i just deleted an attempt at a post. in so doing, i noticed a handful of other draft posts on this blog that i never completed or couldn't ever get myself to complete/post. it's funny that only in rather introspective times do i feel like i can write anything of much merit on this blog. my guess is that such a feeling is erroneous but whenever i try to post other thoughts or observations i feel a funny sense of triviality to any contribution i might make to the world.
anyway, i find myself thinking a bit more these days. thinking about a variety of things and wondering what it really takes to figure out life. i think i need this time of just getting by and wandering a bit...but i am also realizing i need to begin to take some more proactive steps towards some concreteness (i guess that's the word to use). funny thing about this world is how it grows more and more specialized and focused...thus requiring more and more precise experience to really get to any job. it feels harder and harder to start to get to that concreteness i guess. i'm not sure what i'm rambling about right now and i'm not sure where my head is really at...which i think is kinda what bothers me.
the things i find myself thinking about are actually rather confusing to me. in talking about one of these topics with a close friend today, she pointed out that life is just confusing sometimes. it was how i opened the conversation and i found amusement in the fact that it was kinda her concluding point too. but she was right...and sometimes all u can do is try to make your way thru the confusion until u can figure things out or things sort themselves out.
i guess the overarching question is whether or not it's a bad thing or dangerous to just simply enjoy life and it's experiences without necessarily building towards something grander (or, on some level, really sorting out all the confusion). i'm simply enjoying the life i'm leading these days but i can't say it's building towards some future of a prolific or extended career in anything; i can't say i'm saving or working towards buying a house or starting a family or anything along those lines...things generations past would likely be far ahead of me on at this time in life. but is that how it works now? should it be? was it really how it worked then and did it have to be that way?
too many questions, too few answers. too much thinking and too much thinking in overly grand terms.
it's time to push tonite's load of laundry on to my chair to be folded tomorrow, balance out the day with some music, and pass out. u may have won this round tuesday...but tomorrow is wednesday.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
individualism.
In life, we encounter situations where we need advice with respect to our interactions with other people, be it boyfriends/girlfriends, love interests, friends, family, roommates, coworkers, and so on. I've often asked for advice; I've often been asked for advice. Time and time again, the conclusion I tend to reach is that everyone is different: we're all our own individuals.
I guess the situation is a bit different when you know the person asked about...but even then it's easy to see that the way I or any of my friends might do something or handle a situation is not necessarily the same as the person in question. What people think is the right course of action, what people expect, what people want...even the way people perceive things is highly individualized. I think the fact that we're all our own individuals is reflected in the fact that when seeking out the advice of others you come across a variety of opinions, ideas, and thoughts.
I was talking about this with my friend Lisa today and she pointed out what was kind of the missing step for me in my thought process and reflection on the whole matter: it's comforting to hear the various opinions of others. On top of that, I think we tend to seek out the ideas, opinions, suggestions, beliefs, or whatever of people that are reassuring. As much as sometimes you need to hear what might be the bitter truth about a situation, sometimes you also just need to hear something hopeful or maybe hear what u want to hear.
But I guess as much as individuality exists, we are also influenced by one another and our various experiences in life. I mean, our individuality is really made of a number of things outside of us as individuals...if that makes any kind of sense. We learn from and through each other...and also define who we are in the process.
In the end, it's just funny to me when I'm asked for advice about some things, because I feel like people differ in how they handle things...and I often feel like I approach things in a way different [tho likely not (any) better] than others. And it's funny to ask for advice and get the various qualifiers and disclaimers. But I think we tend to get what it is that we need or that helps us handle and understand each situation...whether it's actually right or wrong.
So I guess I'd like to end this long overdue, typically random rambling by thanking all those who have given me advice over the years...and hopefully I've returned the favor or given someone some decent advice along the way.
I guess the situation is a bit different when you know the person asked about...but even then it's easy to see that the way I or any of my friends might do something or handle a situation is not necessarily the same as the person in question. What people think is the right course of action, what people expect, what people want...even the way people perceive things is highly individualized. I think the fact that we're all our own individuals is reflected in the fact that when seeking out the advice of others you come across a variety of opinions, ideas, and thoughts.
