wrong, the ladies love my bump n grind and while there's some of that, that's not what it's about. It's about feelin the beat, moving yo' feet, and just puttin it down. It's about love: of music, dancin, wild n' out.

It's not all ppl I know but there are a lot of them there. And the thing is, not everyone knows what's coming their way. My true ppls do [cuz they done seen it and are in the know]. But it really is like ya don't know. But I guess there's a reason most don't know...it's just kinda how I roll.

Maybe the party will happen, I think it will [possibly my birfday? hopefully my wedding too (with my homies rockin the Thriller dance with me)? we'll see].

I feel kinda funny walkin around listening to snow patrol while wearing my snow patrol t-shirt. <=p

shout out

one thing i forgot to mention in my last couple of posts is how excited i am for my boy PYT to finally be getting back to the motherland. he's well on his way by now but live it up in Scotland my man. it's going to be an awesome experience and i can't wait to hear all your tales when u get back.

absolutely amazing...beautiful

these lyrics simply blow my mind...

We need to feel breathless with love
And not collapsed under its weight
I'm gasping for the air to fill
My lungs with everything I've lost

i love the song terribly [Snow Patrol's Its Beginning to Get To Me] but these words just blow my mind. Music can contain so much emotion to it, which is how and why it moves me and is part of why it's such an integral part of my life, who i am, who i want to be.

today a song came on as i rode AIR BART to the airport. it was a song someone who used to be close to me showed me. it moved me, not like in the sense that i usually refer to of chills and a sense of perfect contentment in that moment, but in a more emotional sense. to be honest it really saddened me. why? i guess because the song, a Christian song, is something i learned a lot from and something that inspires me to grow...but now that person isn't around to know about it and even if she were she probably wouldn't care or understand in the way she should.

at the same time, it's about me and my personal growth, not her or her appreciation of me [or complete and utter lack thereof]. anyway...i really love the lyrics above and i'm gonna go enjoy music for the rest of the nite...unwinding, thinking, reflecting, getting back to me [something i think i did a lot this weekend in some ways], and just enjoying life for these moments as i get some rest for the work week.

one.

surprises

before i get into my weekend recap [a favorite of mine after trips to SF for some reason - prolly because of the number of silly things that happen when i'm with my ppls up there] i want to actually be serious for a minute. as i walked to pick up some domino's [since i'm too lazy to cook anything after my trip] i started thinking about something: people.

people can really surprise u, in a lot of different ways. sometimes the people closest to u end up treating u in a way u didn't know they were capable of; other times someone will tell you they did something u didn't know they had in them to do; people are sometimes really sad about something in their life but when u seem them they seem pretty happy. i guess some of it just goes to human functioning/abilities. i know that there's one thing i'm sad about in life but it's not like u saw me moping all weekend up in the Bay, so i guess i'm "guilty" of the last thing.

but i've been surprised in all those ways lately. it can really hurt, depending on what the surprise is and who surprised u. at the same time i've been pleasantly surprised too [by the ability of some people to be there for me when i didn't know they had my back like they do].

i guess it's hard to really, really know people. u think u do or u think u can trust someone but u don't/can't. it really, really hurts to find that out sometimes. thankfully, i've only really felt that way once [unfortunately recently], even if i've gotten hurt in other ways by surprises. i feel extremely lucky to have people in my life who i do truly trust and i feel like i've got a pretty big group of people i feel that way about in my life.

but still, it's tough to swallow what happened just a couple of weeks ago. beyond that, i'm struggling with another surprise someone close to me dropped on me...putting my mind into somewhat of a tailspin. at times i sit here completely unsure of what to do, what to think. i do my best to not judge anyone and i think i do well at it. but do i say the things on my mind to these people? i feel my words will go lost on deaf ears. beyond that, what do u say to someone who u feel let u down? why do u even want to say anything to them in the first place?

it's saddening. but like i said above, u're not going to just see me moping all the time [maybe some of it, especially if u're close to me and know me well]. life has a lot of different facets and aspects to it...one difficulty doesn't negate other positives. but i'm comfortable admitting some things in life are hard and not how i want them to be...
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as for the weekend, i had a lot of fun just being around good ppl. i got up there friday nite and me and the boys headed out shortly after i got to my friend Peter's pad [after a fun BART ride late at nite and a cab ride]. the crew rocked out like we always do and had a great time. i'm not going to give a play by play of the weekend but it was a really good time. i'm glad that i've got such good friends in such a great place. i'm also glad that, as of now, i can get up there pretty frequently to see some of the best ppl in the world.

here are some weekend highlights...

• meeting Turk from Scrubs [Donald Faison] while waiting for my flight at the Burbank airport
• all the good dancing with my ppls
• late nite grilled cheese and a good talk with 'Los [many thanks for some more perspective my man]
  
• going old school with Deefs and intentionally choosing to watch a movie that had no hopes of being good [but of course had it's funny moments]
• the fact that my ppls had my back in a heart beat when some guy felt a need to try and start beef with me by head butting me, after he elbowed me and i just wondered what he was doing
• the girl who responded to me saying "Don't be looking at my man!" as I groped Al by saying "Don't worry, I like pussy."
  
