the year that was, the year that will come to be...

As 2008 comes to a close over here on the west coast, as always, it only feel appropriate to take some time out of my evening of vegetation and relaxation and put some thoughts down on...well, this interweb thingy. It is at this time of year that many of pause to reflect on the previous year and think about plans for the one to come.

Looking back on 2008, what stands out the most to me are times with family and friends...it was a year filled with a lot of great times with people I love dearly. These days I have my fair share of complaints about life and there are things that need changing, but in the end when I look back I'm left with memories of many a good time. It's a nice feeling to know that it's the good that stands out above anything negative. I see ways that relationships have developed and some ways in which I've grown individually...tho I also have spent some time as the year comes to a close thinking about areas for improvement.

Before moving on to 2009 I'd like to stop and thank all of u who made 2008 so much fun...i'm thankful for the continued friendships as well as the ones that really began to develop in this past year. I'm nothing without the people in my life [at least that's the way i feel about life]...so thank u for being a part of it and a part of this past year.

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Looking forward, I hope 2009 continues to bring about change and good things as this part year did. The start of a new year provides a time and an excuse to renew attempts at betterment from before as well as a chance to refresh and start on projects new. Changes are definitely necessary and I hope to make the necessary ones, the ones that will help me grow and develop. With that in mind...some goals for myself:

1. spend more time with the people who matter most and doing things i'm passionate about
2. write more [here, on the music blog, in my journal]
3. create a better balance to my life

I could list many specific things as resolutions [and I in fact started the list in that way], but i find it easier, clearer, and healthier to simple list fewer and broader resolutions for myself. I think the last really encompasses a lot and pertained to many parts of life...from time with friends to work to time at home.

**********

Anyway, enough about yours truly...thanks again to all those who were a part of 2008 and i wish u all nothing but the best for the year ahead!

weekends away...

So...the weekends since the last post both involved travels as well...first a trip home for Thanksgiving for the extended weekend and then this past weekend a run to the City for a holiday party...and just a chance to get away. Highlights from each...

the long weekend in ann arbor...

• being home
• time with family
  
• the day of the Turkey
• Thanksgiving food...especially the pecan pie
• X-mas tree hunting
• the expanded and finished room
• the first of the X-mas decorations
• time with friends
• SkullSplitter
  
• "You gotta be able to go left so u can co 'click click click'"
  
• Welcome to Portland
• Question: What are we doing?
• Answer: Hanging out, having a good time?
  
• the Hamburglar
  
• darts
• TK Wu
• remembering my headphones
  
• realizing more and more just how much i enjoy being home
  

the most recent City run...

• it being the weekend
• just making my flight
• "Big things moppin'"
• Los' company to get food
  
• SAL
  
• making Ed uncomfortable
• "Sasha"
• "Are you Persian?"
  
• hatin' on Los
• Cybelle's
• stumbling home on my own at 3 am
• surprisingly find a bummed out Los
• beating Duke
  
• college football and Popeye's chicken
• the White Elephant Guilty Pleasures Gift Exchange
• not getting my gift stolen
  
• the new taboo [not that great in the end] and bendy Bob [lots of fun]
• Circus being awful
  
• getting all caught up on Entourage
• a good nite for my boys
  
• catching up with Los late nite style
• Zerzan Bagels
• salmon cream cheese [gross]
  
• brunching up
• tree hunting
• a Target run
• Rubios

a couple of downers from this last trip to the City:

• lint in my headphone jack
• flight delays...ughhhhhhh

at the end of it all, the realization that it's time for me to take the next step in life grows stronger with each of these trips. one could argue it's so many trips away that prevent me from really settling into this phase...but i feel i've become very comfortable during my time here and it really just is time to move on. oddly, trips home make me wonder if there's going to be a stop after the one i hope to make soon. all i really know is that as the new year comes it's time to really put more effort into getting where i know i'm going.

dancefest '08

after a month away the Michigan vs. Ohio State and three birthdays provided good reason to return to the City for a weekend of foolish, dancing fun...and it lived up to and exceeded all expectations. It was a weekend that definitely involved a lot of new experiences...but was comfortable as it was still familiar...highlights...

• timely bart rides, a plethora of cabs...and just all the different methods of transport just working well together
• trying something new...and it not working out but it totally working out
• a couple of pretty stellar djs
• owning the dance floor [part 1]
  
• girls throwing down on the dance floor
• beat, ethnic Palin
• Wayne Wonder
  
• Peter: "And you would like it." Los: "And I'd watch"
• Gough to Turk to Steiner...why?
• rising early for football [even if the result wasn't so great]
• a good idea gone bad[another weird cab ride]
  
• gyming up
• napping up [big time]
• birthday dinner with friends
• owning the dance floor [part 2]
• "Obama, Obama, Obama, Obama, Obama!!!" followed by "Whatever You Like"
• the speediest cab
• Los losing his voice...and the angre therefrom
  
• fried chicken, gaterade, and cheez-its
• Los: "I'm at a low point - eating Cheez-Its with a bag on my wrist, stumbling all over the place. I'm like David Hasselhoff eating that cheeseburger"
  
• "Hey buddy" at like 8:30 a.m. [sorry for not waking for a talk Los]
• Cheez-Its...the breakfast of champions
  
• brunching up...La Boulange style
• strolling downtown
• taking in an afternoon movie
• getting in milo and driving home from the airport

Another solid weekend with great friends. Happy Birfday to the 3 birfday kids!!! Woohoo. See u in 2 weeks City.

now that makes me happy...

Seriously, as short and simple as this video is, it brings great joy to my life. I cannot take credit for its discovery, I came upon it via a friend's facebook status message. Every time I watch it, that goofy little clip makes me happy.

Happiness is a funny thing. Most everyone of us strives for it, hopes for it, searches for it, and finds it. We all feel a certain sense of entitlement to it [altho that realization has nothing to do with my thoughts right now]. What's funny about happiness to me is that, to be honest, I've often been afraid to be happy. I catch myself sometimes...feeling happy and content and truly satisfied with things...and then I begin to be afraid...afraid of losing it and things falling apart. What's funnier is when I catch myself catching myself...realizing the sense of fear and in a way, ever so brief and momentary panic of a sort.

The odd part about it is that I think I'm a pretty happy person...easily defining myself as happy-go-lucky. It's only when I find myself happy with certain things, things I'm usually discontent with, that I begin to worry about the unraveling. Lately I find myself connecting with Los Angeles and my work more...finding a certain comfort and joy in further developing the roots in the place I am often ready to move away from to the places that feel ever more like home. But I've been establishing more a balance between where I am and the places of dreams...and for the most part it's a good thing.

Oddly, I'm still deeply connected to the place I look to get back to, as tonite's barage of late nite text messages indicates. Good hearing for all the peeps...makes me of course wish I were there enjoying the silliness of it all. I look forward to next weekend up in the City with the clowns that I'm lucky to be able to call my good friends. Good nite for now.

a diatribe on our world's inequities

As many in our country celebrate and find joy in the last day's events, as I see many a facebook status message rejoicing, as many [including many of my closest friends] find hope and something wonderful...I find myself frustrated, disappointed, devastated, angry, sad and in a state of negativity. No, I was not and am not a John McCain supporter, but rather I find myself caring more about the outcome of Proposition 8 in California...personally it takes most everything away from the Presidential election and Barack Obama's amazing performance.

Many things have and will be said about Prop. 8 and I could go in many different directions with this post; as I spent my day at work I thought about a multitude of eloquent things to say...failing to remember them all now unfortunately...

I remember the day after John Kerry lost to George Bush 4 years ago...I remember how gloomy it was in San Francisco on that Wednesday, how the weather and general mood of the City seemed to mimic so perfectly my feelings about the election as well as those I was close to at the time [and am still close to now]. It was pretty much the low point in my brief history of caring about politics. That day really sucked.