I was talking about this with my friend Lisa today and she pointed out what was kind of the missing step for me in my thought process and reflection on the whole matter: it's comforting to hear the various opinions of others. On top of that, I think we tend to seek out the ideas, opinions, suggestions, beliefs, or whatever of people that are reassuring. As much as sometimes you need to hear what might be the bitter truth about a situation, sometimes you also just need to hear something hopeful or maybe hear what u want to hear.
But I guess as much as individuality exists, we are also influenced by one another and our various experiences in life. I mean, our individuality is really made of a number of things outside of us as individuals...if that makes any kind of sense. We learn from and through each other...and also define who we are in the process.
In the end, it's just funny to me when I'm asked for advice about some things, because I feel like people differ in how they handle things...and I often feel like I approach things in a way different [tho likely not (any) better] than others. And it's funny to ask for advice and get the various qualifiers and disclaimers. But I think we tend to get what it is that we need or that helps us handle and understand each situation...whether it's actually right or wrong.
So I guess I'd like to end this long overdue, typically random rambling by thanking all those who have given me advice over the years...and hopefully I've returned the favor or given someone some decent advice along the way.
Monday, May 31, 2010
hello again...
Ha...it's been a long time. I think this is probably the longest absence from personal blogging since I started this foolish endeavor. I spent a few minutes the other day looking back at some old posts on here and was left with the feeling that my writing really seemed somewhat self-important. Maybe that's just what blogging of this nature is about, it really is like an open journal. At the very lest, I can admit that some of the writing on this space included topics and feelings I should have kept to myself...but oh well. Even so, as with other times, looking back at what I write tends to make me feel somewhat foolish. Haha.
And so, faced with this grand absence and odd feeling, I'm left with the question of where does this blog go from here?
I considered shutting this thing down completely. My food blog is the primary place for my writing these days, aside from my journal. The music blog is also getting severely neglected. And to be honest, it's a bit terrifying [if not sometimes embarrassing] to be as open here as I am at times. But even with these considerations, I don't want to close this space.
Somewhat ironically, I started working on this post in the middle of a long weekend, one in which I made a road trip back to Los Angeles, the place where I did most of my writing on this blog. And so my plan is to return to this blog with a combination post of me rambling about my life while also providing one of the many weekend updates I used to provide from my weekend jaunts to the City. On to my ramblings...
I'm tired. I spend too much time and energy thinking about something I can't really do much about. Working 10+ hour days reviewing documents is tiring in its own way, but the amount of energy that goes into the thinking I'm doing on top of it leads me to come home and collapse some days...with epic naps ensuing. I'm sure this sounds stupid, but things weighing on the mind can be exhausting because I tend to devote a lot of energy to the thinking and feelings associated with it.
I think part of the problem is that I've lacked a chance to just decompress and work through some of the thoughts and emotions. When I lived in LA I used to just completely shut down and stay home when I needed it. I'd veg out, eat, sleep, do whatever I really needed to get right...living in SF with so many friends and such great roommates it's a lot easier to keep busy and occupy my time. This is a total blessing and I am in no way complaining about it. I feel so lucky to have the friends I do and I'm so happy I'm living with and near so many of them. But I do realize that sometimes we all need a little time to ourselves. The ability to spend time on my own and be very comfortable with it was probably the greatest lesson I learned during my second stint in Los Angeles. What I'm learning now is that not only do I need to be capable of spending time in that way, it's something I need to do at times. Ironically, a road trip back down to LA provided me with the time and space I really needed to decompress a bit and hopefully start to get past some of what weighed my mind down recently.
Speaking of Los Angeles and irony, I continue to find something appealing about the place. I feel the city is like some of the women who have been a part of my life in one way or another: it's something I'm drawn to and really enjoy but at the end of the day isn't right for me. I'm sure that sounds bad but it's really just a simple case of two things not fitting together properly and is not a shot at Los Angeles or any woman who has played any role in my life. It's more a shot at me and my inability to really figure myself and my life out.
anyway, the traditional list of weekend highlights...
