excellent

Some talk about getting a workout high. Some don't believe in it, some say it is simply endorphins. Personally, I find getting to the gym, as difficult as it may be at times, is always worth the time down there and most every trip leads to feeling awesome after...even if it's a temporary feeling.

It's funny how sometimes working thru things at the gym is harder than others...it just goes to show how our everyday lives really have an effect on each of us, sometimes limiting what we're capable of and other times giving an extra boost to reach new levels.

Either way, as long as u put forth the effort and push yourself to the extent that u can on any given day, at any given activity...u can walk away with a sense of accomplishment and i'm sure just putting in such an effort, no matter the outcome, will lead to that sense of awesomeness that a workout high or whatever u want to call it provides.

the little things in each day

many things in our lives play bigger roles than we realize. i feel we all tend to overlook a multitude of factors that influence our lives, not due to any ignorance or anything of that nature but more just because it's hard to appreciate all the things that play a role in our worlds. we all overlook things, we all take things for granted. but i think we all try to be appreciative as well.

it is often easy to question the role we each play as individuals in this world. i think one of my insecurities is doing this a little too much. sometimes i'm tempted to just disappear and play as small a role in this world as possible...doing nothing more than is required and simply existing in a reactionary state, as opposed to taking any initiative. it's really just out of curiosity, a bewilderment with what the world might look like and a somewhat selfish desire to see what my impact on it really is...

yet it is often the little things that can make any day. simply catching the elevator, avoiding the usual heavy amounts of traffic on the way to work, simple words from a stranger, a small reminder of your friendship with anyone u are close to, the sun shining...so many things that can alter an outlook, a perspective, an attitude. it makes one pause to think about those things and also attempt to appreciate them [in the sense of understanding them as well as being thankful for them]...there is a lot to notice about the world we live in...

on a lighter side

It seems as tho things in this space took a serious turn as of late and some of it definitely did not focus on the positives. It's important to remember that overall I don't have much to complain about and I am a pretty lucky individual. Either way, I feel a need to shut my brain off in some respects and just be.

Anyway, I spent a good portion of today and yesterday at the coffee bean in the new mall that recently opened a couple blocks from my apartment. I had catching up to do on work stuff [I still do actually...eeeks] and it was funny to be in a coffee bean, reading through cases, taking notes, writing, etc. again. Definitely reminiscent of law school and earlier days.

It amazes me how our senses are so tied to our memories and just the simple re-experiencing of certain things can just take u back to places from years ago and feelings and emotions of the past. It's a little frightening in some respects, but only when you find yourself in a world of feelings and so on from before that you felt moved on from. The important thing is to realize that it's just a flashback of sorts and not an indication that you haven't moved to a new place in life.

So as I sat in the coffee bean tonite, sipping on my English Breakfast Tea Latte [which actually came in a glass mug, not the typcial paper cup...which was a new experience], I found myself taken back to days of law school when I would head up to the coffee bean on Fillmore. Obviously the similar surroundings in terms of decor only increased the sensation...but it was interesting, funny, familiar.

The experience only reinforced something I've discussed with some lately and that is how much life can change in a short period of time. Just under a year ago I started this blog. In that time life has changed dramatically, in terms fo actual life circumstances as well as who I am as an individual. I find it amazing that a year ago I was ready to take certain steps in life and make certain commitments that I feel incapable at this stage of my life.

But as a friend pointed out, while you don't necessarily go into things thinking about making commitments sometimes it is what comes about. To me the point of it all is that you can't really live your life by certain rules and with preconceived notions of how things will or won't turn out. Each experience is new and individual and everything that comes about will depend on a multitude of factors many of which one cannot perceive. While I don't feel capable of making certain commitments right now, maybe once I'm in the right situation I will...the point is you can only know so much in advance. The rest you just let be...

ooooops!

So...after making an official statement of my intention to blog daily I managed to not blog daily. I really didn't intend for that to happen...and it looks as tho I technically missed two days of writing [friday and saturday], but to me it's just the one [friday; I see right now as still saturday nite]. I guess these things happen...no excuses, no attempt at a justification or even explanation: it happened and so it is.