• 2 aborted trips to the End Up [due to ridiculous cover charges]
• the 2 "5 block" walks that each turned out to cover about 18 blocks
• the "dipping of the feet" at Judy's hot tub
  
• heading home for the 'nite' as all the SF Marathon runners were just getting ready to warm up and what not
  
• somehow managing to get to BART and then the airport on 3 hours sleep
• buying & eating a "Big Dipper" ice cream cone from the ice cream guy while walking to pick up my Domino's

now that i'm up to a little under 5 hours of sleep for the nite [after a short nap] i think it's time to pass out again for a bit...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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post nap update:
the thing i loved most about this weekend was that all my ppls had a good time and enjoyed each others' company. i think it's a good sign when one group of your friends really enjoys your friends from another group. can't nobody step to my ppls.

many thanks to everyone for making it out and holding it down.

Ahh...another great wknd full of fun. <=] I'm on BART now, making my way back home. Too tired, but i'll write more at some point today.

I just shook hands with Chris Turk (Donald Faison)!!! I am so happy right now. <=]

d'argh...i forgot what i wanted to write about...

one thing: i just got a $15 off card for my birfday from banana republic. awesome, yes [altho i just bought a couple shirts there last nite and saving the extra cash woulda been nice...but i'm sure to buy more stuff from there anyway]
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i think the feature i miss the most from xanga is the private posting [along with the faces...i love the faces]. u can also posted in what they call a "protected" fashion, allowing u to choose who can read what's posted. lately i try to write in my journal [by hand] on a more regular basis. it reminded me of private posting on xanga, which i did a few times along with a good number of protected posts. in the end, i'll never shut down the old blogs and so they'll always be there. i never want to attempt to take away the past...from myself or anyone else [there's something to that last part but i'm sure it will go unnoticed or not understood].

anyway, the point i meant to get at was this: in writing in my journal, i spent some time looking back at previous writings. i think it's natural, but most of the writing came from a prior difficult time in my life: a breakup i think i wrote about on this blog, when i first started living on my own. it was a very difficult time in my life and one in which, especially looking back at what i wrote, i know i grew and learned a lot.

one thing i wrote about repeatedly was how, even after most of the breakup difficulties passed and i was just really facing the challenge of living alone, i didn't feel like myself in some ways. i wrote about getting back to me, even tho i knew i didn't know all of me there was to know at the time. in other words, i felt a need to get back to me even tho some of what i was "getting back to" was new and undiscovered.

it reminds me of a James Morrison lyric from the song Undiscovered. I'm not going to put the entire song up [in part because i feel i'm taking something a bit out of context]. the line goes: "I'm not lost; not lost, just undiscovered"

another great song and it's kinda how i feel again: not quite myself in all the ways i should be but also knowing that some of the me i'm getting back to is someone i'm yet to meet. i believe that, due to experiences in my life, i know myself pretty well. but at the same time i know growth will come and i always strive to improve [not that i'm down on myself...just a constant effort, not struggle, to better myself and find a new standard].

these are my thoughts for tonite. i feel they're pretty personal and so i don't feel as much of an urge to pull out my journal. but the journal will come around with me this weekend as i adventure and i hope to find the time to write in it...
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hope everyone has a good weekend!

Today's update: i just got my business cards! I feel like such an adult. Hehe <=]

comments

i just looked at the settings and realized that "only registered users" can leave comments. well, i changed it to make it open to anyone. didn't realize the default setting limited things...anyway, just wanted to let everyone know [in case u tried leaving a comment and couldn't]
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so, like the text post before this one says, made a mistake at work and felt pretty stupid for a minute. but i also knew that i'm there to make mistakes and learn from them. i enjoy working so far. it's a good challenge, it's nice to feel like a part of something, it's nice to feel productive and useful.

i feel pretty out of words for some reason tonite. =/ i'm looking forward to the weekend tho...

Made (what i think was) my first mistake today at work. =/ nothing major (didn't get anyone in trouble) but still...

I can tell u already that the highlight of today is hearing mc hammer on the radio right now as i drive to work.

movement

I keep thinking about the other nite at the Snow Patrol concert...that moment of contentment during Open Your Eyes. It's music's ability to move me in such a manner that explains my passion for it. Life without music would not be life for me. I've talked about this before and will many more times I'm sure...anyone else ever feel like this? I hope so

As for other stuff, I wanted to work on this motion I got assigned today but after a long talk on the phone and then a late dinner and some time writing at Starbucks again I'm just too tired. =/ Thinking about calling it an early nite [at least in terms of shutting it down and just watching Stevie the Tevie] and actually waking up when my first alarm goes off so I can get in a little earlier and work hard early.

