on a lighter side

It seems as tho things in this space took a serious turn as of late and some of it definitely did not focus on the positives. It's important to remember that overall I don't have much to complain about and I am a pretty lucky individual. Either way, I feel a need to shut my brain off in some respects and just be.

Anyway, I spent a good portion of today and yesterday at the coffee bean in the new mall that recently opened a couple blocks from my apartment. I had catching up to do on work stuff [I still do actually...eeeks] and it was funny to be in a coffee bean, reading through cases, taking notes, writing, etc. again. Definitely reminiscent of law school and earlier days.

It amazes me how our senses are so tied to our memories and just the simple re-experiencing of certain things can just take u back to places from years ago and feelings and emotions of the past. It's a little frightening in some respects, but only when you find yourself in a world of feelings and so on from before that you felt moved on from. The important thing is to realize that it's just a flashback of sorts and not an indication that you haven't moved to a new place in life.

So as I sat in the coffee bean tonite, sipping on my English Breakfast Tea Latte [which actually came in a glass mug, not the typcial paper cup...which was a new experience], I found myself taken back to days of law school when I would head up to the coffee bean on Fillmore. Obviously the similar surroundings in terms of decor only increased the sensation...but it was interesting, funny, familiar.

The experience only reinforced something I've discussed with some lately and that is how much life can change in a short period of time. Just under a year ago I started this blog. In that time life has changed dramatically, in terms fo actual life circumstances as well as who I am as an individual. I find it amazing that a year ago I was ready to take certain steps in life and make certain commitments that I feel incapable at this stage of my life.

But as a friend pointed out, while you don't necessarily go into things thinking about making commitments sometimes it is what comes about. To me the point of it all is that you can't really live your life by certain rules and with preconceived notions of how things will or won't turn out. Each experience is new and individual and everything that comes about will depend on a multitude of factors many of which one cannot perceive. While I don't feel capable of making certain commitments right now, maybe once I'm in the right situation I will...the point is you can only know so much in advance. The rest you just let be...

ooooops!

So...after making an official statement of my intention to blog daily I managed to not blog daily. I really didn't intend for that to happen...and it looks as tho I technically missed two days of writing [friday and saturday], but to me it's just the one [friday; I see right now as still saturday nite]. I guess these things happen...no excuses, no attempt at a justification or even explanation: it happened and so it is.

Obviously I'm a little perturbed about it, but I continue on. It's not the end of the world and I just gotta see that I didn't follow thru and try to be better. It's funny because this feels like a lot of self-reflection over something silly and I begin to feel overly critical...but really I'm just trying to explain what's in my head. Oddly, I have definitely made situations worse by attempting to explain...so at this point no explanation is necessary.

In line with self-reflection and the rest of my evening, as I sat and watched Wanted tonite I couldn't help but relate to the main character, at least as who he started out to be. An individual who just floats along in life, letting certain things just pass; one always knowing he will consistently be afraid to take chances and make changes, at least in some areas of life.

Thoughts about the way my life is and how it compares to the fantasy world I find myself living in at times fill my mind these days. My guess is that this is mostly rooted in the fact that I want to and am working to make at least one significant change in my life [yet wonder how it will all work out in the end...it's a bit terrifying to be honest]. Yet I also see some of the continual patterns that we all possess as individuals in a process of learning and growth.

For me, I've often been too afraid to take certain steps. Be it going abroad for a semester during college or law school, approaching one of the silly crushes I've had in life, taking time off between college and law school, or anything else I was too afraid to do...I observe a pattern. I don't think there is anything wrong with the decisions and choices of my life to this point. We all would do some things differently, such an urge is normal.

