altered perspective

I had a life-changing experience tonite.

That is a much grander claim than it sounds...mainly because of how the phrase is commonly used. Yet at the same time it's a true statement.

Another monday nite, another monday nite dinner with Jeremy...always a good time full of goofy antics and inane trivialities. We headed to Los Feliz Village to eat at a place I've longed to checkout, simply based on walking by on many a Sunday afternoon and seeing tables full of people outside in what I could only perceive as ajoyful, blissful existence [in stark contrast to the Sunday doldrums I am often afflicted with as the start of another week looms.

Knowing nothing about the place aside from appearances, for some reason I longed to check it out...maybe to find some of that joy and bliss. And that we did. The food was really great [we're yet to go astray on our monday nite quests for delisciousness...but this was towards the top of our list], the ambience and atmosphere were simply amazing: a perfect evening with a temperature around 74 degress, clear skies, and wonderful outdoor seating.

For whatever reason I found the sense of complete and utter contentment I've written about in this very space before. While that makes me sound like an often depressed sad sap, that is far from the truth. I enjoy much of life, from the simply and the mundane to the more epic times with my epic friends...to quality time with family [a big part of the last week...and something I needed and am grateful for]. Yet there are moments...extended moments...where I find myself not quite manic but just in a state that must be something nearing nirvana.

As I find myself in these time a part of me has a bit of a panic attack, thinking that I'm doomed to fall and find a phase of disillusionment. In part it stems from my theory of emotional homeostasis and the fact that no matter what the difficulty I find myself spending at least part of the down time happy and balancing the negativity out. Another part of it simply relates to a lack of faith...a faith in a grander thing, a faith that one can just float along and have everything be ok...yet the faith concern I realize is entirely normal. Faith isn't about a blind belief where one never questions or worries...rather one believes in the best and do so even with or inspite of concerns. And so I found myself believing as I drove home for the evening.

So tonite changed my life...at least for the evening and on some subtle level more permanently. Sometimes it only takes a small alteration to result in a big difference.

**********

The post script to this evening was the hostess at the restaurant. I simply fell in love with her...in part from the moment I laid eyes on her and more so from the simply and fleeting interactions we had with her as she brought us to our table and also refilled out water glasses on ocassion.

In typical fashion I fell for her on the drop of dime and for no good reason beyond some silly, hopelessly romantic, goofy, idealistic, intuitive feeling...and as with the other times this has happened it's a funny way of saying you fall in love with someone...as my days will [unfortunately] go by without her and I'll continue on whatever goofy path I'm on in life.

But still, it was refreshing...she was truly refreshing.


* foto by my brother

where?

I wonder on a pretty daily basis where my urge, desire, need to blog has gone...because it sure feels lost. *sigh*. To me it seems like an indicator...of something less than positive. I find myself dwelling ins useless and fruitless activities...spending my time in non-beneficial ways at times.

Obviously I've done a lot of positive stuff as well, like spending time with family and friends here in LA more than I normally do. Yet I also end up just wasting some of my spare and precious time...not even doing nothing [sometimes u just need to do nothing, it's necessary and positive on occasion] but rather being either counter-productive or just wasteful with my time.

Being an adult is weird and difficult...a constant level of responsibility is a bit tiring and exhausting. It takes more than its fair share of adjusting. Alas...we do all have to grow up...but I hope to maintain my inner child at the same time. But I do need to manage time and just everything generally better I guess...fun. Uggggghhhhhh

Well...I should do some work, a little cleaning...and so on. Busy week ahead of me and I'm really looking forward to the weekend...hopefully the week will go by quickly.

people.

I'm taking a break from my day of work, in part because I'm not getting much done and would rather write during this period of futility...

It's a weird Monday today...hard to explain but I'm sure people around me can tell. In part I am simply tired and out of it. At the same time my mind is also elsewhere and I in many ways desire to be elsewhere myself. The weekend provided a multitude of things to think about and reasons to wonder...especially about people. Not any people in particular but in a more general sense.

There are a pretty small number of people I would say I know really, really, really well. My definition of "really, really, really well" is knowing someone to the point where you can easily and accurately predict their behavior, likes, dislikes, etc. For example, as I sat reading in a cafe yesterday I turned to my friend and said to him: "She's the type of lady I see you settling down with one day." He responded something like: "If you asked me, I would have told you the same thing." He is one of the handful or so of people I feel I know that much about and am that close to.

