A long time ago my best friend pointed out that, knowing the inner working of my life and mind like no one else, my life is full of epic highs and lows. It was a youthful statement, one made and believed in by a couple of kids who didn't know better. Yet, while the highs and lows haven't necessarily been of epic proportions [in my opinion some definitely have tho], it was for the most part a valid statement. And for some odd reason, in terms of my feelings and emotions and how I think about life, this recent run of time has been a microcosm of that very roller coaster ride.
I cannot say any event has really changed things recently. And I struggle to figure out why I reach these emotional lows at times, why I find myself exhausted, worn thin, and just not wanting to get out of bed. Like other times, it is frightening to admit this feeling in this forum. Yet from experience I can say it's not a matter of depression. And the fact that my mood vacillates from up to down and back around is not quite bipolar due to the fact that I get neither severely depressed or manic. It really does boil down to mood. It's as tho a general fog or malaise takes over at times, I find myself in a haze of some sort...not quite dreary but rather apathetic.
To me the question of why is ever important. In all things in life I tend to feel this way, but especially when it comes down to something that has such a profound effect on myself. I'm coming to realize that much of it could be attributed to my own doing yet to do so would be folly. The realization is that I am tired. I am tired of certain things being the way they are...yet I do not always do as much as I could and should to remedy the situation.
For fear of repercussions, I dare not list one of the things I am most tired of...but anyone who knows me well enough can guess what one of the top things on my list would be. But now what I am really beginning to see is that I am tired of not being around the people I care about and am close to and feel I can be foolish self with. In part there is nothing to be done about this...some simple live in places I will not be living. Yet, and this relates strongly to the bane of my existence that I shall not name at this time, I can make some changes and end up in a place where this feeling would definitely not be the same.
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I write here at times as a form of personal therapy. To be honest, in my last post as I wrote about the struggling to write on a level I felt I was at before, I was telling myself that in simple terms, personal struggle helps me when it comes to writing here. These days it's more of a being fed up and then getting hit with a sense of disillusionment, as opposed to difficulties of yore when I began writing in this space and using it as a forum to help myself.
So I get the feeling this post is somewhat dark and depressing...or indicative of my sense of depression. Yet sometimes one just needs to express things and doing so helps one realize the ridiculousness of one's position or thoughts or feelings. To me I begin to see how much more I can do to change the situation. I've always believed in fate and a greater plan for things...yet I strongly maintain the feeling that such designs only get u so far and at some point one must take the steps necessary to finish the journey. We all live our own choose-your-own-adventure novels and while a path may be set out for us, it's up to us to walk the actual steps and maybe take a different turn or two. Anywho...I should be working...haha.
I write here at times as a form of personal therapy. To be honest, in my last post as I wrote about the struggling to write on a level I felt I was at before, I was telling myself that in simple terms, personal struggle helps me when it comes to writing here. These days it's more of a being fed up and then getting hit with a sense of disillusionment, as opposed to difficulties of yore when I began writing in this space and using it as a forum to help myself.
So I get the feeling this post is somewhat dark and depressing...or indicative of my sense of depression. Yet sometimes one just needs to express things and doing so helps one realize the ridiculousness of one's position or thoughts or feelings. To me I begin to see how much more I can do to change the situation. I've always believed in fate and a greater plan for things...yet I strongly maintain the feeling that such designs only get u so far and at some point one must take the steps necessary to finish the journey. We all live our own choose-your-own-adventure novels and while a path may be set out for us, it's up to us to walk the actual steps and maybe take a different turn or two. Anywho...I should be working...haha.
1 comment:
Lou -
These posts are just as important if not more so than the posts when you're riding high and able to examine things with steadier footing. I find I look back on writing that seems overly melancholy and laugh, but then I remember that it is very real. Even if the darker moment passes quickly. It's not a figment, and it's not something to be dismissed. I think being one's foolish self is so exhilarating because it's not in opposition to the sad shit. Being foolish, in the best sense of the word, embraces the tough stuff, too, because that's just as much a part of you.
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