gettin' back to Lou

a coworker noted this afternoon that i was in a particularly good mood, rather happy and chipper.  it was a bit of surprise to her because as she's gotten to kno me over the last handful of weeks i've been admittedly a little bummed and mentally preoccupied....or as she put it depressed and obsessive, hahaha.  my mind has definitely raced lately and i have felt rather down for more time than i usually ever do.  it was funny because i pointed out to my coworker that i'm usually a rather happy-go-lucky person who really enjoys life and cherishes the good times and good people in it...this news surprised her.

later in the day i met up with one of my best friends from growing up and seeing such a familiar face reminded me that i've spent enough time being down and it's time to get back to being myself and appreciating the good friends in my life.  hard times will come in life and what brought me down is a situation that in no way is any better than before...but it's not worth changing who i am.  obviously it will involve plenty of thinking and other down times...it's just time to get back to being myself because i'm tired of not being me.

i've written about how during college and law school, when studying for exams i'd always reach a point (usually late the nite before or early the morning of an exam) where i just took my pile of notes or outline and plopped it down on my desk and said to myself: i'm over it.  i can't say i'm necessarily at that point now and i am sure i'll fall back into a bummer out state at times but i'm over not being who i am.  so hopefully this is some sort of turning point...all i kno now is i can't wait to get out of town for the weekend with some great friends and go hurt myself snowboarding...haha.

random

i honestly have nothing important to say.  i just feel a silly urge to write here as if to clear my mind tho the thinking of late leaves me in a pretty constant haze and at the same time has resulted in some feeling of clarity and happiness about things...a funny dynamic to say the least. 

i could easily ramble about things i used to ramble about and the various emotions and thoughts some of life's current circumstances bring about.   in the past it was actually somewhat necessary tho also likely equally inappropriate at the same time.  i kinda forget that [a few] people actually read this thing and while i never called anyone out for anything or named names or straight up discussed some of the things bothering me in life, it was pretty clear what was on my mind to anyone who knew me well at all [i.e., the few people who might read these silly ramblings].  And so as much as i might want to say certain things here,  i've learned to refrain...that and to be honest i wouldn't even kno what to say at this point.

i dunno...life's funny.  Lately I've caught myself saying, typing, or thinking that "life happens."  i kinda just threw it out there originally but it's much more apropos than just some phrase tossed around...as much as we may plan our lives out or expect things to be a certain way, sometimes life just happens to u and things change.  It's not always what u might want but it's sometimes what u need, what's best, and i think if u're lucky and open-minded and strong enough, u at the least adjust to it and find your happiness with the aspects of life that happen.  Life's twists and turns are funny and interesting...the number of unexpected things i've experienced that i could detail kinda amazes me and often makes me laugh or at least smile.

But yea...life happens.  i think one of the biggest examples of this is something i discussed with one of my best friends from growing up, Al, a couple weeks back when he was in the 'Sco.  Sometimes people come into your life and just have a crazy impact on u...it's hard to explain, it can be difficult to justify, but it happens.  And sometimes u just end up left there to kinda be like "WTF?"  Haha...u don't expect it, u don't see it coming, and then BOOM!  Life happens in all kinds of other ways, from job things to winning the lotto [my mom so owes me $10 million in 80's money] to friendships to any and everything else.  So I guess while a plan is important, flexibility is key too.

And now is when i reach the point discussed in the last emotion in this article my friend Swiyyah posted on fb.  What the hell am i writing about and why?  i'm far too lazy to go back and edit this goofy ass post...but yea, i'm definitely sitting here wondering just what it is i'm doing and feeling somewhat self-conscious about it all.  But these are my ramblings and here they are for anyone to amuse, entertain, or bore him/herself with...

a reminder about music

music moves me. literally [i often can't help but dance when i hear certain music] and emotionally [things like getting chills or goosebumps or just feeling emotions].  it is one of the greatest things in this world, in my opinion.  music has always been there for me in tough times and i feel i've learned a lot thru music over the years [as silly as that may sound to some].

today, music hit me in the face and the heart again and on multiple occasions.  from a friend sending me a clip from the season of The Sing-Off that ended tonite to me searching for videos of one of my best friends singing a cappella in his college days to another dear friend sending me highly applicable and funny youtube videos knowing some of what's on my mind these days to finding a few videos of songs that really hit me to watching the finale of The Sing-Off...today was full of musical moments that reminded me just how important music is to me.  it's not really something i ever forget but it is something i sometimes overlook or that escapes my mind.