And so, faced with this grand absence and odd feeling, I'm left with the question of where does this blog go from here?
I considered shutting this thing down completely. My food blog is the primary place for my writing these days, aside from my journal. The music blog is also getting severely neglected. And to be honest, it's a bit terrifying [if not sometimes embarrassing] to be as open here as I am at times. But even with these considerations, I don't want to close this space.
Somewhat ironically, I started working on this post in the middle of a long weekend, one in which I made a road trip back to Los Angeles, the place where I did most of my writing on this blog. And so my plan is to return to this blog with a combination post of me rambling about my life while also providing one of the many weekend updates I used to provide from my weekend jaunts to the City. On to my ramblings...
I'm tired. I spend too much time and energy thinking about something I can't really do much about. Working 10+ hour days reviewing documents is tiring in its own way, but the amount of energy that goes into the thinking I'm doing on top of it leads me to come home and collapse some days...with epic naps ensuing. I'm sure this sounds stupid, but things weighing on the mind can be exhausting because I tend to devote a lot of energy to the thinking and feelings associated with it.
I think part of the problem is that I've lacked a chance to just decompress and work through some of the thoughts and emotions. When I lived in LA I used to just completely shut down and stay home when I needed it. I'd veg out, eat, sleep, do whatever I really needed to get right...living in SF with so many friends and such great roommates it's a lot easier to keep busy and occupy my time. This is a total blessing and I am in no way complaining about it. I feel so lucky to have the friends I do and I'm so happy I'm living with and near so many of them. But I do realize that sometimes we all need a little time to ourselves. The ability to spend time on my own and be very comfortable with it was probably the greatest lesson I learned during my second stint in Los Angeles. What I'm learning now is that not only do I need to be capable of spending time in that way, it's something I need to do at times. Ironically, a road trip back down to LA provided me with the time and space I really needed to decompress a bit and hopefully start to get past some of what weighed my mind down recently.
Speaking of Los Angeles and irony, I continue to find something appealing about the place. I feel the city is like some of the women who have been a part of my life in one way or another: it's something I'm drawn to and really enjoy but at the end of the day isn't right for me. I'm sure that sounds bad but it's really just a simple case of two things not fitting together properly and is not a shot at Los Angeles or any woman who has played any role in my life. It's more a shot at me and my inability to really figure myself and my life out.
anyway, the traditional list of weekend highlights...
- cutting out of work early
- the King of Thai prediction
- Rockit Room and Hastings friends
- Ed & Ed
- picking songs on the jukebox
- free Jose Cuervo shots & shot glasses
- the reserved sign
- King of Thai late nite leftovers
- going back to Rockit to close Ed's tab
- I Love You, Man
- sleeping in
- catching some of the highlights of what I was missing at work on Saturday
- USA soccer
- perfect weather in SF
- sitting outside du soleil
- eating tomato on my sandwich for the first time
- a beer with friends at du soleil
- the funny parking wait near AT&T park
- going to a Giants game with friends
- going to a Giants game for free
- going to a Giants game and upgrading our seats for free
- going to a baseball game and eating a hot dog
- red velvet cupcakes with no frosting
- eating a bacon wrapped hot dog after eating a hot dog at the Giants game
- the drive to LA
- McDonald's road trip food
- Audrey & Ken's wedding [congrats!]