But still, that moment amazes me...even just listening to the song at home takes me back to it...=]

lyrics: [and please, please go out and listen to this song...if u haven't already heard it]

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you

My bones ache my skin feels cold
And I'm getting so tired and so old

The anger swells in my guts
And I won't feel these slices and cuts

I want so much to open your eyes
Cause I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open you eyes [x4]

Get up get out get away from these liars
Cause they don't get your soul or your fire
[Cause they don't see what I see in you]

Take my hand knot your fingers through mine
And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time

Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere

I want so much to open your eyes
Cause I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes [x a bunch]

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you

- Snow Patrol, Open Your Eyes
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A couple of notes on this wonderful song:

• the lyrics bracketed above [Cause they don't see what I see in you] do not actually appear in the song but are in the liner notes where the lyrics are contained. part of why i included them is because of their personal significance when it comes to this song. i also feel their presence in the liner notes adds to the song in a way, even if they go unsung
• the "bridge" of the song [if it's appropriate to call it that] really rocks my world...no lyrics, just pure music that lifts me to a higher plane

funny thought

sometimes i think my purpose in life is to bring out a side of ppl that most normally don't get to see. i've seen it happen with a lot of the ppl i've been closest to in life.

...

i feel like in some ways i already used all my words for the day. i spent some time writing in my journal tonite, the first time in a long time [more than 2 months unfortunately]. i love writing and i'm happy so many words appear on this blog so far. in some ways it's like going to the gym: once u start doing so everyday u get somewhat hooked. speaking of the gym i need to start getting more exercise =/

well, not much i want to say right now beyond good luck to everyone taking the bar over the next couple days. i'm hoping for the best for all of you and got mad faith in everyone.

one.

I got my name put on my door finally! Awesome. <=]

live

I love live music [at least when the performers are good]. Tonite I went to see Snow Patrol at the Greek Theatre, a couple miles from my house in Griffith Park, with a good friend. The concert was awesome! The opening act, Hot Hot Heat, really surprised with a stellar performance. As for Snow Patrol, they too rocked the house. The music was great and the lead singer was a funny guy with a wicked Irish accent. The bug that appeared added quite a few laughs. =]

I think it's clear to those who know me that I really love music. My blog at times might as well be dedicated to music and not about anything else. Hehe. =p Now that I'm working and becoming more independent I plan on doing some things I didn't get the chance to before, like go to more concerts. I don't regret any of the concerts I've attended, even if they got somewhat pricey at times. Music is such an important part of my life and getting the chance to see artists whose music I love perform their craft live is just amazing, if not moving at times.

Tonite was so much fun. I love the latest Snow Patrol album, Eyes Open. Many of the songs mean a lot to me on a personal level, something important to me. But I also just love the music for itself. Hearing so many songs I love and hearing them performed well in person [sitting not far from the stage too] was a great experience.

At one point, during the song Open Your Eyes I stopped and just took in the moment, watching all the people rock out together, hearing the music and loving it, finding a sense of contentment and completeness in that very moment. This might sound really lame to some but what can I say? Moments like those are part of why I love music so much.

I don't know if I've met anyone who feels the way I do about music. I know some people who come close and I think also feel something as significant and strong but slightly different. I'm not making any statements of being better than anyone else or anything like that, just that I'm yet to come across someone who I think fully gets me and music. It saddens me in some ways, in part because I've been extremely close to some people and for them to not understand makes me feel like a disconnect always existed in a way [a way in which it shouldn't in those types of relationships].

But I guess that's what makes it personal, right? Anyway, I was so happy with how great they sounded live that I overpaid for a Snow Patrol t-shirt [which I'm sporting right now as I type this entry]. I'm looking forward to the next concert I go to...just gotta figure out who to see next
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As for other stuff in life, life is full of all kinds of things. During the concert I thought about some of the songs, how much I love them, their personal significance to me. It hit me that, as time goes by, things change. It's not that the songs aren't meaningful but more that all the meaning they possess for me and how I tried to convey that to someone in the end loses it's meaning. Or rather, that meaning can be lost on someone.

You try your best and give all you can, that's all you can do and is all you have. In the end, if you do that you never have anything to be ashamed of or feel bad about. So many times in life we don't commit ourselves to things or people fully, we're often afraid to, sometimes just too lazy, and maybe don't even know how. No one is perfect; as humans we're not capable of perfection. But when you do give all of yourself, maybe that's a form of perfection or a perfect effort or something like that [I guess I'm not comfortable calling it perfect].

I make no [serious] claims to being better than the next person. [I make many joking claims to being better than everyone tho...hehe] But I do know that on some occasions I've given everything I could. Because of that, no matter what anyone else thinks I can stand tall, satisfied with things because I did all I possibly could. Obviously things aren't so simple, many other feelings and emotions play themselves out. But in those situations, even with any mistakes I made, I know I gave all I had and stayed true to myself.
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Tonite I leave my few readers with lyrics from 2 Snow Patrol songs. I put these here for reasons somewhat hard to explain. One of the songs might seem somewhat obvious or maybe both will, but at least some of the lyrics aren't as applicable as one might imagine. Anyway...enjoy the words and I seriously recommend you listen to the songs.