But this day sucks more. As the results poured in yesterday I followed along closely, both at work and at home after I voting. By the time results started to come in about Prop. 8 the Presidential race was over and done with...and even if it weren't I would have followed Prop. 8 more closely than anything else. The initial results shocked me, with Prop. 8 in the lead...but I hoped it would change, as I had seen many other races change throughout the evening. Unfortunately it didn't as the nite rapidly became a bittersweet one.

I'm about to traverse a difficult line, a touchy subject and say some things that I'm sure could be easily misunderstood. With that disclaimer, I think anyone who knows me will understand what I'm saying. The election of Barack Obama, a man who is part African-American [among other things] to the Presidency of the United States rings hollow with an unfortunate irony to it. As more than one article as pointed out, around 70% of African-Americans voted in favor of Prop. 8 yesterday. It's saddening that the group that has served as the poster-child for just how intolerable and unfair discrimination is, on one what was a day of undeniable achievement and change for that group voted in such a way as to discriminate against another group of individuals, a group that I'm sure faces as much discrimination in its most perverse forms as any other in this day and age.

There are a multitude of reasons for such a voting pattern I'm sure. I lay no blame, but rather note that those age 65 and over also voted overwhelmingly in favor of Prop. 8 [while those age 30 and under voted strongly against it]. Another interesting stat: college educated people voted against Prop. 8 whereas those without a college education voted for it. As such it is clear that much of the discrimination that exists now is due to societal and generational differences...things that I do believe will pass in time. But the simple fact exists and it is truly unfortunate. It's no reason to judge or feeling anything about any group of people...it's far too easy to stereotype and to take simple statistics for more than they are...it's another to look at those numbers and see the opportunity to make a difference, have and influence, and potentially reach out to others.

As for making a difference, I may be as mad at myself as I am anyone else on this issue, feeling I should have done more than simply vote and post facebook and g-chat status messages against Prop. 8. My brother is gay and he recently married his wonderful partner out here in California, specifically in Los Angeles [LA County sadly voted in favor of Prop. 8 50.4% to 49.6%]. Leading up to the vote yesterday I didn't realize how strongly the issue would impact me and how much it meant to me...and I'm annoyed with myself for not making more of a contribution to a cause I care deeply about. I have thought much about my brother and Jeremy these last 24+ hours...reading Nick's blog entry today saddened me to the point of bringing tears to my eyes. Neither he nor any other person in this nation of ours, in this world we live in deserve to feel discriminated against and like there is something he or she cannot do, cannot obtain. And so now I kick myself a bit...

Yet at the same time I know how hard it must be to convince anyone on the issue. It tends to be a polarizing one...some studies suggest people had their minds made up in August, well in advance of the onslaught of ads that came about. I think the way in which a difference is made is when people actually see gay couple together, see the normalcy of their relationships and the love they share for one another...the same love that everyone else shares with/for their significant others, their family members, their closest of friends.

People will try to say that "traditional" marriage needed saving. They will argue this has been a moral battle. Other will say that this was about the kids and that it's about the family. Those are all pathetic excuses that have nothing to do with anything. Bob and SueAnn marrying has not effect on my life, just like Jim and Tom marrying doesn't change anything for me or anyone else.

Marriage, the marriage that "traditionalists" say needs defending is about loving another person, about caring for another human being and finding that you want to put them before you. It's about committing to spend your life with someone. Marriage is about a fundamental connection between two individuals who want to share their lives together and who also often would like to build a family together to share in that love. When a father loves his son, when a mother loves her daughter...there's nothing wrong with it. Clearly it's not about two members of the same sex loving each other and caring about each other. Some say marriage is a sacred bond [and then say it's only between man and woman], but it's about the bond and not the two individuals who share it. It's where two become one and really the special thing about marriage is what comes about from it, not the individuals entering into it. There are plenty of straight marriages that don't work out and I'm sure many relationships between gays don't workout either. But there are plenty of gay couples out there who care as deeply about one another, who have a relationship full of love and meaning equal to that of any straight couple...there's no reason to discriminate.

I feel I could go on for so long on this issue. But I'm happy to know the good fight continues on, even if there should be no need for a fight now. I've come to realize that it's important to take the frustration, anger, sadness, and every other powerful emotion I've felt and make sure it doesn't go to waste; it's necessary to use that energy for something positive and glorious...because moping will get one nowhere. To all those whose hearts were broken by the results of yesterday [including those in Arizona and Florida, as well as Arkansas which ridiculously banned gay couples from adopting], know that there are many, many out there who love you and support you and are with you on all of this...and tho patience should not be necessary at this time and tho now was supposed to be the time for change, I and many others will not give up on ensuring equal treatment you and everyone else.

On a closing note, a couple articles about how this issue is far from resolved...

sfgate

queerty

And you can find the California Supreme Court opinion that provided us with so much hope and made it possible for many to marry here. It's a bit of a read, but maybe we could all find the time to look it over and recognize that equality is what's important.

weekends update

So during another absence in writing I've had two amazing weekends out of town...with one actually being a relaxing and desperately needed extended weekend. The usual updates are to follow with tonite coming double feature style. Some extra words to come as well...

Two weeks ago I took Thursday and Friday off from work to head home for my best friend's wedding. An event I'd been looking forward since the day I found out they'd be getting married...it definitely lived up to every expectation and even provided some funny things to think about. What really struck me was how nice it was to be home, albeit a shambled, cold, and messy version of home as my parents are in the midst of an expansion.

Trips home tend to confound simply because they provide what is an alternate sense of what life back in Ann Arbor would be like. I say this because most every trip home is for a certain, specific occasion, one that many of my nearest and dearest friends are also heading back to a2 for as well. As such we all make sure we gather to kick it and spend quality time with each other [even if a good handful of us just hung out in California the weekend before]. But in the end, few of us are actually living in Ann Arbor...and so living there must be a different experience. These glimpses of an alternate reality or of an Ann Arbor that could be are truly tempting enough to at the very least give one pause about his Western existence and stay on the left coast.

Combine the great company with the absolute beauty of Ann Arbor during fall...when the leaves change to the most amazing, vibrant, and autumn-like colors imaginable [on top of the desire to be away from work], it makes for a place that is hard not to miss and yearn for desperately. It was enough to convince me of the need to return home for Turkey Day...and I'm really looking forward to seeing the improvements on the house which are already amazing.

**********

As for the reason for the trip home, the wedding was amazing. It was great to actually get to spend so much time with my best friend, something I have done since summers during college when we were both back home, living with the 'rents. It's nice that as much as we grow and change in ways as individuals...we're still the same and still able to just go about being our stupid selves as if we never missed a beat. It's what defines lifelong friends and is all the difference in the world.

The bride, another close friend of mine, was radiant all weekend long and a blast to be around as she is at all times. Chris and Alexa are truly two of my favorite people in the world and it's easy to see just how right they are for one another and personally it's amazing to really see, knowing both of them well, how happy they are together and how happy they make each other.

The ceremony was great, the reception was a blast...and I did my best to not embarrass myself [or Chris] when I was prompted to speak at the reception after being told such niceties were not necessary. Getting to be a part of their day and also getting to see all of our close and great friends and family there too was really special. Definitely not an event that will be forgotten.

Highlights from the wedding weekend...

• the Chris Taylor bachelor party experience
• hearing Nelly, just like the old golfing days [i'm still kinda in shock about this one]
  
• Dora the Explorer
• almost seriously injuring Chris whilst pushing him around the parking lot at high speed in a shopping cart
• getting kicked out of the coin shop
• getting scolded [i was not scolded as i was still not listening]
• friday nite dinner like when we were kids
• Cafe Felix, part 1
• Groomsmen unite!
• the wedding itself
• hearing Nick song
• Bill throwing the ring into the Bible
• providing Michigan updates
• impromptu speaking
• hearing Alexa sing
• the Greenhills fotos
• Cafe Felix, part 2
• trying to do some dancing
• The Fleetwood - outside at 2 am in 35 degree weather...but it was tasty
• the continuation of the "a man doesn't cut his burger in half" argument
• sleeping on an air mattress in my now twice the size it used to be room
• the expanding home
• texts to and from the LA visitors
• getting to see and catch up with so many old friends and teachers
• getting to meet some new people
  
• the amazing fall colors
• simply being home

*********

As for this past weekend, another couple of days in the City as usual for me. But this weekend was a little special...it was milo's first road trip [and he handled it fantastically] and there was a Greenhills alumni reunion Saturday nite which was a ton of fun. It's amazing how well connected so many of us Greenhills stay over the years...we meet up and are able to just enjoy each others' company. It was definitely a special experience for me and I think the shared experience so many of us had, even tho we may be of slightly different ages, allows us to come together for such events and feel a sense of comfort among one another.

