Friday, June 26, 2009

Michael Jackson

Many words have already been written since the world found out about the tragic passing of Michael Jackson. Yesterday was simply one of the saddest days in music. Learning that Michael Jackson had suffered a cardiac arrest and was being hospitalized brought my day to a pause, followed by frantic checking of various news outlets for more information. The news of his death was at first met with disbelief and followed by a sense of shock. In some ways it is yet to sink in.

In talking with close friends about his passing, I find the only way to take comfort in anything is by appreciating the gifts of his music and dance moves. For many, it is or was his music that made him so special. This holds true for me as well, but his amazing dance moves were equally important. Seeing his dance moves growing up in the 80s, I couldn't help but want to dance. Although never coming close to emulating his talents, his dance moves and the rhythmic beats of his amazing music simply inspired movement in me.

It was clear from an early age that Michael Jackson was a special and talented individual. With time he grew to become the King of Pop; a star like never before. With his music, dance moves, and music videos he shaped a generation. His musical impact was felt in all parts of society and across generations; his music opened doors for many others to follow. He managed to bridge gaps between cultures and in so doing he brought many people together. Simply put, he broke down barriers. And beyond the impact his music had, he strove to make the world a better place.

It's nice to see how much love this world has for Michael Jackson, especially after all of the ridicule he received in recent years for his eccentric behavior. It is undeniable that his career and life took an unfortunate turn, yet it is equally undeniable that few, if any, have ever faced the pressures he did. Growing up a childhood star as he did, in many ways he was never given the opportunity to really be a child, a kid. From a very early age he was a star and in the limelight; he was the star in a groups of stars. Undoubtedly, these early experiences (or maybe more so the lack of some of the normal childhood experiences) shaped him in ways difficult to understand or explain. Without any semblance of a true childhood, Michael Jackson "grew up" and managed to become the biggest pop star that ever lived (further removing any slim chance of normalcy in his life). But in time, his star would fall almost as far as it had risen. Faced with accusations and rumors of all sorts, Michael Jackson eventually withdrew from public view...and the times he did resurface he was often met with a less than friendly response. In recent memory, his amazing contribution to the entertainment world (and really the world more generally) had been overshadowed by the controversies he became embroiled in.

I wholeheartedly believe that some of his eccentricities were simply a necessary part of him being the amazing, talented musician, entertainer, and performer that he was. Some of course were side effects of his less than normal upbringing. And yes, there were things that simply didn't make sense or felt wrong. At the end of it all, Michael Jackson was an amazing individual who will forever be remembered for the music he left us. It's a gift many of us will continue to cherish.

Thank you, Michael Jackson, for all you gave us. My thoughts and prayers go out to his family, friends, and fans. My hope and belief is that Michael is now in a place where he is free of the many burdens that followed him in recent years.

Monday, June 22, 2009

once again, a bit terrified.

title sums it up. i am feeling terrified yet again as i hang out in my apartment and ponder things. after a good talk with one of the people i am close to in my life whose opinions i value highly i feel a bit surer of my life plan for the foreseeable future...but as i feel a little more settled on a decision i find myself that much more terrified and this emotion makes me question the decision. i think it's natural...but nothing changes the fact that i'm pretty much terrified right now. ahhhhhhhh!!!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

what to do

i fin myself asking a lot of questions about life lately. it's actually more asking the same questions over and over again, sometimes in different ways. but it all boils down to the following: what to do? what to do about the circumstances in life that i'm unhappy with?

i get conflicting opinions from the various people in my life...their different views are entirely expected and make sense. some say to take what sounds to be the safe road. others say now is the time to take a different, riskier step. i find myself leaning in between, hoping to find a happy medium between the conservative, responsible approach and a more freeing, riskier, less known path.

it's terrifying trying to sort it out and figure out what to do. i find myself too consumed with worry about what to do that i find myself paralyzed by the uncertainty. coupled with the unhappiness brought on by the present circumstances that i'm trying to do something about [and obviously trying to figure out what to do about], i simply want to sleep, to shutdown, to hibernate or become a hermit and in that way simply run away from it all.

doing something about everything is scary. doing something about everything is hard. and it's easier to do nothing except that it accomplishes the opposite of helping. i'm at one of those points in life where it feels like screaming might help. but it won't really...instead things just wear on me and begin to have a negative effect on me.

yet here i am...thinking, not acting as much as i probably should...kinda just continuing to freak out and wonder. hopefully writing this and realizing all of this helps motivate me...maybe i don't need motivation to do some of the things i could because that's simply not the path for me in the end. time will tell. and while i'd say i grow impatient, it's not so much that but rather that i'm tired.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

flailing

in an internal regard, it's been a difficult few weeks. a lot of questioning and attempts at figuring some things out...but without many answers or much progress. the confusion and uncertainty is draining, tiring...and the discontent with other aspects of life [which simply spurs the confusion] at times feels insurmountable. it leaves me feeling as tho i'm flailing about...trying to grasp hold of anything with which to pull myself up and onto stable ground.

but this just all makes it sounds worse than it is. yet in a way it really is all that there is...

someone confirmed some of my personal suspicions today. difficult to hear, of course...but at the same time ...well, there is no "at the same time." as much as i need a change, that very need of a certain change has led to a different kind of change...not one that is beneficial. the only thing i can say is that i'm as tired of it as the next guy.

the feeling of being a malcontent is unbecoming and simply unenjoyable. what to do about it is daunting at times but i guess it's best to just reflect and notice the many great tendencies of those around me. they tend to set a good example, one i sometimes lag behind. i guess this solves some of the riddles facing me. and hopefully i can get back to not allowing the others adversely affect the person i'm looking to become in life.