You Could Be Happy...

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all of the things I wish I had not said
Are played in loops til it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
Not our last days of silent screaming blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should've stopped you from waling out the door
You could be happy I hope you are
You made me happier than I've been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Just do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back don't think just do
More than anything I want to see you girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
You should be happy no matter what

Make This Go On Forever

Please don't let this turn into something it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could
All that I keep thinking throughout this whole fight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
The splintered mast I'm holding on Won't save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

The last girl and the last reason
To make this last for as long as I could
The first kiss and the the first time
That I felt connected to anything
The weight of water the way you taught me
To look past everything I have ever learned
The final word in the final sentence
You ever uttered to me was love

We have got through so much worse than this before
What's so different this time that you can't ignore
You say it is much more than just my last mistake
And we should spend some time apart
For both our sakes

The last girl and the last reason
To make this last for as long as I could
The first kiss and the the first time
That I felt connected to anything
The weight of water the way you taught me
To look past everything I have ever learned
The final word in the final sentence
You ever uttered to me was love (x2)

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness

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I'm sure some of these lyrics might appear contradictory. It's also just something you notice when you see artists putting music out there (e.g., Elliot Yamin's first single titled Wait For You followed by Movin' On - and yes, the first is about waiting for a girl for as long as it takes while the second is about getting over a girl). At first it bugged me but at the same time it's also a part of human nature to feel conflicting emotions. Sometimes at the same time and other times you feel them at different moments. It's difficult but also normal.
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I'm going to add a concerts section to my blog, another list for the right side of the blog. Right now I'm too lazy to dig thru all my old ticket stubs and also think of any other possible ones I've been to over the years. But for now, here are 5 of the best performers I've seen live...

• The Roots [@ Cyberfest]
• kanYe West [@ San Jose HP Pavillion]
• Lyrics Born [@ Cyberfest...this was a HUGE surprise but he set the mutha off!!!!!!!!!!]
• bt [@ Cyberfest]
• Snow Patrol [@ the Greek Theatre]

ok...gotta get some rest. big week of work ahead followed by a weekend i'm already looking forward to, even if it's still 5 days away [what's 5 days?] g'nite bloggie.

Live music rocks! More when i get home tonite. Concepts make me happy. <=]

the laziest day

I accomplished next to nothing today. =p It was pretty sad but in some ways I needed it. Not that I've been out going crazy working like a maniac and partying hard. But after a couple weeks of work [which is a continuing learning process] it was nice to spend a day sleeping on and off throughout all of it and just lounging. I wrote about how I could use some 'me time' and I definitely got it today.

Beyond vegging out I enjoyed just relaxing and spending some time with my thoughts and feelings and reflections. The one thing I did accomplish today? I headed out to the local Barnes & Noble and enjoyed a nice black tea while doing a little writing. I enjoy writing a lot, even though I feel I'm not particularly good at it. Tonight I just spent some time expressing myself in a different manner than usual: not in this forum on my blog or in my journal but rather just on paper in a specific form. I'd also like to spend some time this weekend writing in my journal but now that I'm home, the TV calls to me. hehe.

Unlike today, I hope to accomplish a lot tomorrow. A haircut will hopefully happen as well as some clothes shopping for work along with some other errands and a little cleaning up around the house. After a day like today that all sounds intimidating. Plus, I feel a need to do some work that I brought home and I've also got the Snow Patrol concert to go to in the evening.

Wow, looking at all that I'm already tired. Haha. Time to relax some more to prepare for tomorrow. =p

yes!

more lyrics

I don't believe you
And I never will
Oh I can't live by your side
With the lies you've tried to instill
I can't take anymore
I don't have to give you a reason
For leaving this time
Coz this is my last goodbye

It's like I hardly know you
But maybe I never did
It's like every emotion you showed
You kept well hid
And every true word that you ever spoke
Was really deceiving
Now I'm leaving this time
Coz this is my last goodbye

I've gotta turn and walk away
I don't have anything left to say
I haven't already said before
I've grown tired of being used
And I'm sick and tired of being accused
Now I'm walking away from you
And I'm not coming back

- James Morrison, The Last Goodbye

Again, I've just put the lyrics as they appear in the liner notes. I really love the James Morrison album. A lot of his songs are about heart break and the pain of relationships [or relationships ending]. I referenced the website SongMeanings on my old blog. Here's the link to the lyrics and comments of this song there.

One of the things I love about music is how it's open to interpretation. I think it's true for art in general. I've never really looked at art and said: oh, here's what the artist is attempting to convey. I know I mentioned it before but when it comes to my art work [I feel kinda funny calling it that] I just like to show people what I see and what I think is interesting.

If anyone takes the time to click on the link and read the comments, it's pretty obvious that different interpretations exists. I guess one could just ask Jame Morrison what he meant by the lyrics [co-written with Jimmy Hogarth and Steve McEwin] but I also feel that we can all take what we want or possibly need from the words as well.