But I do feel a need to not just float along, a desire to become more proactive as opposed to reactive. I grow frustrated with myself for not taking some of the chances I could. As opposed to this being a self-critical assessment, it really is an attempt at reflecting and growing and improving. We're all far from perfect and we all continue to grow through all out experiences. Sometimes it's good to look at yourself and compare what is to what you want things to be. [see the music blog for a bit on that front]

Anyway...this has become much too serious [tho sometimes I need that]. Anyway, it's difficult to look in the mirror and reflect sometimes for dual reasons: sometimes you just don't want to see what's there and other times you just can see what one could from an objective viewpoint.

not a lot

i don't have much to say tonite. i'm kinda experimenting along the line of something my brother has done a couple times and attempting to write daily for an extended period time. the hope is to develop the habit again and maybe even develop some writing skills.

anyway, turns out this will be post #150. it's definitely not a highpoint but rather just something to note. i can look back and see that from july to october of last year i churned out 100 posts...since october i've managed only 50. clearly a decrease...but to be honest i was in need of writing and also surprised i was able to be that consistent early on. obviously one's initial excitement for such a thing wears off...but i was glad that it did last as long as it did.

in my defense, not that one is necessary, but i also started my music blog...which definitely take content away from this space that was previously here. so technically that's around another 20 posts...putting the total since october to 70...much more respectable? haha.

anyway, today's monumental moment came at lunch when i powered thru 8 tacos at La Taquiza...proving all who didn't have faith in me wrong. i will say this: going to the gym after eating 8 tacos for lunch is VERY different from going to the gym and then eating 8 tacos [which might happen tomorrow nite...].

so, without much to say, i make my official attempt to find a consistency in this space.

oddly in and out of place...

Around 5:30 this evening a coworker asked if I was going to this Hastings alumni continue legal education program taking place about a block away from our office. I hadn't previously heard of it but figured why not...it's free and I could use the one hour of credit from it.

As I mingled a little and just interacted with others at the event I felt completely out of place. As the actual panel of speakers began to talk, I sat and wondered if and when I will ever grow up. Will I always think the way I do, find humor in the things I do, act in the manner I do, and generally continue to be goofy and foolish in the ways I am? Being in the environment of other lawyers, many of whom have been practicing law for many years, definitely made me feel young and in some manner of speaking [altho not necessarily a negative one] immature.

Yet I also felt comfortable in interacting with others and engaging in discussion. In that sense I was comfortable...playing the role one would expect of an adult, of a professional...I think it's a tribute to my chameleon like nature [tho I make no claim to being the only one to have multiple facets].

The more general thought and bit of concern is just how much I truly fit in to this world I've placed myself in, because as much as I was able to apparently fit in I also felt that my inner self was too much of a goofy character to really belong. It makes me question the potential for longevity in this field, this circle, this group I put myself into with much hard work. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing what I am really meant to be doing.

The little word jumble above came about from reading a friend's blog earlier tonite. You go to a website and enter text and it uses an algorithm to generate a word jumble, as above. One of the few things of substance I have written is the note I wrote for my journal second year of law school. I decided I would throw the language from that in just to see what came about.

The image fits with tonite's thoughts because I am very comfortable with all the terms in it, in fact I do have a keen interest in and some knowledge of them. And with that it's clear I can find comfort in this legal world. But I often find myself somewhat lost in the legal realm. It could just be that I am longing to find other aspects of it compared to the ones I have experienced over the last year or so now. As I feel oddly out of place I also believe there is a place for me...somewhere [even if some of that hope fades at times].

And with all things in life I feel it is important to find a place of comfort in which u are allowed to simply be yourself [after all, what comfort is there in being someone else?].

chaotic determinism.

As I walked home from the movie theatre late last nite (successfully managing to lose myself and many of my thoughts for the evening) I crossed the street and came upon an odd sight considering it was past midnite: on the sidewalk in front of me I notice a butterfly. The butterfly didn't seem to be doing much of anything and I found it an interesting place for a butterfly to pause and just sit in stillness. I also felt it wasn't the smartest of places, for tho it was past midnite a few wanders still roamed the streets and it would have been all too easy to step on this little butterfly without even noticing its existence.

So I attempted to get the butterfly onto a leaf I found so I could move it...instead the butterfly flapped its wings and moved ever so slightly, somehow flipping on to its back. I proceeded to flip the butterfly back over and then it fluttered away.

As I continued on my short journey home I couldn't help but think about chaos theory and the idea that a butterfly flapping its wings in one part of the world can cause a hurricane in another. It's an interesting theory, one that I admit to knowing very little about. But I wondered what kinda of effect my act of attempting to keep a little butterfly out of harms way could have caused [or will cause]. It's funny and quite honestly difficult to think about the many effects our actions can have upon the world. I think as individuals in a vast world among a multitude of others we tend to perceived these effects on a small level. In part this is because it is simply difficult to see the bigger picture as much of it can go on outside our world of perception. Yet I caused a butterfly to flap its wings...I am responsible for the next hurricane to come along [or one much later on]? Honestly, I don't know if we want the answers to the questions or if we even want them posed in the first place.

