solitary.

In a couple of recent conversations I discussed living alone and basically extolled the virtues of it, ever so briefly. Yet this evening I found [and really continue to find] myself feeling rather isolated and almost alone. The feeling of loneliness is one I sometimes encounter but not too often. I feel lucky, blessed, and thankful to know the people I do, to have the family and friends I do, and to possess some semblance of security in those relationships. Yet I sometimes do feel isolated and somewhat lonely at times.

In part the feeling is a natural one to experience...living on one's own is difficult and challenging at times. It's interesting to spend so much time in a space with no others, aside from the faces on the TV and computer screen. At the same time, it's weird to think about sharing space with someone too.

Oddly, part of it tonite can be attributed to the fact that I had to turn my car over to get an issue fixed up. Sadly, it left me feeling kinda stuck in place [one of the feelings Los Angeles instills in a person: a need for a car to do most anything].

In addition, I feel this sense of my own solitariness is informed by words taht came my way today. Without any explanation, I'm sure my thoughts on the words are informed by my own insecurities and just way of thinking yet at the same time I understand the thought behind the words and in fact agree to a great extent.

Finally, part of it all stems from the fact that my foot has long been halfway out the door in this place. A friend's facebook status commented on how easy it is to leave a place when u never really moved into in the first place. I couldn't agree more, yet I have moved into this physical space...even if not Los Angeles more generally. The problem is it's not time to leave and to be honest I wonder just if and when that time will come. The lack of surety of things has definitely prevented me from investing in this place as much as I could and maybe at times should have...and with that comes this sense of a solitary existence in this place, no matter how comfortable my personal space is to me.

I've thought about how some I know tend to consistently feel a need to be moving on to something new and how personally my attitude is sometimes different and more of a understand what you already have and be thankful and grateful for it. Yet here I sit thinking about a need to move on...maybe once I get there it will all settle. Who knows, maybe it's all just a come down from a fun weekend that was definitely exhausting and something that managed to come together without much forethought or trying. On a completely tangential note, it's amazing how much fun can be had when you just let things roll. It's often the unexpected times that result in something terribly enjoyable, something you can't and shouldn't plan for or expect because to do so would just take away from it all, if not prevent it from all coming together. Anyway...

For now, I'm going to go lose myself in the anonymity of a movie and ponder losing myself in music for 12 hours on Saturday.