My problem is that I sometimes don't realize how short that list is in reality. It's not unfortunate to have a short list for such people, in my opinion you can only have a short list [altho I'm sure I know a much larger number of people to do a pretty decent job and predicting their reactions to various things and so on]. The list is, in the end, my core group of closest friends and family. My tendency is to be trusting with people and accept things at face value. [As if often the case on my blog I am not doing a good job explaining this particular thought.]

Yet at times in interacting with people the fact that I only know a certain amount of information about them reveals itself. It's not a bad thing for the most part and I'm sure it's a two-way street. In the end people are just interesting. Their words and actions are interesting. Their motivations are interesting. Sometimes things are as simple as they seem but at other times it's more complicated. It's just funny when you come across a disconnect between what you do know about the person [and thus your expectations of said person] and how the person responds/reacts [or possibly who the person really is as a person].

I'm not sure exactly why this is a topic I'm thinking about. Some of it is motivated by interactions with people I know over the weekend. Part of it is just my simple nature, I really enjoy people watching and this all kind of follows along with that. The flipside of all of this is that there are times when you don't think your know someone as well as you actually do.

So...in reality I have been jumping back and forth between rambling and working...not a good way to maintain a train of thought [but a way to give my mind brief respites from working/thinking]. People are funny and it's funny the various roles they play in our lives and that we play in theirs. You can try all you want but in the end it seems like a lot of that [the roles played] just comes about on its own and is something that can't be forced...no matter how much you want to play a certain role in someone else's life or have someone as a certain role in your life. You to play certain roles and know people based on the roles they play in your life and all of this has an effect on how well you end up knowing someone...whether you really, really, really know them or just really know them.

As is often the case...this has become incoherent babbling on my part [I really believe it started out strong tho...at least with some promise].

spare keys

I took an extra day and added it to my weekend for the past few days and just enjoyed a somewhat more relaxing time up north with friends. Somewhat different than the more common epic weekends we've had...but still equally enjoyable, meaningful, and important. I won't write much more beyond the highlight list...but for a few different reasons the weekend provided lots to think about and ponder. What's new there tho?

highlights...

• movie nite with the boys [88 Minutes is not a movie u need to see]
• Tic-Toc Doc
  
• spare keys [and the ability to come and go that came with]
• lunch with a friend i don't see as often
• bootleg pinkberry...all good except for the stale Cap'n Crunch
• gyming up
• 3 grassfed hamburgers...and the 3 different cheeses
• Los: "I'd take her out to lunch and kiss her"
• crashing out
  
• golf with rental clubs...well played Sam Song, well played
• time at du Soliel
• rooftop beer and conversation
• Los: "It was like 11:30 or 10:00."
  
• the almost inexplicable contentment of the view
• thuggish nite
• typical Lou not know what to do
• "T.I.!!!!!!" & "Whatever You Like!!!!!" & the fact that is worked
• "Hood Figga" on twice
• Los: "Yea, let's go to Safeway. How often are u in town?"
• doorbell ditching and singing & rapping all the way
• Los' fried chicken soulmate
• Grover & Milo - great names for great cars that will be great friends
• two visits to du Soleil in one day
  
• catching up
• late nite burrito & tacos

Alright...it's definitely time for sleep and rest...which really means just lying in bed for a bit, thinking, and then passing out.

knocking

It's been a confusing and somewhat topsy-turvy day to be honest. I absolutely love blogging and enjoy writing openly and honestly in this space but at times what's on my mind just doesn't seem like something appropriate to write about at all or in a straightforward manner. The feeling of a need to censor myself makes me think i should just write in my journal...an exercise overlooked for many, many months now [in part because of this space but just as much due to an unfortunate laziness and simple oddness I have when it comes to journals]. All that said, I think much of what I express here in less than honest terms is stuff those who know me already know about...and they easily understand what I'm getting at. Anywho...on to tonite's thoughts...

An opportunity of sorts presented itself today. It was one that I thought was already closed and gone but for a reason I do not know the opportunity is back. I go back and forth between feeling overly excited and trying to clam myself and prepare for the possibility that nothing will come of this opportunity. I remember this position all too well from a time in my life where I went through it over and over again for a period of about 10 months. I hope to make the best of what has presented itself and I'm thankful for it, whatever the end result. My emotions bounced around as the day progressed and I definitely found myself caught up at times.