The entire concept is even more interesting when placed in the context of a deterministic outlook on the universe. Such a view [in an oversimplified account] sees the world as already determined by the movements of the tiny particles that make it up. You simply apply the laws of physics to those particles and the chain of actions and reactions is already determined, as these particles must obey those principles. Another view could be along the lines that God has determined all already. Either way, the basic premise is that all that has and will happened was long ago determined. A troubling view on the world when considering concepts of responsibility and morals and the like.

Interestingly, it seems as tho the theory fits will with chaos theory: when that butterfly flaps its wings, certain particles are moved in certain ways which continue on to cause other actions and reactions among particles and so on...until you get to the hurricane. The positive would be that you remove the concern about your responsibility for what you perceived to be small, minimal actions resulting in profound consequences. Altho I guess such a determined world would not be chaotic...except as to us and how we cannot see far enough in advance to figure out all the events to come.

Yet both theories leave me with a certain emptiness. With determinism the emptiness is obvious: the lack of responsibility for our acts is fundamentally unsettling and what I will simply call lame. As for chaos, while I believe in the idea that small acts can lead to great events and that you never really know what just might happen based on something so small...I guess the personal reaction is that while all of that may be true we are also capable of seeing the consequences and taking action to prevent or remedy them. Sometimes you can see what a small act will bring about or is beginning to bring about and you can act to prevent it or alter the outcome. I don't think this idea is inconsistent with chaos theory...and maybe I just don't know enough about what I'm rambling/thinking about...

Either way, the ideas of a deterministic or simply chaotic world are simply no fun to me. But here's a funny idea...

solitary.

In a couple of recent conversations I discussed living alone and basically extolled the virtues of it, ever so briefly. Yet this evening I found [and really continue to find] myself feeling rather isolated and almost alone. The feeling of loneliness is one I sometimes encounter but not too often. I feel lucky, blessed, and thankful to know the people I do, to have the family and friends I do, and to possess some semblance of security in those relationships. Yet I sometimes do feel isolated and somewhat lonely at times.

In part the feeling is a natural one to experience...living on one's own is difficult and challenging at times. It's interesting to spend so much time in a space with no others, aside from the faces on the TV and computer screen. At the same time, it's weird to think about sharing space with someone too.

Oddly, part of it tonite can be attributed to the fact that I had to turn my car over to get an issue fixed up. Sadly, it left me feeling kinda stuck in place [one of the feelings Los Angeles instills in a person: a need for a car to do most anything].

In addition, I feel this sense of my own solitariness is informed by words taht came my way today. Without any explanation, I'm sure my thoughts on the words are informed by my own insecurities and just way of thinking yet at the same time I understand the thought behind the words and in fact agree to a great extent.

Finally, part of it all stems from the fact that my foot has long been halfway out the door in this place. A friend's facebook status commented on how easy it is to leave a place when u never really moved into in the first place. I couldn't agree more, yet I have moved into this physical space...even if not Los Angeles more generally. The problem is it's not time to leave and to be honest I wonder just if and when that time will come. The lack of surety of things has definitely prevented me from investing in this place as much as I could and maybe at times should have...and with that comes this sense of a solitary existence in this place, no matter how comfortable my personal space is to me.

I've thought about how some I know tend to consistently feel a need to be moving on to something new and how personally my attitude is sometimes different and more of a understand what you already have and be thankful and grateful for it. Yet here I sit thinking about a need to move on...maybe once I get there it will all settle. Who knows, maybe it's all just a come down from a fun weekend that was definitely exhausting and something that managed to come together without much forethought or trying. On a completely tangential note, it's amazing how much fun can be had when you just let things roll. It's often the unexpected times that result in something terribly enjoyable, something you can't and shouldn't plan for or expect because to do so would just take away from it all, if not prevent it from all coming together. Anyway...

For now, I'm going to go lose myself in the anonymity of a movie and ponder losing myself in music for 12 hours on Saturday.

there and back again.