The weekend more generally was accidentally epic...it was not as planned but it was as big as could be in many ways. In talking with one friend who was also back home for the weekend, he sounded as tho he were ready for another tame weekend...while another friend was looking forward to some quality time out and about...in the end their roles reversed but a good time was generally had by all. You definitely cannot plan for such epicness to come about...sometimes things just align right and the ludicrous amount of fun is had...

• milo's first road trip up to the Yay
• the Marina
• the bartender - it was just unfair and stupid
• moving on to Gravity without it even being said...the pattern
• Ed getting some T.I. put on right away!
  
• street corner breakin' on some random cardboard box
• breaking the pattern
• another discussion about Stacks
• the brilliance of combining KFC and Taco Bell
• "are you an ambidextruos masterbater?"
• pictures at Comet Club
• "do you work for nbc?"
  
• Tequila!
• Ed's green volvo
• rolling to Cybelle's late nite style and the funny dood sitting outside who was into the tunes
• not hungover
• watching the Michigan game...as painful as it was
• Los' poison oak...ew
  
• halftime at Safeway [a lil fried chicken]
• Beer Pong/Beirut and backing up all the talk
• Al, Henry, Deefs, Henry's fotos, and me all in milo...barely
• sloped parking and milo fitting
• the stupid good food at the reunion
• catching up and talking with a bunch of Greenhills peeps
• giving Mr. Zellers a ride
• awesome parking spots
  
• a few drinks at the White Horse with Mr. Zellers
• Henry's work being much better than any of the other stuff at the show
• souling out for a bit
• the giant group hug
• Beer Pong/Beirut til the wee hours of the morning and Greek domination
• "retirement"
  
• trying to pick up a Smart Car on our way home...and the funny old asian dood who spoke no English but tried to help
• heading home at like 5 in the a.m.
• not hungover [again]
• a little time at du Soleil [the pecan sticky bun...mmm]
• the shame [this is a lowlight...and i apologize to all who had to put up with my antics Saturday nite...i'd been drinkin' =/]
  
• Thai House Express
• an afternoon with Los
  
• first rides in milo for: Peter, Al, Henry, Laura, and Los
• a good drive home
• quality time with quality people

Anywho...i'mr eady to throw my laptop out the window at this point as it frustrates me to no end...i should have been done with all this like an hour ago...g'nite world...ugh i don't wanna work manana.

weekend down! [it's not what it sounds like yo]

i was lucky enough to have a group of friends come down from the City to stay with me for the weekend...after a somewhat later than ideal arrival we still managed to get out Friday nite and have some good times...overall it was a great weekend and it's always nice to see and spend time with good people. per the usual, highlights:

• Happy Hour
• dinner and strolling
• the awaited arrival
• Ed's no gentleman
• taking Grover for a fast ride...and just getting to know Grover all weekend
• first-timers to Los Angeles
• the dood in shorts and sandals...well, sandals after going barefoot...at the club
• Los complaining that the DJ wouldn't play T.I., only for "Whatever You Like" to be the next song
• the cougars
• throwing down on the dance floor
• "Armenian" burritos & Beerfest
• morning jog
  
• Foxy's and pinkberry and laying out a bit
• rolling caravan style in milo & Grover
  
• the Getty and the competing songs and the funny tram ride
• cold beach
• tag-teaming traffic
• Los: "Lou, do u got any Cheez-Its like last time?"
• the Rock Band rotation
• dinnering up with some good Sangria...but NO cheese breads!!!!!! (WTF???)
• meeting up with Jeremy for a drink
• dancing it up, again
• "Whatever You Like" (again)
• Carlo showing some moves
• Los getting wild
• Atonement and Old School
• Roscoe's [with Jeremy too!] & pinkberry
• Los' Feliz shirt
• finally getting the right street for the Hollywood sign
  
• hosting and spending time with people I love
• somehow fitting 4
  
• all the laughs and jokes and good times
• the keeping of traditions...and introducing the traditions to others
  

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as my late nite post last nite indicated, i find myself mentally preoccupied much of the time...something lurks and quietly nags. it's there, tho its presence is not necessarily always felt. the weekend added some additional weird element to it...and after the friends departed and i realized this week brings the end of monday nite dinners with my brother in law...well, a certain sadness hit that could only be stemmed by passing out from exhaustion, with the exhaustion itself playing some role in the feeling...

as i found myself on my bed the other nite, full of thoughts and hopes and wishes...thinking about some of the things i want in life i felt a small sense of total disillusionment with myself and the silly life i lead. i have much to be thankful for...so much that it makes me almost feel guilty for ever being down in the dumps and having woes of my own...for wanting some of the things i want in life.

it's hard to explain...and i guarantee this sounds weird and like much more than it actually is in reality. it's just funny to realize that you have a lot, that there is so much good out there...but to still want something else. i guess the best thing to do is to be thankful for what you've got and let the rest take care of itself. and it always seems to do just that somehow.



* tonite's pic was taken by either Laura or Meaghan
** the current Top 5 is based on tunes rocked out to as we cruised around this weekend

ha!

a short entry tonite...as i'm sitting in my living room with my out of town guests, watching Old School...as Ed sings along...haha.

fun times tonite...yet i find myself preoccupied in many ways even as i have a great time. what's up with that?

altered perspective

I had a life-changing experience tonite.

That is a much grander claim than it sounds...mainly because of how the phrase is commonly used. Yet at the same time it's a true statement.

Another monday nite, another monday nite dinner with Jeremy...always a good time full of goofy antics and inane trivialities. We headed to Los Feliz Village to eat at a place I've longed to checkout, simply based on walking by on many a Sunday afternoon and seeing tables full of people outside in what I could only perceive as ajoyful, blissful existence [in stark contrast to the Sunday doldrums I am often afflicted with as the start of another week looms.

Knowing nothing about the place aside from appearances, for some reason I longed to check it out...maybe to find some of that joy and bliss. And that we did. The food was really great [we're yet to go astray on our monday nite quests for delisciousness...but this was towards the top of our list], the ambience and atmosphere were simply amazing: a perfect evening with a temperature around 74 degress, clear skies, and wonderful outdoor seating.

For whatever reason I found the sense of complete and utter contentment I've written about in this very space before. While that makes me sound like an often depressed sad sap, that is far from the truth. I enjoy much of life, from the simply and the mundane to the more epic times with my epic friends...to quality time with family [a big part of the last week...and something I needed and am grateful for]. Yet there are moments...extended moments...where I find myself not quite manic but just in a state that must be something nearing nirvana.

As I find myself in these time a part of me has a bit of a panic attack, thinking that I'm doomed to fall and find a phase of disillusionment. In part it stems from my theory of emotional homeostasis and the fact that no matter what the difficulty I find myself spending at least part of the down time happy and balancing the negativity out. Another part of it simply relates to a lack of faith...a faith in a grander thing, a faith that one can just float along and have everything be ok...yet the faith concern I realize is entirely normal. Faith isn't about a blind belief where one never questions or worries...rather one believes in the best and do so even with or inspite of concerns. And so I found myself believing as I drove home for the evening.

So tonite changed my life...at least for the evening and on some subtle level more permanently. Sometimes it only takes a small alteration to result in a big difference.

**********

The post script to this evening was the hostess at the restaurant. I simply fell in love with her...in part from the moment I laid eyes on her and more so from the simply and fleeting interactions we had with her as she brought us to our table and also refilled out water glasses on ocassion.