- getting a full nite's sleep
- the triumphant return to La Taquiza and the new 10 taco record
- meeting up with old friends on the way out of town
- company via phone during the road trip back to the 'Sco
- some more King of Thai
- time to decompress on the road
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
opportunities and going back in time...
i'm not going to lie, i've often wanted to go back in time and change certain things. that's in direct contradiction to many things i've written on this blog...but just because i at times wish for things doesn't mean i actually would if i could...altho maybe i would. my point is more that i think any sense of regret or any desire to go back is out of a feeling that an opportunity was missed.
obviously, u cannot know what is to come at the time of any encounter or experience. no one says foresight is 20/20 and people say things happen for a reason. part of life is the figuring out the reason and learning through hindsight. yet sometimes i think back on choices and decisions i made, actions i took and wonder about the multitude of different outcomes...it's natural to wonder what a different course of action would have lead to if taken.
it's important to not get caught up thinking about whether u're wasting an opportunity...else it's all too easy to get frozen, so to speak. i'm a firm believer that all a person can do is try their best. while there are of course caveats and exceptions, i think it's a general proposition that rings true. personally, that's all i think i could ever ask of a person [well, not really ask...but hopefully u get what i'm saying.
anyway, writing last nite was definitely a therapeutic process...it definitely helped with some of what was on my mind in the past few days. the question of what i'm going to do with myself and the more pressing matter of finding a job are still looming and rightfully so. hopefully i can deal with them in a better manner as time passes and hopefully i can actually do something about both. obviously i wonder about the opportunities that await me...and i wonder what i'll do with them and also what opportunities will present themselves. and while some thing u must go out and make things happen, i think there's also some amount that is outside our control...but that's no excuse for not being prepared for what the future may hold.
obviously, u cannot know what is to come at the time of any encounter or experience. no one says foresight is 20/20 and people say things happen for a reason. part of life is the figuring out the reason and learning through hindsight. yet sometimes i think back on choices and decisions i made, actions i took and wonder about the multitude of different outcomes...it's natural to wonder what a different course of action would have lead to if taken.
it's important to not get caught up thinking about whether u're wasting an opportunity...else it's all too easy to get frozen, so to speak. i'm a firm believer that all a person can do is try their best. while there are of course caveats and exceptions, i think it's a general proposition that rings true. personally, that's all i think i could ever ask of a person [well, not really ask...but hopefully u get what i'm saying.
anyway, writing last nite was definitely a therapeutic process...it definitely helped with some of what was on my mind in the past few days. the question of what i'm going to do with myself and the more pressing matter of finding a job are still looming and rightfully so. hopefully i can deal with them in a better manner as time passes and hopefully i can actually do something about both. obviously i wonder about the opportunities that await me...and i wonder what i'll do with them and also what opportunities will present themselves. and while some thing u must go out and make things happen, i think there's also some amount that is outside our control...but that's no excuse for not being prepared for what the future may hold.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
re:definition
i find myself doing more thinking than i'd like lately. don't get me wrong, thinking is generally a good thing...i guess it's more what i think about and where it leads me.
laying in bed a few days before coming back to san francisco from Ann Arbor, i found myself restless and overly contemplative. it reminded me of the many nites before making the decision to leave LA where i stayed up well beyond late for no reason at all...i simply lacked any desire to sleep. finding myself laying awake like that after moving was somewhat unsettling but also made sense in more ways than one.
a few days later i was at the airport, sad to be leaving home and saying bye to my parents yet also looking forward to getting back to my other home here in san francisco. i ended up giving up my seat on my flight for what eventually turned out to be a $400 travel voucher as well as a free upgrade to first class on a flight later that evening. i was walking around the airport with the biggest, dumbest smile on my face when i realized i needed to walk around with a goofy smile more often because [aside from the awesome bonuses of a $400 travel voucher and free first class] there is much to be thankful for and happy about in life. why focus on the negatives when there are plenty of great positives? and why have i been doing so lately? i mean, the delicious burger i had for lunch was reason enough to consider the day a win, forget the travel perks. i felt that i wasn't being myself by finding negativity and worry and frankly some grouchiness in life.
yet it's been a struggle to get back to doing me even after the move back to the 'sco this past fall. even after enjoying a great flight in first class i found myself somewhat lost a few days later. and even as i write this i find myself taking myself too seriously. but i think that's one of the functions of this blog: it's a place to focus in that manner and hopefully work through some things.