I am definitely exhausted at this point...still recovering from the epic crawl that was last nite. As always, an amazing time had in the City that continues to feel like home...that continues to be home...and likely always will be home. Traveling can definitely be disorienting and it's nice to "travel" to a place that is so familiar...the weekend recap...

• company on the trip up
• the ridiculous warmth of Friday nite
• "It'll only take 5 minutes to get in."
• Los' look of disgust when i told him Sam just got out of work
• Sam: do they have food there?
• Kings - even if i clowned on it beforehand
  
• Los and his tamale
• taking in some soccer
• kicking it around and the crazy wind
  
• Los: "We're all wearing our shirts."
  
• dinner at Nick's
• Los' shirt decision
• Los: "Your brother's a stud."
• 5 hour energy
• the ridiculous pub crawl that made it's way across the City and lasted all nite long [Tunnel Top to The irish Bank to the Savoy to Northstar to Bamboo Hut to Dragon Bar]
  
• Al wanting to get into with the cops and Phil tripping off the curb [thus preventing him from throwing a punch]
• going 2 for 2 at Dragon Bar
• holding it down like no other [again]...and having more fun than anyone else in the process
• late nite pizza
• the cabbie who didn't know where to go
  
• a little more soccer
• brunch with Nick and the guy who was in Peter's closet
  
• spending some time in the music store
• bringing back the trance...and a 2 for 1 deal
• the coolest voice ever
  
• a nice cup of coffee and stroll thru pac heights before heading home
• eating Arby's for the first time since high school
• realizing why I haven't eaten Arby's since high school
• getting home

aight...time for rest for another week of the grind.

note: unfortunately the streak of randomly running into someone I know in the City came to an end, altho I didn't run into some people I was planning on seeing, just not exactly when I planned on seeing them.

the back and forth of life

i've long believed in a emotional homeostasis of sorts...such that we all kinda have a certain standard emotional state...some are happier than others, some are angrier, some are goofier, some are more contemplative, and the list goes on endlessly. i think we all recognize the certain moods that are defining of those we know, especially those we are close to and know well. it's why we say things about how certain behaviors are out of character or how someone just doesn't seem him or herself lately or on this day or that day...

so it makes sense that after writing about the woes of my life in the last post that i would turn around and end up writing something more positive in terms of its outlook...and i pretty much am here to say that i do feel to be getting back to myself yet again.

tuesday nite i passed out on my couch around 8:30 p.m. minus a few breaks to see check the text message i got, eventually turn off the tv, eventually respond to said text message, and to check my email [note: those were all very brief, separate risings from my slumber], i slept the entire nite thru. this past saturday invovled much more sleep than that...tho i didn't go to bed until around 4 something in the a.m.

i think the massive amounts of sleep had to do with being sick and my body just saying: stop going to bed so late and waking up early, especially if u want to travel as much as u have been. i'm sure part of the deviation from my standard emotional state of sorts [whatever u want to call it] had to do with that, as well as not going to the gym in way too long [tomorrow will be my triumphant return from just under 2 weeks off...ha].

anyway, it's interesting to me to reflect on and see the swing and turns life takes, especially on an emotional state. personally, i find that my own deviations toward a less positive mood, outlook, feeling, etc. are compounded by a sense of being not myself. so i just end up feeling even worse because i'm like: hey, i don't feel good.

it's a little silly because one shouldn't always be in a good place, happy, jovial, etc. for longer than i've thought about the concept of an emotional homeostasis i've believed that the negatives, the hard times, the depressing times, the difficulties of life all make the good that much better...they provide meaning to each other. one cannot know joy with out having experienced pain...and vice versa [which actually raises a chicken or egg problem that i am in no mood to ponder...maybe as i lay back to sleep]. yet i still don't like feeling out of myself...but i think that is as natural as having periods of ups and downs.

anyway...i've reached rambling proportions and continue to need to get my sleep schedule on track and should get to bed.

query: why does blogger have a buncn of what appears to me to be japenese characters half the time i come here to my blog? i seriously don't get it...it confuses me and to be honest worries me a little...i dunno...

open

I find myself thinking and feeling a lot these days. I can't really pinpoint how long this has been going on, but the recent weeks or maybe months have come with waves of ups and downs on an emotional, inner-personal level...and without good reason it would seem.