In typical fashion I fell for her on the drop of dime and for no good reason beyond some silly, hopelessly romantic, goofy, idealistic, intuitive feeling...and as with the other times this has happened it's a funny way of saying you fall in love with someone...as my days will [unfortunately] go by without her and I'll continue on whatever goofy path I'm on in life.

But still, it was refreshing...she was truly refreshing.


* foto by my brother

where?

I wonder on a pretty daily basis where my urge, desire, need to blog has gone...because it sure feels lost. *sigh*. To me it seems like an indicator...of something less than positive. I find myself dwelling ins useless and fruitless activities...spending my time in non-beneficial ways at times.

Obviously I've done a lot of positive stuff as well, like spending time with family and friends here in LA more than I normally do. Yet I also end up just wasting some of my spare and precious time...not even doing nothing [sometimes u just need to do nothing, it's necessary and positive on occasion] but rather being either counter-productive or just wasteful with my time.

Being an adult is weird and difficult...a constant level of responsibility is a bit tiring and exhausting. It takes more than its fair share of adjusting. Alas...we do all have to grow up...but I hope to maintain my inner child at the same time. But I do need to manage time and just everything generally better I guess...fun. Uggggghhhhhh

Well...I should do some work, a little cleaning...and so on. Busy week ahead of me and I'm really looking forward to the weekend...hopefully the week will go by quickly.

people.

I'm taking a break from my day of work, in part because I'm not getting much done and would rather write during this period of futility...

It's a weird Monday today...hard to explain but I'm sure people around me can tell. In part I am simply tired and out of it. At the same time my mind is also elsewhere and I in many ways desire to be elsewhere myself. The weekend provided a multitude of things to think about and reasons to wonder...especially about people. Not any people in particular but in a more general sense.

There are a pretty small number of people I would say I know really, really, really well. My definition of "really, really, really well" is knowing someone to the point where you can easily and accurately predict their behavior, likes, dislikes, etc. For example, as I sat reading in a cafe yesterday I turned to my friend and said to him: "She's the type of lady I see you settling down with one day." He responded something like: "If you asked me, I would have told you the same thing." He is one of the handful or so of people I feel I know that much about and am that close to.

My problem is that I sometimes don't realize how short that list is in reality. It's not unfortunate to have a short list for such people, in my opinion you can only have a short list [altho I'm sure I know a much larger number of people to do a pretty decent job and predicting their reactions to various things and so on]. The list is, in the end, my core group of closest friends and family. My tendency is to be trusting with people and accept things at face value. [As if often the case on my blog I am not doing a good job explaining this particular thought.]

Yet at times in interacting with people the fact that I only know a certain amount of information about them reveals itself. It's not a bad thing for the most part and I'm sure it's a two-way street. In the end people are just interesting. Their words and actions are interesting. Their motivations are interesting. Sometimes things are as simple as they seem but at other times it's more complicated. It's just funny when you come across a disconnect between what you do know about the person [and thus your expectations of said person] and how the person responds/reacts [or possibly who the person really is as a person].

I'm not sure exactly why this is a topic I'm thinking about. Some of it is motivated by interactions with people I know over the weekend. Part of it is just my simple nature, I really enjoy people watching and this all kind of follows along with that. The flipside of all of this is that there are times when you don't think your know someone as well as you actually do.

So...in reality I have been jumping back and forth between rambling and working...not a good way to maintain a train of thought [but a way to give my mind brief respites from working/thinking]. People are funny and it's funny the various roles they play in our lives and that we play in theirs. You can try all you want but in the end it seems like a lot of that [the roles played] just comes about on its own and is something that can't be forced...no matter how much you want to play a certain role in someone else's life or have someone as a certain role in your life. You to play certain roles and know people based on the roles they play in your life and all of this has an effect on how well you end up knowing someone...whether you really, really, really know them or just really know them.

As is often the case...this has become incoherent babbling on my part [I really believe it started out strong tho...at least with some promise].

spare keys

I took an extra day and added it to my weekend for the past few days and just enjoyed a somewhat more relaxing time up north with friends. Somewhat different than the more common epic weekends we've had...but still equally enjoyable, meaningful, and important. I won't write much more beyond the highlight list...but for a few different reasons the weekend provided lots to think about and ponder. What's new there tho?

highlights...

• movie nite with the boys [88 Minutes is not a movie u need to see]
• Tic-Toc Doc
  
• spare keys [and the ability to come and go that came with]
• lunch with a friend i don't see as often
• bootleg pinkberry...all good except for the stale Cap'n Crunch
• gyming up
• 3 grassfed hamburgers...and the 3 different cheeses
• Los: "I'd take her out to lunch and kiss her"
• crashing out
  
• golf with rental clubs...well played Sam Song, well played
• time at du Soliel
• rooftop beer and conversation
• Los: "It was like 11:30 or 10:00."
  
• the almost inexplicable contentment of the view
• thuggish nite
• typical Lou not know what to do
• "T.I.!!!!!!" & "Whatever You Like!!!!!" & the fact that is worked
• "Hood Figga" on twice
• Los: "Yea, let's go to Safeway. How often are u in town?"
• doorbell ditching and singing & rapping all the way
• Los' fried chicken soulmate
• Grover & Milo - great names for great cars that will be great friends
• two visits to du Soleil in one day
  
• catching up
• late nite burrito & tacos

Alright...it's definitely time for sleep and rest...which really means just lying in bed for a bit, thinking, and then passing out.

knocking

It's been a confusing and somewhat topsy-turvy day to be honest. I absolutely love blogging and enjoy writing openly and honestly in this space but at times what's on my mind just doesn't seem like something appropriate to write about at all or in a straightforward manner. The feeling of a need to censor myself makes me think i should just write in my journal...an exercise overlooked for many, many months now [in part because of this space but just as much due to an unfortunate laziness and simple oddness I have when it comes to journals]. All that said, I think much of what I express here in less than honest terms is stuff those who know me already know about...and they easily understand what I'm getting at. Anywho...on to tonite's thoughts...

An opportunity of sorts presented itself today. It was one that I thought was already closed and gone but for a reason I do not know the opportunity is back. I go back and forth between feeling overly excited and trying to clam myself and prepare for the possibility that nothing will come of this opportunity. I remember this position all too well from a time in my life where I went through it over and over again for a period of about 10 months. I hope to make the best of what has presented itself and I'm thankful for it, whatever the end result. My emotions bounced around as the day progressed and I definitely found myself caught up at times.

Obviously only so much is in my control...so all I can do is my best on that area...the rest will take care of itself and sort itself out and no matter the outcome life will continue and I will adjust accordingly [I continue to firmly believe that people are much more resilient than they often realize and that our ability to get thru life's hardships is a reflection of this...we adapt to changed circumstances and find ways to continue on and find happiness under circumstances we thought would rob us of our happiness and being...but that's a tangent].

The more important realization of the day came as I pushed my cart the insisted upon consistently veering right to my car as I left Costco this evening. I thought about today's news and the handful or so of people I shared it with and their reactions. Their support, enthusiasm, well wishes, and general reactions are reminders of how lucky I am in life to know the people I do and be able to call them friends. It also makes being as far away from them as I am a bummer...but still. So that's the lesson I take from this opportunity...whatever it is exactly [I honestly don't know all the details yet]. Whether it works out or not it's already provided a renewed sense of hope and anticipation and served as a reminder of the positives...and just maybe I'll stop ghhhhhhhuhhhhhing so much...haha.


notes:
I feel like I'm losing whatever semblance of a voice as a writer I used to have...as if I'm forcing the last couple entries and over thinking the potential audience for this blog [limited as it may be...haha]. I also fear it's in part due to the type of writing work requires...ghhhhhhuhhhhhhh

ghhhhhhhhhuhhhhh

The inconsistent writing on my blog is gnawing at me in a very annoying manner [i guess anything the gnaws is annoying...and don't even get me started on the failure to write on the music blog in well over a month]...but i struggle to get myself to do anything about it. If you could hear me right now, you'd hear me making the sound i tried to spell out with tonite's title. It's a sound i find myself making all too often these days [funnily, it's a sound Jeremy thought was an indication of something seriously wrong with my health...or just me being really gassy...hahaha...if you ever read this Jeremy, I love you for the hilarious laughter you bring to my life]...and it's a sound rooted in utter disgruntlement and just a sort of frustration and feeling of defeat.

i'm coming to realize that it stems from burnout. It's time for an extended vacation [or grander life change]...but one doesn't seem imminent. Well, i simply don't have much vacation time saved up [maybe like 4 days now] and change doesn't seem to be acomin'. The lack of anything coming soon compounds the burnout...and leads to the ghhhhhhuhhhhh sound effect.