My take on the song is somewhat different than the comments left on the link but similar in some regards. Most importantly, I feel my own personal interpretation [if that's really the right term, I'm not sure it is necessarily] is informed by my life experiences. Anyway, I love the song beyond any personal meaning I find in it...which is often true for songs I love [there's always the aesthetic as well as the meaning]

poor Bob

this is really sad and messed up. =*/

how come ppl do mean things?

whatever i wanna do

i wanted to write last night but after getting home late from happy hour (which went much beyond the typical hours of happy hour) and a late nite in n out feast with my peoples i was a bit too tired. that's one of the great things about working, i can do as i please, reporting only to me.

i told all of my friends who started working the same thing when they worried about working for the rest of their lives and all that stuff: working will add structure to your life and will be a good thing. everyone of them can now see how right i am on the matter: doing whatever during the week, staying out late or calling it a nite at home on weekends. it's nice.

as for me, i already discussed the whole distaste for the "live hard, play hard," motto/mentality. i just been doing me [those of you who find that funny are perverts...and i love u for it]. but yea...it's been a good time. last nite was a ton of fun, getting out, meeting some new ppl, and just doing what it do. an interesting time in some ways, but we'll leave that be...

no plans yet for this weekend but in some ways that sounds kinda nice. some me time is always welcome. been a bit busy and could use some time cleaning up around the house. i also just want to do some things i don't normally. nothing crazy but just some chill stuff. maybe take in a nite at starbucks with a book or something...but who knows what the future holds?

that's pretty much my stance on a lot of stuff right now. like the idea of moving back to SF...by the time it could become possible, who knows what i'll want in life. who knew i'd be sitting here under the circumstances i am in general? not i. i'm just gonna do me and take it day at a time...the next big decision for me: where to move to at the end of october...suggestions?

as for work...gettin a little bit of stress built up but i'm sure it'll be all bueno. i see some of the things my friends get to do and i'm a little jealous but i also feel lucky for the opportunity i've got right now. =]
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i thought about a return trip up north next weekend but tix are already up to $200. =/ really wanted to see my boy off before he heads to Scotland for a month...maybe we'll make it happen...only live once and what am i working for?
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that panda sure looks comfy...that's the life right there =]

I feel like things switched places. I doubt this makes any sense to anyone but me right now but i'll just say that what was predominate seems more the exception now. I'm glad and hopeful.

ugh

Yesterday I realized that I went my entire first week of work without getting a headache. I get headaches a little more often than most people I think, usually tension headaches that I attribute to poor posture. Well, as Murphy would have it, I got my first headache today. A pretty mild one compared to the usual but still not a lot of fun.

Oh well...still got thru the day. Yesterday I got to go beyond just research and draft a letter to a client. In the shower this morning I thought about it and realized how I could have done better with it. I checked to see if the partner sent out an edited version and he had, including edits similar to those I wish I made myself. =/

I'm cool with messing up and doing things wrong, it's a good thing to happen, especially at this time. But it's never fun. I guess the distaste for erring helps push me to learn and grow. But with this specific incident [as is often the case] when I realized what I did this morning, I knew it was because I got caught up in the moment and narrowed my field of vision basically. In part I was scared because I'd never written anything to a client before. Beyond that I just stopped thinking outside of myself, considering alternative ways of phrasing what needed expression.

I really enjoy writing. I think it's obvious from my blog [or I hope it is] but I also enjoy writing even in the legal or professional setting. But I know that I often cannot think outside my style of writing [in part why it's my style]. I feel like I'm not very good at editing because of this shortcoming. Just a thought...

Today I got to start propounding discovery and I'll get to do more of that tomorrow. I'm enjoying the learning process so far. I'm a bit jealous of some of my friends who are getting to make court appearances and do even more "lawyerly" things but I also know I'm in a good place with good opportunities.

Enough about work...I'm at home relaxing...time to enjoy life and release...

congrats...

to ChrisT. on the new work. we're making equally money man, haha.

also, when i came home today a message awaited me on my answering machine. at&t called to let me know that my DSL contract comes to a close on August 27th or something like that. it just now reminded me that the one year anniversary of moving down here is coming up in a little over a month.

it's been a crazy year. it's been a year full of change; aside from my family and friends, nothing is the same. some of it bad, some of it good. i really didn't picture any of the change when i came down here but it's interesting that even tho things didn't go as according to plan i'm still here stayin up and doing me.

but still, some of it is sad and there's no denying that [at least not for someone like myself]. to be honest, i really do want to go into more detail but i won't because in the end i'll feel better if i just write to myself in a more private fashion. some things just can't be shared on a blog [and not just things that involve other people].



a final note: i'm not sure if i ever mentioned this before but i think i'm the most passive writer in the history of time. law school taught as all about the passive voice [or at least taught me about it since i don't remember learning about it earlier in life...well educated but not actually intelligent] yet i write in the passive voice with a certain passion and enthusiasm. i catch myself all the time but often don't care. i personally don't see it as such a negative thing, believing there's a a certain usefulness to it.

thoughts on week one

I realized that I didn't end up writing about how the first week of work went. A couple people asked about it and it seemed like a good topic for the blog. It went pretty well. Things were pretty smooth and I got a couple of research assignments. I also did a little research on a couple of judges as well.