i think one of the realizations of the past couple weeks is that i'm ready for more in life...at least on some fronts. i'm ready to really redefine myself and while that desire at first comes as one with the hopes of possibly showing the better side of myself to those around me, it's actually more of something i need to do for myself and not anyone else. it's just a personal desire to consistently improve and grow...so i can hopefully do more for those i care about and who are important to me. i came across someone discussing a quote to the effect that other peoples' opinions of you are none of your business [i think it was on the quotes/trivia section of Rachel Bilson's imdb page...very random]. my first inclination is to point out that the opinions of those close to you and who know you are very important and very much your business. but, as i've learned through experiences and discussions with many, u can't really be someone for anyone else...u can only be the person u are for yourself. u can only do u.
this leads somewhat naturally into my next topic of thought: people. people amuse me and more importantly confuse me. i think we need more honesty in interacting with others. not necessarily in a blunt or rude fashion. but in a polite, truthful. non-misleading sense. we shouldn't be afraid to be honest with people, i guess...not that i'm not guilty of being afraid to tell people things. but some of the things people say and do just make no sense to me...yet i'm realizing that things don't have to make sense, not all of the time. everyone is an individual; an individual that is the result of endless circumstances and influence and experiences. at times all u can do is just let it be what it is...
yet it does lead to some situations where i'm left wondering just what to do...what's the appropriate course of action or way of handling things...and i find myself regressing to some silly behavior and emotions that don't help the situation at all. and this is what really ties into the point i reached earlier: all u can do is be you, do you...and let what happens happen. people either get u or they don't...obviously it's important to try to be the best version of u that u are capable of being, but if u do that...well, there's nothing left to do beyond just that. what people will think of u and how they will react is something u cannot control or really worry too much about, as long as u're doing what's right.
so back to being ready for more...at first i felt like i wanted more. it was almost a feeling of loneliness. but it's clear now that after spending the past 3 plus years feeling incapable of committing to something substantial [be it in personal relationships or even more on the work front], i really am ready for something of substance. you can't go looking for it tho...and many say it's when u least expect things that they happen [and that's rung true on multiple occasions for me]. but it's different feeling a little more prepared for [or possibly open to] the right thing coming along and something serious or substantial coming of it. it's a different perspective.
and i think what all this overthought of late relates to is the question of just what am i going to do with my life and exactly what am i ready for. big, terrifying questions. i think the root any discontent of late is related to the more general confusion and apprehension about life's many mysteries. but u can't question it too much...and for now i'm going to try to enjoy the ride and figure out the some of the smaller things...that and go absorb myself in some music.
before calling it a nite on the rambling front, i think it's interesting how much we assume to know people or judge people. i'm definitely guilty of it and can think of a pretty recent instance of being this way about someone. and i'm annoyed with myself for it. as i indicated earlier, people are a result of so many different factors and are so layered as individuals. what may not make sense to me or may not be right for me is not necessarily bad or wrong...it just is. we're each on a path in life, some of our paths cross and overlap for extended periods and sometimes neither of those things happens. i like to think we meet the people we do for a reason, sometimes significant and other times not. oddly, u often don't know what role a person will play in your life until later on. but it's interesting to meet the people we do and i think it's important to not brush anyone off as irrelevant or something negative. i'm struggling to articulate what i'm saying, so i'll stop for now.
laying in bed a few days before coming back to san francisco from Ann Arbor, i found myself restless and overly contemplative. it reminded me of the many nites before making the decision to leave LA where i stayed up well beyond late for no reason at all...i simply lacked any desire to sleep. finding myself laying awake like that after moving was somewhat unsettling but also made sense in more ways than one.
a few days later i was at the airport, sad to be leaving home and saying bye to my parents yet also looking forward to getting back to my other home here in san francisco. i ended up giving up my seat on my flight for what eventually turned out to be a $400 travel voucher as well as a free upgrade to first class on a flight later that evening. i was walking around the airport with the biggest, dumbest smile on my face when i realized i needed to walk around with a goofy smile more often because [aside from the awesome bonuses of a $400 travel voucher and free first class] there is much to be thankful for and happy about in life. why focus on the negatives when there are plenty of great positives? and why have i been doing so lately? i mean, the delicious burger i had for lunch was reason enough to consider the day a win, forget the travel perks. i felt that i wasn't being myself by finding negativity and worry and frankly some grouchiness in life.