But in sitting here and writing a bit [and then deleting a bit...and then writing a bit more] it actually brings me some sense of peace to realize it's related to being burned out...as opposed to actually feeling truly defeated. It's an added sense of perspective, a dose of which will hopefully help in finding a renewed sense of energy and patience. Afterall, the burnout relates to just one aspect of life...anywho, i'm struggling to keep my eyes open and need to get up early and figure out car insurance stuff tomorrow...hopefully my new ride will be here soon.

utter disillusionment

A coworker and I discussed some politics during lunch today and he expressed his astonishment that the election is even a contest after McCain's running mate selection. For some dumb reason I have the Republican convention on as I sit here at home. Being the Demograt I am it's obviously frustrating to hear the things Rudy Giuliani is spouting off as I sit and type [it's what inspired me to write]. I could easily go on for days about problems with the Republican party and also Rudy Giuliani and that's with an extremely limited knowledge of things.

But what really is driving me right now is the overall political situation these days. Watching one side just go on and on and essentially poke fun and and dis the other side is frankly pathetic and unseemly. It's not what politics should be about...and it simply reinforces that no one is listening...at least no one is listening to anyone who isn't saying exactly what they want to hear.

Parties talk past one another and just do all they can to placate constituencies that are so focused on their views and beliefs that all one can do is appeal to exactly those views and not actually engage in conversation and debate. There is so much wrong in politics, on both sides of the party lines, that it frankly leads to a sense of total and complete disillusionment at times. When was the last time you had a conversation with someone who disagreed with you about an issue and you actually convinced them of something? When was the last time someone convinced you?

What's worse is how people just buy into these overarching and ridiculous statements. Just as an example, Giuliani goes on and on about Obama's lack of experience and then tries to argue how Palin has so much...he of course has to qualify it with "executive" which is at the same time intended to make her sound that much mor eimpressive. But she's served, for a short period of time, as the governor of Alaska...not necessarily the state with the most going on [not intended to be a putdown on the state at all].

Blind allegiances annoy the hell out of me and it often seems they are at an all time high. An inability to hear the views of others and consider them is one of the worst shortcomings one could possess. Life is about compromise, give and take, listening...and I fear there is far too little of it these days.

Well, I'm off to hear what Palin has to say...more propoganda [as that is what politics boils down to these days] I'm sure...

long weekend

This past weekend felt longer than 3 days in many ways, in part because each day came with it's fair share of variety in terms of experiences. From the drastic turnabout of going from work in LA to on the town with friends in the City, to the bar fun of watching a Michigan game into a nite of slightly dressed up fun...and on and on. The theme of the weekend was diversity in a way...getting to see friends of all sorts [old, new, high school, law school, etc.]

On to the highlights...

• Etiquette and the funny role it played in my weekend
• "Love will solve all your problems, Love will only let you down."
• karaoke and Deefs just owning the spot
• my friend's couch
• the start to college football season at Blue Light...even if the result wasn't what was hoped for, good to be back at it and also surrounded by friends
• new shoes [not sure how much I like them just yet]
• "fucked up"
  
• the Entourage poster that made Los rally
• Los: Is wiener? of ice?"
  
• "The girl who danced with me the most was the most beat one."
• butt juice cabbie [dood was creepy...hope Ed got where he was going ok with that guy]
• Safeway's fried chicken at 2 am [BEST IDEA OF THE WEEKEND]
• meeting up with an old law school buddy, the $20 cover at Pier 23, the drunk driving gurls, being touristy, and then dinner, drinks, and catching up...and great laughs
• actually going to Etiquette and hanging out with a few of the younger siblings
• not getting my sunglasses stolen...and the fact that they made anyone who wore them at least 5% cooler
  
• Orion rolling out...in someone else's clothing
• dancing on three nites in a row
• Roscoe's North [friend chicken and eggs for breakfast]
• doodie butter
• an epic stroll covering the expanse of Fillmore
• a little Top Gun
• Don't Stop Believing - the pick me up i needed as i walked my way out of town

It was a grand weekend, epic as always. It's almost as if each half of a day was a day in itself...the experiences from day to nite were so different and also so fun. Honestly, the fun of the weekend, some of the discussions had, and just the general experience of it all has provided much to think about. Some of the pondering will remain entirely private [or mostly so] but i can reveal this: i feel so at home in the City, surrounded by the friends i know there as well as the friends i know that would visit there...at times it makes me feel as tho i'm missing out on some of the good times had...i'm sure that i am.

i am sure of few things in this world...in fact that is one of the things i am sure of...but there are many other things which i have much faith in, with or without good reason. i'm coming to know better where i belong...and am hoping to put that in line with where i am. Yet there is a difficulty with figuring some of this out because for now there is a disconnect between the two...and while bridging that gap will entail time, patience, effort, and hard work...it is a definite possibility, at least making certain aspects of the day dreams reality. For now tho, the difficulties of it persist in a tolerable yet frustrating way.

No complaints about the weekend...one which could easily have been derailed by certain hiccups was not, in part out of perserverance, in part just because that's how it was supposed to go down. I'm off to layout on the bed and fall into a land of dreams...one that for the past day has been...well, definitely dreamy.

Let's go blue.

boredom

I find an intense boredom sets in at times, in various aspects of life. For example, work used to often entail periods of hours with nothing to do...but the past few weeks have changed all that and provided a plethora of stuff that needs to be done, keeping me busy throughout the day. Even with so much to keep me busy I find myself a bit bored at times, hence the taking a quick break to blog.

But the grander form of boredom comes in the land of daydreaming. I hope to never stop daydreaming. Personally, spending time daydreaming is a sign of youth; even though I've entered the adult or "real" world there's still a child inside me or that is a part of me. Yet I grow tired of daydreaming in the sense that I'm ready for some of those dreams (the ones that are actually capable of coming true) to come to fruition and to, in a sense, lead the life I want to be living.

Not to say I'm not doing so in many ways, but some of the daydreams grow old because they are yet to become reality and others are frankly just stale and repetitive. The remedy is to make some changes and also find some new things to ponder as the days go by and I spend time with my mind elsewhere. It's similar to the periods in life where I yearn for new music. And while there are some new "things" I could use in life, it's good to find contentment and even joy in the present because it's pretty awesome in its own right. Plus, the future holds what it may and I'm sure is full of changes, new daydreams, and lots of other silliness (which in my opinion should be spelled with a 'y').

I'm really craving the McDonald's that is scheduled for lunch...so I'm off to kill 15 minutes before heading out...

[epic] weekend up[date]

After taking a 6-week hiatus from trips to the City (a very long time for me), I headed up to celebrate the birthday with friends and it was a grand time. One of those friends and I often talk about the lives we lead and the fun we have in terms of being "epic." It's a topic that has come up before in this space but as I made my way home I spent some time thinking about it as I relfected on how great the weekend was. At the end of the day, I feel the reason the term is appropriate for our way of life, because no matter what we have a good time doing what we do and enjoy it to an extent that it truly is epic. The fun we find in things, from the "objectively" epic to the mundane...the level of enjoyment we take in these things is truly epic in proportions. While this sense of joy may not come with all things, I feel it's always present when our group is together, be it two of us or three or many many more.