i think the answers to all of life's questions can be found in music.  my friend Swiyyah and i discussed this today and she agrees with me tho i'm sure many don't.  even if the answer is simply finding what u need at that specific moment in time, it's there in music.  it's funny because sometimes u need to hear one thing and other times u need to hear the opposite, but u can find both answers in music.  while it may not be a lasting feeling, during any of the difficult times in life music has always been able to makeme feel better, for at least some portion of time.

i often wish others could hear that i hear and feel what i feel...it's one of the biggest gaps/disconnects i feel between myself and others.  it feels hard to explain but really is a straightforward concept.  i'm sure one part of it is the literal differences between each individual when it comes to perception.  but still, for some reason i'm waiting for some song to resonate in someone else the same way ti does for me.  it's a silly thing to thing about but maybe it's one of the things that will finally click with the alleged "one," but that's an entirely different concept.  anyway, it's part of why i enjoy sharing music with people...to hopefully give someone something they like and that can be meaningful to that individual.

anywho...i'm sure to pass out listening to some music tonite...

lost ways and confusion

i started this last nite and definitely FAILed at completing it.  blogging during the daylight hours is a bit of a rarity for me, but i've got time on my hands since i'm home for the holidays right now and figure why not try to clear up some of the things on my mind.  so, in part from last nite and in part from right now, here goes...


u kno that whole too much thinking topic of recent (let's be honest, not too recent) blog posts?  sadly, it continues.  what's worse is my general confusion about some of the topics that run thru my head only grows worse.  being caught up in thought has really exhausted me recently, it takes a physical toll on me.  how sad is that?  thinking is apparently that hard for me, hahaha.

actually, the reason it's so tiring is that it tends to consume me in a way...or more accurately these things stay on my mind even as i do and think about other things.  it's like this ever present gnawing or something.  i'm tired of it.  the problem is, i don't know what to do about some of it; there are no clear or quick answers about these things.

well, i think there are definitely some quick answers but long term they offer nothing helpful.  aside from tiring me and being difficult things to sort out, what i really don't like is the effect all this stuff is having on the person i'm being to others.  i'm acting out of character or at times like a crappy version of myself and that is particularly troublesome.  it's not a lot of fun to make the realization that u're not living up to the standards and ideals u set for yourself but it's important to see it when it happens.  if anything, that realization wears on me more than any of the things i worry about or ponder in life.


it's the fact that over-thinking things leads to situations like this that i find times when i think a lot troubling or worrisome.  i think the lesson to be learned is to just figure out ways to shut my brain off at times, distract myself, and just let things be [a lesson someone first taught me a long, long time ago and that i apparently need a refresher course on].  with my thinking i often get in my own way and more importantly i lose it.  that's much of what i feel at times right now...lost and confused.  but at the same time, as my brother pointed out to me a while ago, u can't think in such grand terms but rather only take small steps.  it's time to take some of those smaller steps and build towards something more...

it seems that blogging, as foolish as this thing is, is one of the small steps.  it provides a time and place to actually think concretely and to actually express things and begin to figure some stuff out.  as self-important and ridiculous as i'm sure this entire blog sounds, it's a therapeutic space for me as well and one i hopefully continue to find time for in life.

thoughts, emotion, and logic...

It's one of the rare times in life where I'm doing for too much thinking.  There's some pretentious interpretation of that statement I'm sure but I can guarantee u that there is nothing earth-shattering being discovered in my mind.  Instead I'm just trapped inside of my own head, unwilling if not unable to turn my brain off and just stop.  I hate when this happens and I hate that it's such a struggle for me to distract myself when I know for many others it isn't...or at least they make it seem easier.

I was talking to my best friend yesterday, discussing life's events and some of my frustrations, in particular at certain emotions I'm feeling when logically speaking I know better.  He pointed out that most people are either very logical/rational or very emotional.  He then noted that I'm some weird mix of the two: often temporarily ruled by emotion, logic always catches up for me and a balanced mindset is usually reached.  It's frustrating to sit here and know things logically or rationally but feel something else on an emotional level and it kinda makes me feel like a giant idiot.  Why not just let the logic dictate?  But for me I guess it's the brain and the heart [i.e., logic and emotion] battling things out until I can [hopefully] find that balanced point.

What's odd is that I sometimes worry if I don't want to let the feelings or emotions cede when I could.  I don't think that's really the case and it's just the logical side of me being confused about why I may feel whatever I may feel...but who knows.