yet it's been a struggle to get back to doing me even after the move back to the 'sco this past fall. even after enjoying a great flight in first class i found myself somewhat lost a few days later. and even as i write this i find myself taking myself too seriously. but i think that's one of the functions of this blog: it's a place to focus in that manner and hopefully work through some things.
i think one of the realizations of the past couple weeks is that i'm ready for more in life...at least on some fronts. i'm ready to really redefine myself and while that desire at first comes as one with the hopes of possibly showing the better side of myself to those around me, it's actually more of something i need to do for myself and not anyone else. it's just a personal desire to consistently improve and grow...so i can hopefully do more for those i care about and who are important to me. i came across someone discussing a quote to the effect that other peoples' opinions of you are none of your business [i think it was on the quotes/trivia section of Rachel Bilson's imdb page...very random]. my first inclination is to point out that the opinions of those close to you and who know you are very important and very much your business. but, as i've learned through experiences and discussions with many, u can't really be someone for anyone else...u can only be the person u are for yourself. u can only do u.
this leads somewhat naturally into my next topic of thought: people. people amuse me and more importantly confuse me. i think we need more honesty in interacting with others. not necessarily in a blunt or rude fashion. but in a polite, truthful. non-misleading sense. we shouldn't be afraid to be honest with people, i guess...not that i'm not guilty of being afraid to tell people things. but some of the things people say and do just make no sense to me...yet i'm realizing that things don't have to make sense, not all of the time. everyone is an individual; an individual that is the result of endless circumstances and influence and experiences. at times all u can do is just let it be what it is...
yet it does lead to some situations where i'm left wondering just what to do...what's the appropriate course of action or way of handling things...and i find myself regressing to some silly behavior and emotions that don't help the situation at all. and this is what really ties into the point i reached earlier: all u can do is be you, do you...and let what happens happen. people either get u or they don't...obviously it's important to try to be the best version of u that u are capable of being, but if u do that...well, there's nothing left to do beyond just that. what people will think of u and how they will react is something u cannot control or really worry too much about, as long as u're doing what's right.
so back to being ready for more...at first i felt like i wanted more. it was almost a feeling of loneliness. but it's clear now that after spending the past 3 plus years feeling incapable of committing to something substantial [be it in personal relationships or even more on the work front], i really am ready for something of substance. you can't go looking for it tho...and many say it's when u least expect things that they happen [and that's rung true on multiple occasions for me]. but it's different feeling a little more prepared for [or possibly open to] the right thing coming along and something serious or substantial coming of it. it's a different perspective.
and i think what all this overthought of late relates to is the question of just what am i going to do with my life and exactly what am i ready for. big, terrifying questions. i think the root any discontent of late is related to the more general confusion and apprehension about life's many mysteries. but u can't question it too much...and for now i'm going to try to enjoy the ride and figure out the some of the smaller things...that and go absorb myself in some music.
**********
before calling it a nite on the rambling front, i think it's interesting how much we assume to know people or judge people. i'm definitely guilty of it and can think of a pretty recent instance of being this way about someone. and i'm annoyed with myself for it. as i indicated earlier, people are a result of so many different factors and are so layered as individuals. what may not make sense to me or may not be right for me is not necessarily bad or wrong...it just is. we're each on a path in life, some of our paths cross and overlap for extended periods and sometimes neither of those things happens. i like to think we meet the people we do for a reason, sometimes significant and other times not. oddly, u often don't know what role a person will play in your life until later on. but it's interesting to meet the people we do and i think it's important to not brush anyone off as irrelevant or something negative. i'm struggling to articulate what i'm saying, so i'll stop for now.
Friday, January 1, 2010
a new year...a new decade
After taking a look back at what I wrote as 2008 came to a close, here I am wondering what to write now that another year has passed. It only feels appropriate to start the new year off with a little writing and also tackle the yearly tradition of reflecting on the year that was and thinking about goals for the year to come.