I do these lists of weekend highlights...always trying my best to remember the best moments of each weekend...but because of how great these times are and how many amazing moments there are [from Los's funny statements, to Peter's witty commentary and retorts, to getting crazy on the dancefloor with Al, Ed, and any other member of our crew]...it's simply impossible to document them all...so there lists are really only a glimpse of everything and the grand epicness of it all...on that note...

list up!

• realizing how much i missed this place and the feeling of coming home as i walked out of the bart station
• a warm welcome and a cup of tea
• the slowest service ever
• "Los: I thought he was going to text message everyone to tell them his VP.
• Lou: what do u expect him to do, shoot a text that's like 'Yo Los, this Obama. Just wanted to let u know i'm going to Biden up.'?"
  
• "Cheeeeeetas!!!!"
• "Did she just say Cheetos?"
• a bevy of talent
• Don't Stop Believing & P.Y.T.
• "Do you want to go to an orgy?"
  
• Los asking if he could take a picture
  
• asking for a ride home
• the dood who was clearly tripping on something
• brunching up
• Los finding a good color for paint
• go-karts [and owning everyone at racing them]
• the 4 kazoos
• my embarrassing performance in the batting cages
• dinner and drinks with friends
• catching up
• "You could go to war with Los and he'd get you a slice of pizza."
  
• dancing the nite away with a great group of people
• "Los: hey Lou, do u know who I have a man crush on?
• Lou: who?
• Los: Sam Song"
  
• most of the regular dance crew below (minus Los and Sam)
  

• late nite pizza
  
• the quick hangover turnaround
• kickin it at du soleil with a croque monsieur, cheese danish, and cafe au lait...and good company of course
• the cute gurl in the seat next to me on the plane and yet another display of a total lack of game [but she liked my shoes!!!]
• all the great laughs and funny moments and getting to be around people i love on my berfday

crazy view of LA as the plane came into land...awfully flat and a bunch of straight, parallel, perpendicular lines...

and the breaks just keep on coming

so it's pretty clear the blogging has fallen off lately. i still find myself thinking about things to write about...just never at a convenient time to write (read: as i drive to and from work). add in being busy at work, lazy at home, and the fact that i can watch Heroes online thru netflix and it's a recipe for not a lot of blogging. the music blog is in worse shape.

i guess the hope is that the continued thinking and pondering will catch up to me...and also that i'll get the necessary inspiration to write about some of the thoughts. the need to write on the music blog is beginning to gnaw at me but i should get some sleep for now...only because the netflix site is undergoing maintenance. anywho...goodnite.

in need of refining

my writing definitely needs work. i feel my last post is an example of a poor job of failing to express my thoughts in a clear manner. i think i shouldn't write with the tv on as much as i do as it simply distracts me and disrupts my train of thought. i should do a better job of remembering exactly what i want to write about on the occasions that i end up writing about thoughts i spent time at an earlier time.

anywho...that's about it for tonite. been working most of the day but made a nice dinner and got some pinkberry...sprinkling in some vegging out and olympics viewing to make the day bearable. another day of work tomorrow which isn't ideal...i'm already looking forward to next weekend and it's still this weekend. can't wait for the weekend after next, making the long-awaited return to the City after what will be 7 weeks of not venturing north (must be a record for the last year). looking forward to time with friends and some serious dancing. it's why i need to break out the old school moves and get my practice on. ha.

move your feet.

in my last entry i wrote about a lack of crushes. it was probably a misstatement for me to go that far...i'd say i am crushing on at least one gurl. in typical fashion i do nothing about it...she's my gym crush and to be honest approaching a gurl at the gym is awkward on its own and i'm totally not that guy who is at the gym to hit on the ladies. also, i don't see my gym crush too often...and finally i'm just me and my habit is to not do anything about a gurl i'm crushing on.

but i think in a way what i was expressing last time i wrote was more a lack of passion and excitement about things in life. not a general malaise but just a lack of specific things to get hyphy about, so to speak. yet since last writing i've come to realize that too is untrue.

i'm excited and passionate about many things in life, from some of the upcoming big events to just things i can do everyday. today, i took a "break" from my workout [after being on a elliptical machine next to the gym crush and of course doing nothing but wondering why i was really tired and felt kinda ill] and headed into the studio the gym has. it was empty and so i took the opportunity to attempt to relive some younger days and actually try out some of the dance moves learned back late in high school...also updating with the new moves. importantly, i wanted to see how good or bad my six-step is these days.

the first attempts were not impressive but i began to realize that i'm actually stronger than i've ever been at this point in my life [tho i don't know if i'm in the best overall shape of my life] and got the six-step flowing pretty well. i goofed around with some other stuff and just generally had a good time rocking out on my own with no music [it would have been on like donkey kong if i had some tunes]. i love to dance...i'm looking forward to doing some dancing again soon and i plan on working things out on my own when that studio is empty. i'll keep watching movies from the awesomely bad dance movie vault for inspiration.

**********

in other news, it's been a little over a year since i started work. i've learned a lot, including things i like and things i don't like. i've also learned that i have a lot to learn. but it's about figuring it out and just taking things away from your experiences and gaining what you can from them.

i've long felt a temporary sense to this job and this time in LA. i think it is what lead to the feeling of lacking earlier. as my friend pointed out, there's a need to get back to the City for the crushes to materialize...but really it's just what is necessary to find permanency and settling and truly embracing all the various aspects of life, be it dancing or working or just putting the various pieces of life together.

i feel much of my rambling, random as it may seem at times, is actually a coherent set of thoughts, emotions, concerns, and wonders. the coherence comes from the fact that my ramblings tend to go to the various aspect of life, i ramble about the many things that make up my goofy, foolish individuality.

anywho...i'm rambling and distracted by funny Olympic events. i leave with this...

Whitney Houston - I Wanna Dance With

that was a pretty redonkulous hiatus.

so, i clearly strayed far, far away from the goal of blogging daily for a month. i had a good run but totally lost it as of late...in part it came from being busy...but that is more of an excuse than an actual justification for the shortcomings on the writing front.

i think it really goes to just a lack of focus and a fractured train of thought of late. at times interesting topics flowed thru my mind but either i was not in a place where i could write or i simply just couldn't focus myself on the task. while not much is new, even on the intellectual or mental front, some milestones have occurred in recent weeks...including hitting the one year mark at work. my thoughts on that are a bit all over the place, much as i find my thoughts more generally lately.

in chatting with a friend today we cracked jokes ever so briefly about the ladies we will marry. at one point i noted how i really can't say i've met the woman i will marry. not that one can ever really make the claim in either direction, one never knows until it happens i guess. and i'm in no rush to get married. but the point beneath the joke, and one i pointed out, was that i am in a way lacking any crushes at this time in my life.

when i look back at the various stages of "Lou" i can deifnitely identify the major crushes of each stage or era...from elementary school to middle school and high school...on to college and then law school...even the "adult" world has had its crushes for me. yet now i find myself a bit restless without a crush. the funny part is i never pursued any crush seriously...nothing ever came of them. but they provided something to daydream about...

does growing up entail less daydreaming? i sure hope not. but i definitely do ponder how i and my close friends will change as adulthood takes hold. my thoughts tend to center on whether i will ever really grow up enough, as i tend to think of myself as an overgrown child...or at least a foolish individual of mental youth.

my friend said i need to get back to the City for the crushes to materialize...and i do find myself running on fumes at times. at the least i could use a vacation and a get away from the daily routines of life...and i'm sure it would provide an opportunity to fall in love with a gurl i know next to nothing about and will not pursue but just daydream about in my own time. i am reminded of part of one of the quotes on my brother's facebook profile about fallin in love:

Sometimes it was all but ephemeral, maybe only
an afternoon, but not less real for that.
They stay in my mind these beautiful people,
or anyway people beautiful to me, of which
there are so many. You, and you, and you,
whom I had the fortune to meet, or maybe
missed.

i think i have a penchant for such types of falling in love...completely unreal in a way...but just as exciting and fun and in its own way meaningful no less. the funny part about it is i don't really think i would know how to actually be serious about dating these days...the past year or so of exploring my individuality has been highly rewarding and eye-opening in many ways.