So far I enjoy working. I thought coming home after the weekend up north that I'd be pretty exhausted and not looking forward to Monday but last nite I actually felt pretty good about things (altho quite tired). It feels good to be active and a part of something. I'm still adjusting but I'd like to take things up a notch. It's hard going from not working and spending all day with ESPN to working a good 50 hours a week. I'm not complaining, just noting that I plan on getting better as time goes by. I feel like even today my focus was higher (even if I ran out of work today by days end, preventing me from getting in some billable time I'd like to have).

I'm so happy to be working. After how long the job hunt took I feel really blessed and lucky to have this opportunity. It's also why I've been so happy to hear about people I know getting jobs, I'm glad it's not taking them as long as it took me.
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I started reading an article on James Blunt's new album earlier tonite. I didn't come close to finishing it yet but I did read about how he spent a lot of time basically living alone during the process of making his latest effort. It's an interesting concept, just living completely alone for the most part.

I've never actually become a hermit. But I have lived alone for the most part the last couple of years. It first started second semester of law school. After a break up I got an apartment in San Francisco not far from school (across the street from where I lived during first year actually). It was probably the best time to live alone because it forced me to grow a lot and learn a lot about myself.

Living alone during that time was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I've learned a lot about independence and because of that I think I'm better able to appreciate the people in my life. Not many people ever live alone at any point in there lives. I mean, it's pretty easy and appealing not to do so. But personally, I'd recommend it.

Personally, I'm looking forward to the next stage in living alone: getting a bigger apartment, one with a bedroom. It's gonna be a change but a good one. For now I plan on continuing to live on my own but who knows what the future holds.

This post got pretty sidetracked, first by a call from a good friend and then by the need to do laundry as well as some blogging. I'm kinda dissatisfied with it at this point but oh well. =p Anyway, there will be more to come, of course.

Food comas are a difficult part of the day. =/

texting to the blog

So in perusing stuff on blogger I came across this thing about how you can post to your blog via text message. I think that's pretty cool and explains the post before this one. It's the first text to the blog. I'm kinda excited about it because a lot of times I end up thinking about things when I'm away from my blog that I want to write about. Obviously I won't go into crazy detail but still...I think it's cool.
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One thing I remembered from earlier is stuff relating to music. I spent a little bit of time in the Virgin Megastore up in SF [a place I always enjoyed wasting time in altho rarely bought stuff from...overpriced] hoping to find one of the CDs I bought recently at a listening station so I could listen to a song and just enjoy the way that specific song makes me feel. Alas, twas not to be. But I did come across a few trance compilation albums that had some good songs on them.

Stumbling across some new music came at a good time: I felt pretty neglectful about music lately. I guess with the business or work and trying to prep to start working and also just needing to organize a bunch of music...I fell back a bit. As a step back in the right direction here are some lyrics [I haven't posted lyrics in a while]. I really love this song, beyond the lyrics for it's aesthetics as well James Morrison's soulful voice on the track...

in my life i don't mean much to anyone
i've lost my way can't go back anymore
once i had everything now it's gone
don't tell me again coz i've heard it all before

some people say that i'm not worth it
i've made mistakes but nobody's perfect
guess i'll give it a try

i've got one last chance to get myself together
i can't lose no more time it's not or never and i try to remember who i used to be
i've got one last chance to get myself together

the time has come for me to change again
i can't carry on like this, i will lose my friends
don't say that you have given up on me
just give me the time and space to heal my head

i don't want to be misunderstood
i've got to take this chance and make it into something good

I didn't put the chorus repeats, just copied it right out of the liner notes. =/ I absolutely love that song. I recommend everyone find it and listen to it. I wouldn't be surprised if it's the next single released [in fact I think it was recently released in the UK as a single].

Part of the appeal of the song is how I can relate to it, but beyond that the "i've made mistakes but nobody's perfect" line resonates in a more general sense and gets back to something from a couple posts back. I know I've made more than my fair share of errors in life. But we're supposed to mess up. It's how you learn and grow. Everyone is capable of learning from their mistakes and growing. Things happen in a context as well and beyond that you can hear about something someone did wrong but you always hear one side and the dynamic between any 2 individuals is something no one outside of them can understand. These are all some of the reasons I do my best not to judge anyone based on the things I hear or even things that happen between myself and others.

Well, I'm getting sleepy again [already had nap time earlier tonite] from such a full weekend. G'nite!

What an interesting idea. I hope this works well.

not quite a whirlwind

ahhh...

It's nice to get home after a trip. I always enjoy coming back and the comforts of home. The trip was a lot of fun, a great way to celebrate the first week of work. A lot of people talk about how they work hard and play hard. Sometimes I feel that's a bit cliche [not that I'm hating on anyone who lives by that motto if that's what you call it]. I guess I'd just feel funny saying that's what how I try to live.