Anyway...of all the things on my mind, the general theme is one of stabilizing my life in many ways.  The last almost 16  months since leaving LA have been absolutely amazing.  I in no way regret the decision to leave my old job and take a giant, somewhat irrational step with my life to get to a happier place [I get that some people don't understand it].  At the same time, it's time to really buckle down to begin to accomplish the goals I do have in life.  It's like I'm saying, "Lou, it's time to grow up," but I hate that terminology for some reason.  I said something along those lines to my brother this past summer when I was in NYC and his response was "what, u of the Peter Pan syndrome?"  So yes, there is some part of me that honestly must fight for the kid in me and everyone else.  In that sense, it will never be time to grow up.  At the same time, there's a time and place for seriousness, determination, responsibility, and other grown up sounding things.  This is not to say I've been a child for the past 16 months.  I took a step that I felt was necessary in life and it was a step along a winding road that I'm sure time will show was necessary to achieve whatever comes in the future.  But know, it's time to start taking some more steps...

How did it already get to be almost 11?  I was ready to pass out around 8, hahaha.

drafts...

i just deleted an attempt at a post.  in so doing, i noticed a handful of other draft posts on this blog that i never completed or couldn't ever get myself to complete/post.  it's funny that only in rather introspective times do i feel like i can write anything of much merit on this blog.  my guess is that such a feeling is erroneous but whenever i try to post other thoughts or observations i feel a funny sense of triviality to any contribution i might make to the world.

anyway, i find myself thinking a bit more these days.  thinking about a variety of things and wondering what it really takes to figure out life.  i think i need this time of just getting by and wandering a bit...but i am also realizing i need to begin to take some more proactive steps towards some concreteness (i guess that's the word to use).  funny thing about this world is how it grows more and more specialized and focused...thus requiring more and more precise experience to really get to any job.  it feels harder and harder to start to get to that concreteness i guess.  i'm not sure what i'm rambling about right now and i'm not sure where my head is really at...which i think is kinda what bothers me.

the things i find myself thinking about are actually rather confusing to me.  in talking about one of these topics with a close friend today, she pointed out that life is just confusing sometimes.  it was how i opened the conversation and i found amusement in the fact that it was kinda her concluding point too.  but she was right...and sometimes all u can do is try to make your way thru the confusion until u can figure things out or things sort themselves out.

i guess the overarching question is whether or not it's a bad thing or dangerous to just simply enjoy life and it's experiences without necessarily building towards something grander (or, on some level, really sorting out all the confusion).  i'm simply enjoying the life i'm leading these days but i can't say it's building towards some future of a prolific or extended career in anything; i can't say i'm saving or working towards buying a house or starting a family or anything along those lines...things generations past would likely be far ahead of me on at this time in life.  but is that how it works now?  should it be?  was it really how it worked then and did it have to be that way?

too many questions, too few answers.  too much thinking and too much thinking in overly grand terms.

it's time to push tonite's load of laundry on to my chair to be folded tomorrow, balance out the day with some music, and pass out.  u may have won this round tuesday...but tomorrow is wednesday.

individualism.

In life, we encounter situations where we need advice with respect to our interactions with other people, be it boyfriends/girlfriends, love interests, friends, family, roommates, coworkers, and so on.  I've often asked for advice; I've often been asked for advice.  Time and time again, the conclusion I tend to reach is that everyone is different: we're all our own individuals. 

I guess the situation is a bit different when you know the person asked about...but even then it's easy to see that the way I or any of my friends might do something or handle a situation is not necessarily the same as the person in question.  What people think is the right course of action, what people expect, what people want...even the way people perceive things is highly individualized.  I think the fact that we're all our own individuals is reflected in the fact that when seeking out the advice of others you come across a variety of opinions, ideas, and thoughts.

I was talking about this with my friend Lisa today and she pointed out what was kind of the missing step for me in my thought process and reflection on the whole matter: it's comforting to hear the various opinions of others.  On top of that, I think we tend to seek out the ideas, opinions, suggestions, beliefs, or whatever of people that are reassuring.  As much as sometimes you need to hear what might be the bitter truth about a situation, sometimes you also just need to hear something hopeful or maybe hear what u want to hear.

But I guess as much as individuality exists, we are also influenced by one another and our various experiences in life.  I mean, our individuality is really made of a number of things outside of us as individuals...if that makes any kind of sense.  We learn from and through each other...and also define who we are in the process.

In the end, it's just funny to me when I'm asked for advice about some things, because I feel like people differ in how they handle things...and I often feel like I approach things in a way different [tho likely not (any) better] than others.  And it's funny to ask for advice and get the various qualifiers and disclaimers.  But I think we tend to get what it is that we need or that helps us handle and understand each situation...whether it's actually right or wrong.

So I guess I'd like to end this long overdue, typically random rambling by thanking all those who have given me advice over the years...and hopefully I've returned the favor or given someone some decent advice along the way.