anywho...this was tonite's rambling of thoughts that pretty much came as i attempted to write, feeling a need to do so even if i didn't really start out with much in mind.

also...

aha!

lying on my couch i finally remembered what i thought to write about earlier this evening. sweet.

as i made my way through the line and it came my time to checkout at target the cashier asked me how i was doing. my response was a polite "good." this immediately prompted two thoughts in my mind, one familiar and the other prompting a bit of a funny realization.

my first thought was that our response to being asked how we are doing, especially by strangers or those we are not very close to is invariably something along the lines of good (or fine). it always makes me wonder why that is our default response, whether it is true or not. many times in my life my response has been "good" when it really was not how i felt. it just seemed like the only socially acceptable response at the time. i understand it...but it's just funny to me.

i also realized that tonite i really meant it when i said it. i mean, it's not a surprise but the past few months have involved at least getting down about one aspect of my life and at least for now it's something i'm coming to accept and be okay with...understanding it's not a permanent thing and it will simply come with ups and downs. hopefully it won't be the problem that it is for much longer...but who knows. hopefully i'll have a mini cooper soon to make everything in life awesome. haha.

anywho...back to vegging out on the couch.

bummer.

i totally forgot what i wanted to write about and sadly it was something i was looking forward to writing about and something that came to me all of a sudden as i stroll target this evening. it was nice because i felt i had nothing to write about or say and feeling like i had a topic of interest was nice. but now i forgot and that's a bummer.

bummer.

A new car!

I did not buy a new car, tho I did test drive a couple of Mini Coopers today...and they were a lot of fun to drive and I want one, badly. That just seemed like a fun title, something reminiscent of days spent watching the Price is Right as a child at daycare.

I find myself thinking back to earlier times in life more than usual these days...with no good reason. It's just a matter of simple reminders. For example, the intense heat of Los Angeles of late (which was only tempered ever so briefly..tho it remained quite humid...but the nites finally are coming with a certain cooling) has prompted me to take cool showers which take me back to warm summer days back home in Ann Arbor...after running around in the humidity and heat there was nothing one could do to cool off and find relief aside from cool off in the shower.

Other things take me back as well, funny things that escape me right now. It's funny to me to think about how we all grow, evolve, and change...for I'm sure many of us feel we continue on as the same individual we've always been (tho many of us all know and believe we've change). In talking with a good friend the other day she told me about her early college years, well before I knew her. In some ways she sounded so different than the person I know, which I pointed out and she felt she wasn't so different.

I feel I'm still the same dorky, foolish kid I was years ago in high school. I wonder if those who knew me than and continue to know me now would agree. We all grow and undergo certain amounts of change...yet we also remain the same and all have defining characteristics that make us the individuals we are...I'm sure you could ask anyone's family and/or lifelong friends and they would point out the ways in which person X was the same as a child as they are now.

It's likely impossible to know everything about a person...obviously we all have our secrets but beyond that we all are individuals of various layers and sides and we display different aspects of ourselves to different people, in part because the various circumstances in which we interact with others prompt different reactions. It's interesting and in some ways terrifying...but also very rewarding to get to know people better and also to trust in people when you don't know all about them.

Anywho...I want a Mini Cooper.

and cool

The excessive heat of recent weak here in Los Angeles finally seems to be breaking...it's still been in the 80s the past few days but it feels much cooler than it had been...in part due to the strange greyness that has occupied the skies during mornings and also because there's a simple difference between 97 degrees and 84 degrees...especially when the latter invovles a nice breeze.

This break from the heat feels so much more than necessary...it's welcome and makes passing out at nite much easier. Oddly it feels like something more should go along with it...some sense of change in life...yet life remains the same. The only other break of sorts is that I might not get to the City until early August...which would be a break of a month or more from travels for me...and maybe the two go together...even if they feel somewhat contradictory to me. Either way, I could use a break from the heat and some extra time on weekends (as well as a little more energy during the week from not having such epic weekends) for a little while just to organize the house and a few things in life...hopefully leading to more change and positivity.

I will definitely miss the City and all the good people up there during my temporary absence (it's funny how like a month constitutes that for me at this point) but hopefully some down time will lead to more permanency. And, August will be a good month...it always is...celebration plans are coming in the next few weeks.

For now, I'll enjoy the cool down...even if my apartment refuses to cool down due to poor air circulation.

Aural isolation

Since early on in high school, one could often find me roaming the halls of school with headphones on, music filling my ears and taking up all of the aural space I had at the time. The trend continued into college, thru law school, and persists even now as I roam around on my own in various places. I think most everyone knows music is one of my biggest passions in life, even if it's not in the sense of creating it.

Yet sometimes it's nice to not listen to music while roaming about. I was struck by such a mood Sunday evening as I made my way to the airport in San Francisco after a marvelous weekend getting to see a great number of friends and meeting some interesting new people along the way. Earlier in the day I made my way to meet up with my brother and one of his fabulous friends for brunch...music carrying me along the way. I again isolated myself with my mp3 player as I walked from his apartment by City Hall downtown to meet up with a good friend from law school. I was so isolated that I had no clue a gurl in the adidas store asked multiple times if I needed any help with anything. It made for a funny moment once I realized what was going on...typical of the types of exchanges I often share with strangers.

As I made my way back to my place of residence when I visit the City I of course rocked the tunes along the way. But while I was fully prepared to continue the trend as I walked out of my friend's apartment to return home, I felt a desire to not isolate myself. In the end, the use of headphones really does exactly that...it isolates one from the rest of the aural landscape (unless the volume isn't turned up very high at all).

Sometimes it is an interesting experience to simply listens to the sounds of the environment you find yourself in...it adds to the sense of being present in a place, a sign of just how important our sense our to how we experience the world. Not crucial, not even necessary...but definitely capable of adding a layer to the complexity of our world and experience of it (not to say the world is a simpler place without sound).

celebrations...

One needn't always do exactly the same thing...even if it is the usual. Variety is the spice of life...and truth be told it is still possible to be epic without being intense. Epicness isn't about how intense you are, how strong you roll, or anything along those lines...tho they may often share a correlation. Being epic is about just doing what u do to the full extent of doing u.

While this past weekend's trip to the City may not have involved going out as hard as others...it was still an epic weekend...like every weekend north is...the simple fact is, doing something chilled our or hitting the town and "painting it red" as they say...it's all epic in it's own right as the friends and i just do what we do and do it like we do. To me it doesn't need much explanation...we're just an epic group of individuals.

highlights...

• celebrations: a friend's bday and the 4th
• catching an earlier flight into the City
• the silent cab ride [I keep having really interesting cab ride experiences in the City]
  
• 80's nite at Cat Club
• the cramped ride home
• taking in a 4th of July matinee
• new music [Kaskade's Strobelite Seduction]
  
• the Beirut like atmosphere atop the Steiner Street Studios as people set off fireworks
• the gremlin can and Busty Models and just some classic, old skool, quality laughs
• brunches with family and friend
• my first mani-pedi
• fashion show!
• an over-priced hoodie
• playing with Nick's camera [definitely need to get me one]
  
• time at du Soleil with great conversation and the chance to meet new people
• tator-tots
• not eating at Custom Burger
• an early entrance to Mr. Smith's
• a foolish six-step
• yes, i know about poppin' & lockin'
• swift vengeance on sam
• deefs wanting to beat me up for my failure to realize a gurl was trying to get me to dance with her [i've got "inverse game"]
• peanut-butter chocolate chip pancakes - the most physically difficult thing to eat, ever
• strolling across town
• the chance to meet up with friends and i haven't spent as much time with on my many trips
• dancing movies
• mupltiple short naps between each BART stop on the way to the airport
  

change clothes

After hurrying to my car yesterday afternoon, I performed a quick wardrobe change...not wanting to head to the airport and fly up to the City in my work apparel [don't get me wrong, I look fly in such clothing...I make a suit look good]. I drove down through the parking structure located about 2 blocks from office and as I pulled out on to 8th street I could help but notice how different I felt. It wasn't just a matter of being outside the office but much more a matter of having a t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers on.

