laying in bed a few days before coming back to san francisco from Ann Arbor, i found myself restless and overly contemplative. it reminded me of the many nites before making the decision to leave LA where i stayed up well beyond late for no reason at all...i simply lacked any desire to sleep. finding myself laying awake like that after moving was somewhat unsettling but also made sense in more ways than one.
a few days later i was at the airport, sad to be leaving home and saying bye to my parents yet also looking forward to getting back to my other home here in san francisco. i ended up giving up my seat on my flight for what eventually turned out to be a $400 travel voucher as well as a free upgrade to first class on a flight later that evening. i was walking around the airport with the biggest, dumbest smile on my face when i realized i needed to walk around with a goofy smile more often because [aside from the awesome bonuses of a $400 travel voucher and free first class] there is much to be thankful for and happy about in life. why focus on the negatives when there are plenty of great positives? and why have i been doing so lately? i mean, the delicious burger i had for lunch was reason enough to consider the day a win, forget the travel perks. i felt that i wasn't being myself by finding negativity and worry and frankly some grouchiness in life.
yet it's been a struggle to get back to doing me even after the move back to the 'sco this past fall. even after enjoying a great flight in first class i found myself somewhat lost a few days later. and even as i write this i find myself taking myself too seriously. but i think that's one of the functions of this blog: it's a place to focus in that manner and hopefully work through some things.
i think one of the realizations of the past couple weeks is that i'm ready for more in life...at least on some fronts. i'm ready to really redefine myself and while that desire at first comes as one with the hopes of possibly showing the better side of myself to those around me, it's actually more of something i need to do for myself and not anyone else. it's just a personal desire to consistently improve and grow...so i can hopefully do more for those i care about and who are important to me. i came across someone discussing a quote to the effect that other peoples' opinions of you are none of your business [i think it was on the quotes/trivia section of Rachel Bilson's imdb page...very random]. my first inclination is to point out that the opinions of those close to you and who know you are very important and very much your business. but, as i've learned through experiences and discussions with many, u can't really be someone for anyone else...u can only be the person u are for yourself. u can only do u.
this leads somewhat naturally into my next topic of thought: people. people amuse me and more importantly confuse me. i think we need more honesty in interacting with others. not necessarily in a blunt or rude fashion. but in a polite, truthful. non-misleading sense. we shouldn't be afraid to be honest with people, i guess...not that i'm not guilty of being afraid to tell people things. but some of the things people say and do just make no sense to me...yet i'm realizing that things don't have to make sense, not all of the time. everyone is an individual; an individual that is the result of endless circumstances and influence and experiences. at times all u can do is just let it be what it is...
yet it does lead to some situations where i'm left wondering just what to do...what's the appropriate course of action or way of handling things...and i find myself regressing to some silly behavior and emotions that don't help the situation at all. and this is what really ties into the point i reached earlier: all u can do is be you, do you...and let what happens happen. people either get u or they don't...obviously it's important to try to be the best version of u that u are capable of being, but if u do that...well, there's nothing left to do beyond just that. what people will think of u and how they will react is something u cannot control or really worry too much about, as long as u're doing what's right.
so back to being ready for more...at first i felt like i wanted more. it was almost a feeling of loneliness. but it's clear now that after spending the past 3 plus years feeling incapable of committing to something substantial [be it in personal relationships or even more on the work front], i really am ready for something of substance. you can't go looking for it tho...and many say it's when u least expect things that they happen [and that's rung true on multiple occasions for me]. but it's different feeling a little more prepared for [or possibly open to] the right thing coming along and something serious or substantial coming of it. it's a different perspective.
and i think what all this overthought of late relates to is the question of just what am i going to do with my life and exactly what am i ready for. big, terrifying questions. i think the root any discontent of late is related to the more general confusion and apprehension about life's many mysteries. but u can't question it too much...and for now i'm going to try to enjoy the ride and figure out the some of the smaller things...that and go absorb myself in some music.
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before calling it a nite on the rambling front, i think it's interesting how much we assume to know people or judge people. i'm definitely guilty of it and can think of a pretty recent instance of being this way about someone. and i'm annoyed with myself for it. as i indicated earlier, people are a result of so many different factors and are so layered as individuals. what may not make sense to me or may not be right for me is not necessarily bad or wrong...it just is. we're each on a path in life, some of our paths cross and overlap for extended periods and sometimes neither of those things happens. i like to think we meet the people we do for a reason, sometimes significant and other times not. oddly, u often don't know what role a person will play in your life until later on. but it's interesting to meet the people we do and i think it's important to not brush anyone off as irrelevant or something negative. i'm struggling to articulate what i'm saying, so i'll stop for now.
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