lost ways and confusion

i started this last nite and definitely FAILed at completing it.  blogging during the daylight hours is a bit of a rarity for me, but i've got time on my hands since i'm home for the holidays right now and figure why not try to clear up some of the things on my mind.  so, in part from last nite and in part from right now, here goes...


u kno that whole too much thinking topic of recent (let's be honest, not too recent) blog posts?  sadly, it continues.  what's worse is my general confusion about some of the topics that run thru my head only grows worse.  being caught up in thought has really exhausted me recently, it takes a physical toll on me.  how sad is that?  thinking is apparently that hard for me, hahaha.

actually, the reason it's so tiring is that it tends to consume me in a way...or more accurately these things stay on my mind even as i do and think about other things.  it's like this ever present gnawing or something.  i'm tired of it.  the problem is, i don't know what to do about some of it; there are no clear or quick answers about these things.

well, i think there are definitely some quick answers but long term they offer nothing helpful.  aside from tiring me and being difficult things to sort out, what i really don't like is the effect all this stuff is having on the person i'm being to others.  i'm acting out of character or at times like a crappy version of myself and that is particularly troublesome.  it's not a lot of fun to make the realization that u're not living up to the standards and ideals u set for yourself but it's important to see it when it happens.  if anything, that realization wears on me more than any of the things i worry about or ponder in life.


it's the fact that over-thinking things leads to situations like this that i find times when i think a lot troubling or worrisome.  i think the lesson to be learned is to just figure out ways to shut my brain off at times, distract myself, and just let things be [a lesson someone first taught me a long, long time ago and that i apparently need a refresher course on].  with my thinking i often get in my own way and more importantly i lose it.  that's much of what i feel at times right now...lost and confused.  but at the same time, as my brother pointed out to me a while ago, u can't think in such grand terms but rather only take small steps.  it's time to take some of those smaller steps and build towards something more...

it seems that blogging, as foolish as this thing is, is one of the small steps.  it provides a time and place to actually think concretely and to actually express things and begin to figure some stuff out.  as self-important and ridiculous as i'm sure this entire blog sounds, it's a therapeutic space for me as well and one i hopefully continue to find time for in life.