I just try to do me. That's how I'd put it. I don't know if anyone's ever heard that phrase before or if anyone reading this understands it but yea. I just try to be who I am and do what I do. It's not like a conscious thing of having some motto to live by but rather I just go about doing what comes naturally. I doubt I'm explaining this well. Oh well...=/

I really miss San Francisco. Seeing some old places, my good friends, going to familiar and new places...it's a great city and I can't wait til the next time I head north.
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Weekend highlights:

• great convo, laughs, anecdotes Friday nite with some good and hilarious friends
• nap time
• eating at some old favorite restaurants and just enjoying the food again
• spending some time with an old friend in person, as opposed to just chatting online
  
• getting asked "Do you have any STDs?" and the physical 'beating' I took on the dance floor
• brunch with quality friends today
• "I got plans"...hahahahahahaha

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As for the negativity I wrote about in my last post, it's still on my mind at times. It's hard but it's part of life. Things sometimes change, people change. It's a situation that I don't like and I wouldn't choose for things to be this way. I tried my best and gave all I had [which I'm sure some people don't know or understand], possibly trying too hard at times. My efforts came from a good place. But I can't dwell on it and all I can do is be true to myself and think and feel what I do, independent of others' opinions, words, actions.
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I feel like I wanted to write about some other stuff but it escapes me now. Maybe there'll be more posting later tonite...

here i am again

guess what?

I'm in San Francisco, again. Hehe. =]

A buddy and I just randomly decided to come up here while we were hanging out during happy hour on Thursday. I went home and booked my ticket and got up here last nite. Pretty random [and expensive] thing to do but totally worth it, even if my closest friend here actually flew back home to Ann Arbor last nite and won't be around all weekend. It's funny because people are pretty busy but I'm managing to get some good plans going with some of my closest friends. It's always great to see the people you care about, especially when some of them aren't as close by as you'd like.

Coming back into the City last nite from the Oakland Airport [with some major remodeling going on up in the piece out there] was exhilarating, just like every trip back up here. In some ways it was different and better and more freeing than others and just makes me want to move back here. For now I'm in LA...the job just started and I'm planning on putting in some good time there before moving on because there's no point to something short term and I know I won't really find a better opportunity right now [not that I'm even looking]. But the love for the City really got reignited last nite. I'm just going to see where life takes me over the next couple of years and if the circumstances are right, I could definitely end up back here.

Also, last nite was a TON of fun, hanging out with some of my favorite people sharing stories, laughs, and just general stupidity. Aside from the support I've received from friends lately I'm thankful that I know people who are so fun to be around and just get me, my sense of humor, and make me laugh.
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Unfortunately not everything in life is great. I don't want to go into detail because honestly it's rather private and personal but the past few days involved some surprises from people and some really negative words/actions.

I feel completely misunderstood by some people [mostly people who do not know me at all] and at times that is difficult to deal with. But I know the people who actually know me and truly care about me do understand me, they support me, and they're honest with me. I can tell them any and everything. Most importantly, I know myself.

Finally, it's not our place to judge anyone. I know I don't go to church nearly often enough but I work on my faith a lot in my personal time. I still need to get a Bible but one thing I have learned: we are human and as such we are flawed. As someone who is not perfect, who am I to judge anyone else for their shortcomings or mistakes? On top of that, how could I even hold a mistake against someone when I've made that same mistake?

I just don't get why some people need to make other people feel bad about themselves. __________________________________________________

I'm looking forward to dinner with a good friend tonite who I haven't actually hung out with in a couple of years. Hopefully I'll get to spend some more quality time with others tonite too. Then brunch tomorrow and a return to Los Angeles. I'll see you when I get back.

perspective

So, some of those I'm closest to got to know what was more private over the last couple hours. I'm lucky in many, many ways but one of the things I'm most thankful for are my family and friends. They've provided so much for me over time but especially lately. They've knocked some sense in me and reminded me of who I really am and it's OK to make mistakes. As much as happiness comes from within and loving yourself, it always helps when people believe in you [especially during the times when you start to doubt yourself].

A lot of life is a matter of perspective. My horoscope [yes, I read my horoscope sometimes] yesterday said something about how it could be a good day or a bad day and that if I got bad news in the morning the day would depend on how I looked at/dealt with it. Well, right before reading said horoscope I found out not the greatest news ever. But in the end I realized that I could dwell on it and let it get me down or hop in the shower, go to work, and just think differently.

Sometimes it doesn't really matter how you look at it, you just gotta let it go and give it the time and space it needs. I'm not a fan of forcing things when it comes to my emotions. I'm not good at living in denial simply because I can't deny something crappy. It's dangerous because instead I'm capable of wallowing but I think it's more that I wear my heart on my sleeve and am just open about feeling down when I'm down and understand that it's something I need to go through to get to the point of feeling better.