The past year involved a lot of change with the most obvious example being moving from Los Angeles back to San Francisco. But even before that there was a lot of changing brewing. Some of it for the worse: I came to see that my disgruntlement with my situation in Los Angeles was effecting who I was as a person. I think there's still some room to grow up in some ways on this stuff too.
The year also involved some changes in close friendships...which I guess is part of what happens with friendships over time. It's not always easy and some of the bumps along the road comprised the more difficult aspects of this past year. Yet at the same time, some friendships changed and grew for the better.
I think this brief amount of reflecting shows how the year came with highs and lows, which I'm sure it true for most. My approach is to just learn what I can from the experiences and be thankful for them because our experiences shape us into who we each are as people. I can't say I'd be where I am today in life without both the good and the bad experiences and events to date...but obviously the positives outweighing the negatives is the hope and ideal.
Anyway, 2009 was a year in which I think I began to learn and understand many things. At the same time 2009 unearthed many questions that still need answers and shows that there is room for growth and improvement. And I think that will always be true in life. In the end, each new year's resolutions are about answering some of life's questions and growing and improving as much as one can. After listing some broader goals for myself at the end of 2008, I think I'll try to start 2010 off with a short list of goals that are somewhat more narrower but not necessarily as specific as traditional New Year's Resolutions...
The past year involved a lot of change with the most obvious example being moving from Los Angeles back to San Francisco. But even before that there was a lot of changing brewing. Some of it for the worse: I came to see that my disgruntlement with my situation in Los Angeles was effecting who I was as a person. I think there's still some room to grow up in some ways on this stuff too.
The year also involved some changes in close friendships...which I guess is part of what happens with friendships over time. It's not always easy and some of the bumps along the road comprised the more difficult aspects of this past year. Yet at the same time, some friendships changed and grew for the better.
I think this brief amount of reflecting shows how the year came with highs and lows, which I'm sure it true for most. My approach is to just learn what I can from the experiences and be thankful for them because our experiences shape us into who we each are as people. I can't say I'd be where I am today in life without both the good and the bad experiences and events to date...but obviously the positives outweighing the negatives is the hope and ideal.
Anyway, 2009 was a year in which I think I began to learn and understand many things. At the same time 2009 unearthed many questions that still need answers and shows that there is room for growth and improvement. And I think that will always be true in life. In the end, each new year's resolutions are about answering some of life's questions and growing and improving as much as one can. After listing some broader goals for myself at the end of 2008, I think I'll try to start 2010 off with a short list of goals that are somewhat more narrower but not necessarily as specific as traditional New Year's Resolutions...
- continue to spend as much time with family and friends, enjoying their company and learning from them
- develop my love for food...in terms of cooking more and also finding a better balance in what i eat
- slow down [this likely makes sense to no one]
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
just what, exactly, was i thinking?
I was cleaning my room recently and came across an old journal type book I've had since college. I knew what was in it and felt that the opening pages [lists of "Top 5s"] could be pulled out and thrown away. I knew they were outdated. Skimming thru some of the lists, one caught my attention and got me to stop and read through it: Top 5 . . . Dream Jobs. In he words of my younger, foolish college self:
I can, somewhat ashamedly, admit that #5 was placed on that list simply because I knew I was going to law school without really knowing what I wanted to do in life. [As for the rest of that list, I'd say I've grown up about some of it and also refined some of the ideas behind certain entries.]
I think most people would be really happy to have found employment in one of their top 5 dream jobs. I found employment as #5, but it never really deserved to be there . . . and more generally, the entire list was somewhat youthful and confused. I didn't even have 5 things for the list at that time in my life.
And while most would find great joy in knowing that they work, or have worked, as one of the top 5 dream jobs, it's pretty tough to realize how far you are from any of those dream jobs. Some think dreams of rather childlike; we all need to grow up one day and get realistic about things. But is that really so? An old favorite quote of mine is a passage from James Baldwin's "Sonny's Blues," which reads
Another favorite [one's the precise language escapes me right now] is that one should aim for the moon because even if u miss, u may still hit a star.