Obviously only so much is in my control...so all I can do is my best on that area...the rest will take care of itself and sort itself out and no matter the outcome life will continue and I will adjust accordingly [I continue to firmly believe that people are much more resilient than they often realize and that our ability to get thru life's hardships is a reflection of this...we adapt to changed circumstances and find ways to continue on and find happiness under circumstances we thought would rob us of our happiness and being...but that's a tangent].

The more important realization of the day came as I pushed my cart the insisted upon consistently veering right to my car as I left Costco this evening. I thought about today's news and the handful or so of people I shared it with and their reactions. Their support, enthusiasm, well wishes, and general reactions are reminders of how lucky I am in life to know the people I do and be able to call them friends. It also makes being as far away from them as I am a bummer...but still. So that's the lesson I take from this opportunity...whatever it is exactly [I honestly don't know all the details yet]. Whether it works out or not it's already provided a renewed sense of hope and anticipation and served as a reminder of the positives...and just maybe I'll stop ghhhhhhhuhhhhhing so much...haha.


notes:
I feel like I'm losing whatever semblance of a voice as a writer I used to have...as if I'm forcing the last couple entries and over thinking the potential audience for this blog [limited as it may be...haha]. I also fear it's in part due to the type of writing work requires...ghhhhhhuhhhhhhh

ghhhhhhhhhuhhhhh

The inconsistent writing on my blog is gnawing at me in a very annoying manner [i guess anything the gnaws is annoying...and don't even get me started on the failure to write on the music blog in well over a month]...but i struggle to get myself to do anything about it. If you could hear me right now, you'd hear me making the sound i tried to spell out with tonite's title. It's a sound i find myself making all too often these days [funnily, it's a sound Jeremy thought was an indication of something seriously wrong with my health...or just me being really gassy...hahaha...if you ever read this Jeremy, I love you for the hilarious laughter you bring to my life]...and it's a sound rooted in utter disgruntlement and just a sort of frustration and feeling of defeat.

i'm coming to realize that it stems from burnout. It's time for an extended vacation [or grander life change]...but one doesn't seem imminent. Well, i simply don't have much vacation time saved up [maybe like 4 days now] and change doesn't seem to be acomin'. The lack of anything coming soon compounds the burnout...and leads to the ghhhhhhuhhhhh sound effect.

But in sitting here and writing a bit [and then deleting a bit...and then writing a bit more] it actually brings me some sense of peace to realize it's related to being burned out...as opposed to actually feeling truly defeated. It's an added sense of perspective, a dose of which will hopefully help in finding a renewed sense of energy and patience. Afterall, the burnout relates to just one aspect of life...anywho, i'm struggling to keep my eyes open and need to get up early and figure out car insurance stuff tomorrow...hopefully my new ride will be here soon.

utter disillusionment

A coworker and I discussed some politics during lunch today and he expressed his astonishment that the election is even a contest after McCain's running mate selection. For some dumb reason I have the Republican convention on as I sit here at home. Being the Demograt I am it's obviously frustrating to hear the things Rudy Giuliani is spouting off as I sit and type [it's what inspired me to write]. I could easily go on for days about problems with the Republican party and also Rudy Giuliani and that's with an extremely limited knowledge of things.

But what really is driving me right now is the overall political situation these days. Watching one side just go on and on and essentially poke fun and and dis the other side is frankly pathetic and unseemly. It's not what politics should be about...and it simply reinforces that no one is listening...at least no one is listening to anyone who isn't saying exactly what they want to hear.

Parties talk past one another and just do all they can to placate constituencies that are so focused on their views and beliefs that all one can do is appeal to exactly those views and not actually engage in conversation and debate. There is so much wrong in politics, on both sides of the party lines, that it frankly leads to a sense of total and complete disillusionment at times. When was the last time you had a conversation with someone who disagreed with you about an issue and you actually convinced them of something? When was the last time someone convinced you?

What's worse is how people just buy into these overarching and ridiculous statements. Just as an example, Giuliani goes on and on about Obama's lack of experience and then tries to argue how Palin has so much...he of course has to qualify it with "executive" which is at the same time intended to make her sound that much mor eimpressive. But she's served, for a short period of time, as the governor of Alaska...not necessarily the state with the most going on [not intended to be a putdown on the state at all].

Blind allegiances annoy the hell out of me and it often seems they are at an all time high. An inability to hear the views of others and consider them is one of the worst shortcomings one could possess. Life is about compromise, give and take, listening...and I fear there is far too little of it these days.

Well, I'm off to hear what Palin has to say...more propoganda [as that is what politics boils down to these days] I'm sure...