I know some people take a very different approach. We're all different and deal with things in our own way, operating in the way that works for our individual self. But we can also all learn from the various approaches and I'm trying to do that: it's all about growth in the end. I'm happy that I'm learning and growing right now. I feel a lot more like the person I used to know myself to be a few years ago and I'm happy about that. In no way is that to say I didn't like who I was recently, I learned a lot over the past few years as well. I guess it's more that I feel like I'm combining the best of both these days.

I'm not sure why I'm spending so many words on this but yea...I've spent a lot of time worrying about things I shouldn't and failing to put myself first like I should. It's time to let go, move forward, and just let things be. A good friend used those last few words earlier tonite in conversation and it reminded me someone else who gave me the same advice back in the day. When I've done that, good things happen. If you can't let something be [in the sense that when u do, nothing good comes about] then it's just not right and you shouldn't try to force it.

Talk about wearing your heart on your sleeve. Oh, what a bad joke!!!!!!! cute puppy.


I'll close with my deep thought of recent days:

Walls only protect what is weak inside.

[Part of me feels like that's some deep thought but at the same time I also feel lame for thinking that. hehe. but yea, i'm no fan of putting up walls. i'd rather put myself out there, get hurt if it happens, get back up, and do it all over again. at least i tried, right? i know i gave it all i had...if that's not enough for someone then no worries...all i've got is all i've got]
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In other news, the latest post on my brother's blog really inspired me. I hope I'm lucky enough to experience something like that sometime [soon] in my life.

day 3

I really enjoy blogging but for the past few days I haven't really been in the mood to write. It makes me kinda sad cuz I feel in I'm off to a lethargic start. Anyway, today at work I read a case that contained references to a "Herculean effort" and a "Hydra" in the first sentence. It was the most ridiculous opinion I've ever come across.

Besides that I turned in my first research memo today. Hopefully it's useful. To be honest, I'm pretty comfortable with the idea that a lot of learning is going to occur in the coming months and so I'm not gonna stress too much [beyond the stress necessary to work hard]. I'm gonna just continue to try my hardest and hopefully get better [and build more stamina...a couple of 10-hour days has shown me that I should work on maintaining my focus a little more but I think I've done pretty well].

I guess that's all for now. Like I said, I'm lacking inspiration. Life is kinda weird right now, I feel really good in some ways but at the same time I also know that no one really knows how I'm doing. It's not that people don't really know or I'm misunderstood, I guess it's just a personal thing inside of me.

thoughts on the first day

I'm not sure where to begin but my first day went really well I think. The first half of the day involved meeting people, getting a tour, dealing with all kinds of paperwork, and the like. Insurance forms and 401k stuff is pretty intense and overwhelming. Dealing with time sheets is a new experience and an interesting one. I got taken out for lunch by all the associates as a welcome which was a lot of fun. After that my first assignment was resting on my desk when I got back and I met with the partner who assigned it and got to work. It's weird using my brain again but it's also exciting and exhilarating.

I ended up bringing work home because my assignment is due tomorrow and I felt I'd work more effectively after a little break. I'm also a little paranoid and don't want to push it off much. I know working is going to be a grind at times and really challenging but it's a good feeling. It's really rewarding and I'm looking forward to the challenge and learning [something I'm sure I'll do a lot of especially over the coming months]. It's also nice to be in a good work environment with friendly people. It seems like there's a camaraderie amongst the associates and I hope to fit in well.

I just wanted to write a few words and let everyone know how it went today. It's pretty crazy and some of the outside circumstances aren't how I expected or wanted them to be, but I really think this is a big positive step in life. I know there are still some hard times ahead [and not just with work stuff] but all you can do is stay up as much as possible and take the time feeling what you do when you need to, right?

my first day

I'm off to my first day of work.

Wish me luck!

my introduction

I'm not in the blogging mood I thought I'd be in when it came to writing this but I'm hoping to push thru and express the things I'd like to say in an articulate manner. I'm starting a new blog because it seems like this is a good time to start fresh and have a new beginning. In large part it's because of the job that starts the tomorrow. Originally I figured I'd wait until October to start, giving my old blog one full year and also starting anew when I move to a new place. But the start of the job as well as other things in life made it seem like the right time to start fresh.

The name of the blog "an old beginning" represents how I've been at this place in my life before in many ways. Without going into much detail, I'm in a place trying to really establish myself again and take the next step in life, finding my way. At the same time, while it's familiar in some ways, it's the start to things in others. A new job, the opportunity to meet new people, the chance to spread a wider net and grow.

The future is full of opportunity and one can never really predict what will come. I'm happy that thru all my experiences my family and friends supported me and had faith in me. They've helped me remember who I really am and shown me what it really means to be cared about. I don't know where I'd be without them.

To be honest I'm scared about some things and I continue to struggle with others. But I'm looking forward and trying to step forward as well. I guess that's what this new blog is about, one of the baby steps forward. I'm sure it will be much of the same [even the layout is the same as my old one after I changed it and many of the side info will reappear as I work on the blog] but it represents something new.

Hullo.

I'll be here really soon. So, check back for info on why the new blog and what not as well as more of the same. Hope to hear from you soon. =]