So comfortable in such "casual" apparel, I found myself renewed with energy and enthusiasm...it was as if I ditched my normal person clothing and put on my superhero outfit and could conquer all in it. It's one of the things that prompts questions in me about how well suited (no pun intended...ha!) I am to this professional world I chose to enter...or more stumble into in part out of concern for security in life.

Yet in pondering such topics, I continue to feel there is a place for me in this world I've become apart of and it is simply a matter of finding my own path to that idyllic place. Either way, I love rocking a t-shirt and jeans...and at the end of the day the feeling of comfort associated with such an outfit is all the better after wearing something more business oriented 5 days of the week.

2 side notes:

1. the above is a pic of my favorite t-shirt...BAPE (expensive as it may be) is awesome. but it was no the t-shirt i changed into...
   
2. no post yesterday as the internet i used to borrow while crashing at my friend's place here in the City is now password protected and thus inaccesible. doh. but, the attempt to post daily continues.
   

let the rhythm move u...

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

I stole this from my brother's blog after seeing it this evening at work. It definitely brought joy to my day and I hope it does the same for u too. Dancing is a passion of mine, be it in the club or on the streets of downtown Ann Arbor back in the day or just a private dance party at home late at nite. It's fun, it's the best form of being active, and it just brings happiness to my life. Much like music, dancing can bring people together...as this video demonstrates.

The thing about dancing is that it really doesn't matter if u are any good at it, as long as u rock out in your own way and with a passion and love for dancing. Everyone has his or her own unique style and that's part of what makes dancing so awesome. My friends have come up with a bit of a game where, when we're out gettin' our dance on, we each do impersonations of each others' dances. We all definitely have signature moves and it's fun to see someone else's take on u, as well as attempt to emulate the awesomeness [or awkwardness] of another.

Dance on Matthew Harding, tho I have no idea who u are, I admire your dance moves and inspirational travels.

also, as it relates to music in the sense that u can't dance without tunes, this post will appear on the music blog too.

excellent

Some talk about getting a workout high. Some don't believe in it, some say it is simply endorphins. Personally, I find getting to the gym, as difficult as it may be at times, is always worth the time down there and most every trip leads to feeling awesome after...even if it's a temporary feeling.

It's funny how sometimes working thru things at the gym is harder than others...it just goes to show how our everyday lives really have an effect on each of us, sometimes limiting what we're capable of and other times giving an extra boost to reach new levels.

Either way, as long as u put forth the effort and push yourself to the extent that u can on any given day, at any given activity...u can walk away with a sense of accomplishment and i'm sure just putting in such an effort, no matter the outcome, will lead to that sense of awesomeness that a workout high or whatever u want to call it provides.

the little things in each day

many things in our lives play bigger roles than we realize. i feel we all tend to overlook a multitude of factors that influence our lives, not due to any ignorance or anything of that nature but more just because it's hard to appreciate all the things that play a role in our worlds. we all overlook things, we all take things for granted. but i think we all try to be appreciative as well.

it is often easy to question the role we each play as individuals in this world. i think one of my insecurities is doing this a little too much. sometimes i'm tempted to just disappear and play as small a role in this world as possible...doing nothing more than is required and simply existing in a reactionary state, as opposed to taking any initiative. it's really just out of curiosity, a bewilderment with what the world might look like and a somewhat selfish desire to see what my impact on it really is...

yet it is often the little things that can make any day. simply catching the elevator, avoiding the usual heavy amounts of traffic on the way to work, simple words from a stranger, a small reminder of your friendship with anyone u are close to, the sun shining...so many things that can alter an outlook, a perspective, an attitude. it makes one pause to think about those things and also attempt to appreciate them [in the sense of understanding them as well as being thankful for them]...there is a lot to notice about the world we live in...

on a lighter side

It seems as tho things in this space took a serious turn as of late and some of it definitely did not focus on the positives. It's important to remember that overall I don't have much to complain about and I am a pretty lucky individual. Either way, I feel a need to shut my brain off in some respects and just be.

Anyway, I spent a good portion of today and yesterday at the coffee bean in the new mall that recently opened a couple blocks from my apartment. I had catching up to do on work stuff [I still do actually...eeeks] and it was funny to be in a coffee bean, reading through cases, taking notes, writing, etc. again. Definitely reminiscent of law school and earlier days.

It amazes me how our senses are so tied to our memories and just the simple re-experiencing of certain things can just take u back to places from years ago and feelings and emotions of the past. It's a little frightening in some respects, but only when you find yourself in a world of feelings and so on from before that you felt moved on from. The important thing is to realize that it's just a flashback of sorts and not an indication that you haven't moved to a new place in life.

So as I sat in the coffee bean tonite, sipping on my English Breakfast Tea Latte [which actually came in a glass mug, not the typcial paper cup...which was a new experience], I found myself taken back to days of law school when I would head up to the coffee bean on Fillmore. Obviously the similar surroundings in terms of decor only increased the sensation...but it was interesting, funny, familiar.

The experience only reinforced something I've discussed with some lately and that is how much life can change in a short period of time. Just under a year ago I started this blog. In that time life has changed dramatically, in terms fo actual life circumstances as well as who I am as an individual. I find it amazing that a year ago I was ready to take certain steps in life and make certain commitments that I feel incapable at this stage of my life.

But as a friend pointed out, while you don't necessarily go into things thinking about making commitments sometimes it is what comes about. To me the point of it all is that you can't really live your life by certain rules and with preconceived notions of how things will or won't turn out. Each experience is new and individual and everything that comes about will depend on a multitude of factors many of which one cannot perceive. While I don't feel capable of making certain commitments right now, maybe once I'm in the right situation I will...the point is you can only know so much in advance. The rest you just let be...

ooooops!

So...after making an official statement of my intention to blog daily I managed to not blog daily. I really didn't intend for that to happen...and it looks as tho I technically missed two days of writing [friday and saturday], but to me it's just the one [friday; I see right now as still saturday nite]. I guess these things happen...no excuses, no attempt at a justification or even explanation: it happened and so it is.

Obviously I'm a little perturbed about it, but I continue on. It's not the end of the world and I just gotta see that I didn't follow thru and try to be better. It's funny because this feels like a lot of self-reflection over something silly and I begin to feel overly critical...but really I'm just trying to explain what's in my head. Oddly, I have definitely made situations worse by attempting to explain...so at this point no explanation is necessary.

In line with self-reflection and the rest of my evening, as I sat and watched Wanted tonite I couldn't help but relate to the main character, at least as who he started out to be. An individual who just floats along in life, letting certain things just pass; one always knowing he will consistently be afraid to take chances and make changes, at least in some areas of life.

Thoughts about the way my life is and how it compares to the fantasy world I find myself living in at times fill my mind these days. My guess is that this is mostly rooted in the fact that I want to and am working to make at least one significant change in my life [yet wonder how it will all work out in the end...it's a bit terrifying to be honest]. Yet I also see some of the continual patterns that we all possess as individuals in a process of learning and growth.

For me, I've often been too afraid to take certain steps. Be it going abroad for a semester during college or law school, approaching one of the silly crushes I've had in life, taking time off between college and law school, or anything else I was too afraid to do...I observe a pattern. I don't think there is anything wrong with the decisions and choices of my life to this point. We all would do some things differently, such an urge is normal.

But I do feel a need to not just float along, a desire to become more proactive as opposed to reactive. I grow frustrated with myself for not taking some of the chances I could. As opposed to this being a self-critical assessment, it really is an attempt at reflecting and growing and improving. We're all far from perfect and we all continue to grow through all out experiences. Sometimes it's good to look at yourself and compare what is to what you want things to be. [see the music blog for a bit on that front]

Anyway...this has become much too serious [tho sometimes I need that]. Anyway, it's difficult to look in the mirror and reflect sometimes for dual reasons: sometimes you just don't want to see what's there and other times you just can see what one could from an objective viewpoint.