A long time ago my best friend pointed out that, knowing the inner working of my life and mind like no one else, my life is full of epic highs and lows. It was a youthful statement, one made and believed in by a couple of kids who didn't know better. Yet, while the highs and lows haven't necessarily been of epic proportions [in my opinion some definitely have tho], it was for the most part a valid statement. And for some odd reason, in terms of my feelings and emotions and how I think about life, this recent run of time has been a microcosm of that very roller coaster ride.

I cannot say any event has really changed things recently. And I struggle to figure out why I reach these emotional lows at times, why I find myself exhausted, worn thin, and just not wanting to get out of bed. Like other times, it is frightening to admit this feeling in this forum. Yet from experience I can say it's not a matter of depression. And the fact that my mood vacillates from up to down and back around is not quite bipolar due to the fact that I get neither severely depressed or manic. It really does boil down to mood. It's as tho a general fog or malaise takes over at times, I find myself in a haze of some sort...not quite dreary but rather apathetic.

To me the question of why is ever important. In all things in life I tend to feel this way, but especially when it comes down to something that has such a profound effect on myself. I'm coming to realize that much of it could be attributed to my own doing yet to do so would be folly. The realization is that I am tired. I am tired of certain things being the way they are...yet I do not always do as much as I could and should to remedy the situation.

For fear of repercussions, I dare not list one of the things I am most tired of...but anyone who knows me well enough can guess what one of the top things on my list would be. But now what I am really beginning to see is that I am tired of not being around the people I care about and am close to and feel I can be foolish self with. In part there is nothing to be done about this...some simple live in places I will not be living. Yet, and this relates strongly to the bane of my existence that I shall not name at this time, I can make some changes and end up in a place where this feeling would definitely not be the same.

*********

I write here at times as a form of personal therapy. To be honest, in my last post as I wrote about the struggling to write on a level I felt I was at before, I was telling myself that in simple terms, personal struggle helps me when it comes to writing here. These days it's more of a being fed up and then getting hit with a sense of disillusionment, as opposed to difficulties of yore when I began writing in this space and using it as a forum to help myself.

So I get the feeling this post is somewhat dark and depressing...or indicative of my sense of depression. Yet sometimes one just needs to express things and doing so helps one realize the ridiculousness of one's position or thoughts or feelings. To me I begin to see how much more I can do to change the situation. I've always believed in fate and a greater plan for things...yet I strongly maintain the feeling that such designs only get u so far and at some point one must take the steps necessary to finish the journey. We all live our own choose-your-own-adventure novels and while a path may be set out for us, it's up to us to walk the actual steps and maybe take a different turn or two. Anywho...I should be working...haha.

in need of retooling

i feel like this blog has lost its way a little. more accurately i feel my writing was better or stronger or maybe just more relevant and and more well articulated in the past. it's something that is beginning to gnaw at me because it causes hesitation in writing which just compounds my feelings about this blog o' mine.

i spend time thinking about why this has happened, trying to figure what i can do to get back to what i felt was better and maybe more interesting writing. first off, i know that writing is not my forte by any stretch of the imagination. it's more something i enjoy and like to spend time doing. it's also something i enjoy working on in this space and it provides an outlet and a place to think out loud in a manner of speaking. but i definitely believe my skill set is somewhat limited, especially compared to those of some i am close too who also blog. to be blunt, writing is difficult and it is a complicated task to articulate one's thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

beyond that, another thing i noticed recently is that i find i am inspired to write at times when i cannot do so: i'm at work or on a trip or for whatever reason away from a computer. yet the topics and thoughts persist, even if the mood and mindset to write has passed. i find i sometimes force a post in these situations, leading to less than stellar writing.

oddly, another part of the problem [if it truly constitutes one] is that much of my earlier writing was generated from thoughts and emotions from a difficult time in life. adversity definitely inspired in a way...it was necessary to find an outlet or to work thru things in some fashion. so life in a certain manner of speaking has settled, tho it still comes with its craziness.

a definite lack of effort is to blame at times as well. becoming too easily distracted while writing, not spending enough time when i am at home with a computer [or anywhere else with a computer for that matter] just with my thoughts and in front of my writing space...these are part of the problem.

as a polar opposite to this, sometimes i just try too hard to write something and to sound intelligent and/or profound. i do my best to avoid moments like this and to simply write within myself, but there are times when i lose that focus.
i'm not sure exactly why it happens, because it's not something i'm usually concerned with...but recognizing that oddity is important.

anywho...now is the time to rededicate myself here. i am unsure as to the exact approach to take, but i will at the least put more effort into things [including the music blog because the thoughts expressed here are also true for that space as well]. yet at the same time, this is a fun past time for me and it needs to stay that way.

a prediction come true

So, I think it was thursday when I predicted an epic weekend with my facebook status. Obviously the weekend involved a trip to the City [duh]. I think the list of highlights below shows just how correct my prediction was...