And so I'm left to wonder about when one should be realistic and now hold onto some of the dreams in life. Obviously, bills need to be paid and reality comes with its difficulties. But even as I grow older, I still find myself living in my head...a place of dreams and fantasies and things of all possibilities. Sometimes I worry that it's not a place to spend as much time in as I do.
The answer to this entry's question is that I was looking for justification. I wanted a valid reason to go to law school . . . and to be honest I got to law school and met many people who had much better reasons for being there than I did. I came up with reasons for going to law school. And more importantly, I really enjoyed law school and learned a lot form the experience. I have no regrets about going to law school. But that doesn't mean I don't have questions in life now about precisely what I want to do. The job I had over the past couple years taught me many things and helped answer some questions about just what I want to do and what I want in life, but it also created some new questions as well. As I ramble on about this I think that many of my questions are normal and just a part of life and "growing up" and facing this thing they call the real world. I think I'm just expressing some of these normal thoughts out loud, in a manner of speaking, for the first time in a while as I haven't really discussed the issue(s) at length with anyone. I think it's time to do something about that . . .
- club owning DJ/Bartender
- Photographer
- Executive Produce/Talent Scout for a record label
- Owner of a music store
- Lawyer
I can, somewhat ashamedly, admit that #5 was placed on that list simply because I knew I was going to law school without really knowing what I wanted to do in life. [As for the rest of that list, I'd say I've grown up about some of it and also refined some of the ideas behind certain entries.]
I think most people would be really happy to have found employment in one of their top 5 dream jobs. I found employment as #5, but it never really deserved to be there . . . and more generally, the entire list was somewhat youthful and confused. I didn't even have 5 things for the list at that time in my life.
And while most would find great joy in knowing that they work, or have worked, as one of the top 5 dream jobs, it's pretty tough to realize how far you are from any of those dream jobs. Some think dreams of rather childlike; we all need to grow up one day and get realistic about things. But is that really so? An old favorite quote of mine is a passage from James Baldwin's "Sonny's Blues," which reads
While there's on so much you can do with it, the only way to find this out is to try; to try and make it do everything.
Another favorite [one's the precise language escapes me right now] is that one should aim for the moon because even if u miss, u may still hit a star.
And so I'm left to wonder about when one should be realistic and now hold onto some of the dreams in life. Obviously, bills need to be paid and reality comes with its difficulties. But even as I grow older, I still find myself living in my head...a place of dreams and fantasies and things of all possibilities. Sometimes I worry that it's not a place to spend as much time in as I do.
**********
The answer to this entry's question is that I was looking for justification. I wanted a valid reason to go to law school . . . and to be honest I got to law school and met many people who had much better reasons for being there than I did. I came up with reasons for going to law school. And more importantly, I really enjoyed law school and learned a lot form the experience. I have no regrets about going to law school. But that doesn't mean I don't have questions in life now about precisely what I want to do. The job I had over the past couple years taught me many things and helped answer some questions about just what I want to do and what I want in life, but it also created some new questions as well. As I ramble on about this I think that many of my questions are normal and just a part of life and "growing up" and facing this thing they call the real world. I think I'm just expressing some of these normal thoughts out loud, in a manner of speaking, for the first time in a while as I haven't really discussed the issue(s) at length with anyone. I think it's time to do something about that . . .
**********
And now, the current Top 5 dream jobs, in no particular order and also without really knowing all there is to know about the stated profession(s):
but that's OK. life's about figuring it out. u can have all the dreams u want, u can even attain those dreams and think u know exactly what u want to be or to do in life . . . and then it can all change. it's all temporary i guess.
- artist [primarily a photographer but also a mixed-media artist]
- teacher/professor
- architect
- journalist
- . . .
but that's OK. life's about figuring it out. u can have all the dreams u want, u can even attain those dreams and think u know exactly what u want to be or to do in life . . . and then it can all change. it's all temporary i guess.