music moves me. literally [i often can't help but dance when i hear certain music] and emotionally [things like getting chills or goosebumps or just feeling emotions]. it is one of the greatest things in this world, in my opinion. music has always been there for me in tough times and i feel i've learned a lot thru music over the years [as silly as that may sound to some].
today, music hit me in the face and the heart again and on multiple occasions. from a friend sending me a clip from the season of The Sing-Off that ended tonite to me searching for videos of one of my best friends singing a cappella in his college days to another dear friend sending me highly applicable and funny youtube videos knowing some of what's on my mind these days to finding a few videos of songs that really hit me to watching the finale of The Sing-Off...today was full of musical moments that reminded me just how important music is to me. it's not really something i ever forget but it is something i sometimes overlook or that escapes my mind.
i think the answers to all of life's questions can be found in music. my friend Swiyyah and i discussed this today and she agrees with me tho i'm sure many don't. even if the answer is simply finding what u need at that specific moment in time, it's there in music. it's funny because sometimes u need to hear one thing and other times u need to hear the opposite, but u can find both answers in music. while it may not be a lasting feeling, during any of the difficult times in life music has always been able to makeme feel better, for at least some portion of time.
i often wish others could hear that i hear and feel what i feel...it's one of the biggest gaps/disconnects i feel between myself and others. it feels hard to explain but really is a straightforward concept. i'm sure one part of it is the literal differences between each individual when it comes to perception. but still, for some reason i'm waiting for some song to resonate in someone else the same way ti does for me. it's a silly thing to thing about but maybe it's one of the things that will finally click with the alleged "one," but that's an entirely different concept. anyway, it's part of why i enjoy sharing music with people...to hopefully give someone something they like and that can be meaningful to that individual.
anywho...i'm sure to pass out listening to some music tonite...
Monday, December 20, 2010
lost ways and confusion
i started this last nite and definitely FAILed at completing it. blogging during the daylight hours is a bit of a rarity for me, but i've got time on my hands since i'm home for the holidays right now and figure why not try to clear up some of the things on my mind. so, in part from last nite and in part from right now, here goes...
u kno that whole too much thinking topic of recent (let's be honest, not too recent) blog posts? sadly, it continues. what's worse is my general confusion about some of the topics that run thru my head only grows worse. being caught up in thought has really exhausted me recently, it takes a physical toll on me. how sad is that? thinking is apparently that hard for me, hahaha.
actually, the reason it's so tiring is that it tends to consume me in a way...or more accurately these things stay on my mind even as i do and think about other things. it's like this ever present gnawing or something. i'm tired of it. the problem is, i don't know what to do about some of it; there are no clear or quick answers about these things.
well, i think there are definitely some quick answers but long term they offer nothing helpful. aside from tiring me and being difficult things to sort out, what i really don't like is the effect all this stuff is having on the person i'm being to others. i'm acting out of character or at times like a crappy version of myself and that is particularly troublesome. it's not a lot of fun to make the realization that u're not living up to the standards and ideals u set for yourself but it's important to see it when it happens. if anything, that realization wears on me more than any of the things i worry about or ponder in life.
it's the fact that over-thinking things leads to situations like this that i find times when i think a lot troubling or worrisome. i think the lesson to be learned is to just figure out ways to shut my brain off at times, distract myself, and just let things be [a lesson someone first taught me a long, long time ago and that i apparently need a refresher course on]. with my thinking i often get in my own way and more importantly i lose it. that's much of what i feel at times right now...lost and confused. but at the same time, as my brother pointed out to me a while ago, u can't think in such grand terms but rather only take small steps. it's time to take some of those smaller steps and build towards something more...
it seems that blogging, as foolish as this thing is, is one of the small steps. it provides a time and place to actually think concretely and to actually express things and begin to figure some stuff out. as self-important and ridiculous as i'm sure this entire blog sounds, it's a therapeutic space for me as well and one i hopefully continue to find time for in life.
u kno that whole too much thinking topic of recent (let's be honest, not too recent) blog posts? sadly, it continues. what's worse is my general confusion about some of the topics that run thru my head only grows worse. being caught up in thought has really exhausted me recently, it takes a physical toll on me. how sad is that? thinking is apparently that hard for me, hahaha.
actually, the reason it's so tiring is that it tends to consume me in a way...or more accurately these things stay on my mind even as i do and think about other things. it's like this ever present gnawing or something. i'm tired of it. the problem is, i don't know what to do about some of it; there are no clear or quick answers about these things.
well, i think there are definitely some quick answers but long term they offer nothing helpful. aside from tiring me and being difficult things to sort out, what i really don't like is the effect all this stuff is having on the person i'm being to others. i'm acting out of character or at times like a crappy version of myself and that is particularly troublesome. it's not a lot of fun to make the realization that u're not living up to the standards and ideals u set for yourself but it's important to see it when it happens. if anything, that realization wears on me more than any of the things i worry about or ponder in life.