• the overly-PDA couple sitting next to mean on the plane, as i was trapped in the window seat [a total NOT-highlight]
• the really weird cabbie
• rolling out 2004 style
  
• 80s themed t-shirts
• the great 80s tunes
• only catching the tail end of "Don't Stop Believing" [again, a real NOT-highlight]
• not being everyone else
• dancing it up to some 80s
• the ambiguously geigh duo
  
• the scene that was clearly put on for Peter and i
• finally seeing music videos on TV again and how enthralled with them i found myself
  
• lunch and a little chillin with family and friends
• finally checking out fritz
  
• grocery shopping with Jeremy
• getting lost on the way to the concert [it was pretty amusing to be honest]
• Sam's "let me go ask for directions" excuse for buying a back of chips
• the bag of chips Sam bought
• my hatred of my friends [just kidding...i admit i was being a brat]
• kanYe West - every song was amazing but some of the highlights include: getting chills from "Champion," the heartfelt "Hey Mama" performance along with "Don't Stop Believing," 10 minutes of "Good Life," and the encore of "Homecoming" and "Touch the Sky"
• the Sam dance
• salsa jeans
• Julie being a better driver than Dale Earnhardt
  
• brunch with family
• the funny guy in the Sunglass Hut where my brother got some replacement shades [badass, Neo style]
  
• "I want sportier glasses!"
• a new [and second] pair of shades for me [von zipper Rockford's]
  
• Zohan, disco, the Zohan dance, "who says this?"
  
• hitting the gym
• running into someone i kno for the 4th consecutive trip to the City
  
• NOPA man date
• Los still not having showered
• getting a cab the second we walked out the door
  
• the funny numbers given out
• having more fun than anyone else at Dragon Bar
• the beer bottle party fouls
  
• PWT showing his inner PYT by busting out some old school dance moves
• a little bit of a battle
• the "Don't Stop Believing - Billie Jean" mashup!!!
  
• Sam's pizza
• the run for a cab ride
• Los storming in
• no Johnny Drama style breakfast
• a quick stroll thru the Haight-Ashbury Street Fair
• a quick beer at Danny Coyle's
• the traditional burrito run
• Office Space and Real Genius
• the male Sarah Jessica Parker

Good times all around from the minute the trip started. It's nice to spend time in a place so comfortable with such great people and also to get to spend some time with my brother in a place I still feel is home to me. Looking forward to getting up to see my bro and the friends that are in many ways my extended family again soon...

man date weekend.

tho the weekend is not officially over just yet, i'm going to jump ahead and do one of my recaps a little early in the day...before likely passing out for nap time. =p my weekend did not consist of a trip north [tho the coming weekend will] but a good friend from the City came down in part for a conference and also just to hangout and roll like we do. so some highlights...

• crazyass construction by [lame] USC
• pastel polos
• pinkberry [trip 1]
• Los' new sunglasses case [gold]
  
• power naps
• LaLa's, part 2
• sparks'ing it up, brown bag style
• "Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay!!!"
• watching the crazy chick MMA fight [homegurl got beat down!]
  
• Beirut
• the guy on Peter's team
  
• Menage, part 2
• dancing the nite away
• Los's rejected requests for T.I. and Flo-Rida [booooo]
  
• "I like all kinds of juices."
• Los' plan for the drive on the 5
• Roscoe's,part 3
• pinkberry [trip 2]
• the Los Feliz t-shirt
• all the goofy text messages we were sending to the third amigo

obviously, it was a blast and it's always a pleasure to have the homies down here, especially with how often they host me. still a little fun to come in the day i'm sure, including a nap, seeing my brother, and maybe a silly trip to the mall or something goofy.