Obviously I'm a little perturbed about it, but I continue on. It's not the end of the world and I just gotta see that I didn't follow thru and try to be better. It's funny because this feels like a lot of self-reflection over something silly and I begin to feel overly critical...but really I'm just trying to explain what's in my head. Oddly, I have definitely made situations worse by attempting to explain...so at this point no explanation is necessary.

In line with self-reflection and the rest of my evening, as I sat and watched Wanted tonite I couldn't help but relate to the main character, at least as who he started out to be. An individual who just floats along in life, letting certain things just pass; one always knowing he will consistently be afraid to take chances and make changes, at least in some areas of life.

Thoughts about the way my life is and how it compares to the fantasy world I find myself living in at times fill my mind these days. My guess is that this is mostly rooted in the fact that I want to and am working to make at least one significant change in my life [yet wonder how it will all work out in the end...it's a bit terrifying to be honest]. Yet I also see some of the continual patterns that we all possess as individuals in a process of learning and growth.

For me, I've often been too afraid to take certain steps. Be it going abroad for a semester during college or law school, approaching one of the silly crushes I've had in life, taking time off between college and law school, or anything else I was too afraid to do...I observe a pattern. I don't think there is anything wrong with the decisions and choices of my life to this point. We all would do some things differently, such an urge is normal.

But I do feel a need to not just float along, a desire to become more proactive as opposed to reactive. I grow frustrated with myself for not taking some of the chances I could. As opposed to this being a self-critical assessment, it really is an attempt at reflecting and growing and improving. We're all far from perfect and we all continue to grow through all out experiences. Sometimes it's good to look at yourself and compare what is to what you want things to be. [see the music blog for a bit on that front]

Anyway...this has become much too serious [tho sometimes I need that]. Anyway, it's difficult to look in the mirror and reflect sometimes for dual reasons: sometimes you just don't want to see what's there and other times you just can see what one could from an objective viewpoint.

not a lot

i don't have much to say tonite. i'm kinda experimenting along the line of something my brother has done a couple times and attempting to write daily for an extended period time. the hope is to develop the habit again and maybe even develop some writing skills.

anyway, turns out this will be post #150. it's definitely not a highpoint but rather just something to note. i can look back and see that from july to october of last year i churned out 100 posts...since october i've managed only 50. clearly a decrease...but to be honest i was in need of writing and also surprised i was able to be that consistent early on. obviously one's initial excitement for such a thing wears off...but i was glad that it did last as long as it did.

in my defense, not that one is necessary, but i also started my music blog...which definitely take content away from this space that was previously here. so technically that's around another 20 posts...putting the total since october to 70...much more respectable? haha.

anyway, today's monumental moment came at lunch when i powered thru 8 tacos at La Taquiza...proving all who didn't have faith in me wrong. i will say this: going to the gym after eating 8 tacos for lunch is VERY different from going to the gym and then eating 8 tacos [which might happen tomorrow nite...].

so, without much to say, i make my official attempt to find a consistency in this space.

oddly in and out of place...

Around 5:30 this evening a coworker asked if I was going to this Hastings alumni continue legal education program taking place about a block away from our office. I hadn't previously heard of it but figured why not...it's free and I could use the one hour of credit from it.

As I mingled a little and just interacted with others at the event I felt completely out of place. As the actual panel of speakers began to talk, I sat and wondered if and when I will ever grow up. Will I always think the way I do, find humor in the things I do, act in the manner I do, and generally continue to be goofy and foolish in the ways I am? Being in the environment of other lawyers, many of whom have been practicing law for many years, definitely made me feel young and in some manner of speaking [altho not necessarily a negative one] immature.

Yet I also felt comfortable in interacting with others and engaging in discussion. In that sense I was comfortable...playing the role one would expect of an adult, of a professional...I think it's a tribute to my chameleon like nature [tho I make no claim to being the only one to have multiple facets].