it's the fact that over-thinking things leads to situations like this that i find times when i think a lot troubling or worrisome. i think the lesson to be learned is to just figure out ways to shut my brain off at times, distract myself, and just let things be [a lesson someone first taught me a long, long time ago and that i apparently need a refresher course on]. with my thinking i often get in my own way and more importantly i lose it. that's much of what i feel at times right now...lost and confused. but at the same time, as my brother pointed out to me a while ago, u can't think in such grand terms but rather only take small steps. it's time to take some of those smaller steps and build towards something more...
it seems that blogging, as foolish as this thing is, is one of the small steps. it provides a time and place to actually think concretely and to actually express things and begin to figure some stuff out. as self-important and ridiculous as i'm sure this entire blog sounds, it's a therapeutic space for me as well and one i hopefully continue to find time for in life.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
thoughts, emotion, and logic...
It's one of the rare times in life where I'm doing for too much thinking. There's some pretentious interpretation of that statement I'm sure but I can guarantee u that there is nothing earth-shattering being discovered in my mind. Instead I'm just trapped inside of my own head, unwilling if not unable to turn my brain off and just stop. I hate when this happens and I hate that it's such a struggle for me to distract myself when I know for many others it isn't...or at least they make it seem easier.
I was talking to my best friend yesterday, discussing life's events and some of my frustrations, in particular at certain emotions I'm feeling when logically speaking I know better. He pointed out that most people are either very logical/rational or very emotional. He then noted that I'm some weird mix of the two: often temporarily ruled by emotion, logic always catches up for me and a balanced mindset is usually reached. It's frustrating to sit here and know things logically or rationally but feel something else on an emotional level and it kinda makes me feel like a giant idiot. Why not just let the logic dictate? But for me I guess it's the brain and the heart [i.e., logic and emotion] battling things out until I can [hopefully] find that balanced point.
What's odd is that I sometimes worry if I don't want to let the feelings or emotions cede when I could. I don't think that's really the case and it's just the logical side of me being confused about why I may feel whatever I may feel...but who knows.
Anyway...of all the things on my mind, the general theme is one of stabilizing my life in many ways. The last almost 16 months since leaving LA have been absolutely amazing. I in no way regret the decision to leave my old job and take a giant, somewhat irrational step with my life to get to a happier place [I get that some people don't understand it]. At the same time, it's time to really buckle down to begin to accomplish the goals I do have in life. It's like I'm saying, "Lou, it's time to grow up," but I hate that terminology for some reason. I said something along those lines to my brother this past summer when I was in NYC and his response was "what, u of the Peter Pan syndrome?" So yes, there is some part of me that honestly must fight for the kid in me and everyone else. In that sense, it will never be time to grow up. At the same time, there's a time and place for seriousness, determination, responsibility, and other grown up sounding things. This is not to say I've been a child for the past 16 months. I took a step that I felt was necessary in life and it was a step along a winding road that I'm sure time will show was necessary to achieve whatever comes in the future. But know, it's time to start taking some more steps...
How did it already get to be almost 11? I was ready to pass out around 8, hahaha.
I was talking to my best friend yesterday, discussing life's events and some of my frustrations, in particular at certain emotions I'm feeling when logically speaking I know better. He pointed out that most people are either very logical/rational or very emotional. He then noted that I'm some weird mix of the two: often temporarily ruled by emotion, logic always catches up for me and a balanced mindset is usually reached. It's frustrating to sit here and know things logically or rationally but feel something else on an emotional level and it kinda makes me feel like a giant idiot. Why not just let the logic dictate? But for me I guess it's the brain and the heart [i.e., logic and emotion] battling things out until I can [hopefully] find that balanced point.
What's odd is that I sometimes worry if I don't want to let the feelings or emotions cede when I could. I don't think that's really the case and it's just the logical side of me being confused about why I may feel whatever I may feel...but who knows.
Anyway...of all the things on my mind, the general theme is one of stabilizing my life in many ways. The last almost 16 months since leaving LA have been absolutely amazing. I in no way regret the decision to leave my old job and take a giant, somewhat irrational step with my life to get to a happier place [I get that some people don't understand it]. At the same time, it's time to really buckle down to begin to accomplish the goals I do have in life. It's like I'm saying, "Lou, it's time to grow up," but I hate that terminology for some reason. I said something along those lines to my brother this past summer when I was in NYC and his response was "what, u of the Peter Pan syndrome?" So yes, there is some part of me that honestly must fight for the kid in me and everyone else. In that sense, it will never be time to grow up. At the same time, there's a time and place for seriousness, determination, responsibility, and other grown up sounding things. This is not to say I've been a child for the past 16 months. I took a step that I felt was necessary in life and it was a step along a winding road that I'm sure time will show was necessary to achieve whatever comes in the future. But know, it's time to start taking some more steps...
How did it already get to be almost 11? I was ready to pass out around 8, hahaha.