The more general thought and bit of concern is just how much I truly fit in to this world I've placed myself in, because as much as I was able to apparently fit in I also felt that my inner self was too much of a goofy character to really belong. It makes me question the potential for longevity in this field, this circle, this group I put myself into with much hard work. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing what I am really meant to be doing.

The little word jumble above came about from reading a friend's blog earlier tonite. You go to a website and enter text and it uses an algorithm to generate a word jumble, as above. One of the few things of substance I have written is the note I wrote for my journal second year of law school. I decided I would throw the language from that in just to see what came about.

The image fits with tonite's thoughts because I am very comfortable with all the terms in it, in fact I do have a keen interest in and some knowledge of them. And with that it's clear I can find comfort in this legal world. But I often find myself somewhat lost in the legal realm. It could just be that I am longing to find other aspects of it compared to the ones I have experienced over the last year or so now. As I feel oddly out of place I also believe there is a place for me...somewhere [even if some of that hope fades at times].

And with all things in life I feel it is important to find a place of comfort in which u are allowed to simply be yourself [after all, what comfort is there in being someone else?].

chaotic determinism.

As I walked home from the movie theatre late last nite (successfully managing to lose myself and many of my thoughts for the evening) I crossed the street and came upon an odd sight considering it was past midnite: on the sidewalk in front of me I notice a butterfly. The butterfly didn't seem to be doing much of anything and I found it an interesting place for a butterfly to pause and just sit in stillness. I also felt it wasn't the smartest of places, for tho it was past midnite a few wanders still roamed the streets and it would have been all too easy to step on this little butterfly without even noticing its existence.

So I attempted to get the butterfly onto a leaf I found so I could move it...instead the butterfly flapped its wings and moved ever so slightly, somehow flipping on to its back. I proceeded to flip the butterfly back over and then it fluttered away.

As I continued on my short journey home I couldn't help but think about chaos theory and the idea that a butterfly flapping its wings in one part of the world can cause a hurricane in another. It's an interesting theory, one that I admit to knowing very little about. But I wondered what kinda of effect my act of attempting to keep a little butterfly out of harms way could have caused [or will cause]. It's funny and quite honestly difficult to think about the many effects our actions can have upon the world. I think as individuals in a vast world among a multitude of others we tend to perceived these effects on a small level. In part this is because it is simply difficult to see the bigger picture as much of it can go on outside our world of perception. Yet I caused a butterfly to flap its wings...I am responsible for the next hurricane to come along [or one much later on]? Honestly, I don't know if we want the answers to the questions or if we even want them posed in the first place.

The entire concept is even more interesting when placed in the context of a deterministic outlook on the universe. Such a view [in an oversimplified account] sees the world as already determined by the movements of the tiny particles that make it up. You simply apply the laws of physics to those particles and the chain of actions and reactions is already determined, as these particles must obey those principles. Another view could be along the lines that God has determined all already. Either way, the basic premise is that all that has and will happened was long ago determined. A troubling view on the world when considering concepts of responsibility and morals and the like.

Interestingly, it seems as tho the theory fits will with chaos theory: when that butterfly flaps its wings, certain particles are moved in certain ways which continue on to cause other actions and reactions among particles and so on...until you get to the hurricane. The positive would be that you remove the concern about your responsibility for what you perceived to be small, minimal actions resulting in profound consequences. Altho I guess such a determined world would not be chaotic...except as to us and how we cannot see far enough in advance to figure out all the events to come.

Yet both theories leave me with a certain emptiness. With determinism the emptiness is obvious: the lack of responsibility for our acts is fundamentally unsettling and what I will simply call lame. As for chaos, while I believe in the idea that small acts can lead to great events and that you never really know what just might happen based on something so small...I guess the personal reaction is that while all of that may be true we are also capable of seeing the consequences and taking action to prevent or remedy them. Sometimes you can see what a small act will bring about or is beginning to bring about and you can act to prevent it or alter the outcome. I don't think this idea is inconsistent with chaos theory...and maybe I just don't know enough about what I'm rambling/thinking about...

Either way, the ideas of a deterministic or simply chaotic world are simply no fun to me. But here's a funny idea...