Monday, June 15, 2009

classin' it up a bit

My brother was singing with the SF Symphony this past weekend and as is customary i made the short trip north to attend one of the performances and also spend whatever free time he had with him. it's been really nice over the past couple years having him come out to the West Coast much more often than he did during my first 7 or 8years out here. it's allowed me to see much more of him than i did those earlier years. it's allowed us to grow closer and be more of a part of each others' lives and simply know more of what's going on in each of our lives. growing up we weren't the closest but it's been nice to feel that change with time and age.

anyway...
  • boozing at the airport
  • getting a ride from the airport
  • "How many hot girls are we missing out on because they're fat?"
  • meetin' Ed's parents
  • a bombtastic home cooked meal [thanks again for having me over Ed's parents!]
  • the decision to simply chill on friday nite
  • late nite run to King of Thai
  • movie'ing up with the boys
  • breakfast with Nick and Ed
  • getting asked how i would like my bacon: medium or well done [i'm so happy i was asked this]
  • big ass biscuits [no, that is not a euphemism...for once]
  • window shopping
  • actually shopping [cufflinks - woohoo!]
  • the ridiculous search for parking
  • North Beach Street Fair
  • bomb ass gyros!
  • trouble deciding on dinner
  • suiting up!
  • Belden Place
  • taking in the symphony and getting to see my brother perform
  • Jardinière for drinks
  • "Are you still with what's his nuts?"
  • curbside stripshow
  • bootie mashups!
  • the approach
  • dancing it up
  • Little WT dancing it up
  • shirts off
  • white pants
  • a solo slice of Seibel's
  • dim sum
  • a little golf [hitting the golf shop and the range]
  • pong shots
  • more King of Thai
  • Ed's filming his pong shots
  • biting it on the stairs
  • a ride to BART
  • BART arriving at the perfect time
  • finally ending the run of 5 flights in 8 days
all in all, a great weekend full of a variety of events and activities. anyway...such a good weekend is always tiring as well. off to get some rest i go...with still plenty of thoughts on the mind.

Monday, June 8, 2009

reunion weekend...takin' it back to the old skool

Apparently 10 years has passed. Funny to think about for a variety of reasons. One, it kinda totally makes sense. Two, while much has changed, much hasn't. Three, well...i don't have a 3 right now but i'm sure i could come up with some more reasons.

1999 - when many of my still closest friends and i graduated high school together. This past weekend was our 10 year high school reunion (along with reunions for the classes of 1989 and 1984) back at the old stomping grounds, as they say. altho there wasn't a lot of hubbub to the event and only a small number of us actually made it, it was a fantastic time getting to see old friends [many of whom i am still close to after all these years] and just kick it.

the weekend was a reminder of how important those high school years were for me (and i'm sure many of those close friends) and the wonderful opportunity it was to get to go to school with all those individuals. it's great to see these old friends and have things just continue in a natural manner, much like they never skipped a beat.

anyway...the weekend got me thinking more and more about the things that are already on mind and some of those thoughts will get explored here as there is a serious need for such writing. but, i've spent enough time blabbering...a weekend of travel means a list of highlights...
  • the airplane with not enough rows [OK...this turned into a lowlight because of the guy who ended up getting seated next to me and smelled like he hadn't showered in days]
  • rediscovering the joys of the PSP
  • being home
  • sleeping in my new old room
  • sleeping in
  • the perfect weather
  • Treasure Mart
  • a belated Mother's day dinner
  • Kilwins ice cream
  • driving the old van
  • jalapeno Krunchers
  • darts and beer at Arbor Brew Co.
  • California kids kickin' it in the Ace Deuce
  • heading out to Greenhills and seeing some old friends and teachers
  • kickin' it at Alexa's
  • ChrisT. and Julie providing musical entertainment
  • Alexa's old creative writing materials
  • hoops in the old room
  • yet another gathering at Meditterano
  • Corky still asking for gum, 10 years later
  • everyone rolling out to Skeepers
  • 5-0
  • a change of venue to a place somewhat classier
  • dancing it up in Ann Arbor
  • late nite grub at the Fleetwood Diner
  • a call out West on the walk to the van
  • moving furniture
  • the Sunday visitor from South Bend
  • an early father's day dinner with the family
a fantastic weekend that, as previously mentioned, has spurred many a thought in my mind prompting me to continue realize how much i still need to figure out in life. but as a good friend reminded me today, it's not all supposed to planned out...

anyway...i'm too tired to get into all that now. i'm just ready to kick back and veg.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

frequency

for some time now i've been taking steps in an attempt to get myself to post more frequently. i consistently disappoint myself in these efforts but still i try. what i noticed last nite is that the frequency of posting was really at it's height the first few month after i started this blog. i don't know why, but it felt like i'd been posting at a more regular pace for a longer period of time.

as the two year anniversay of this blog approaches (just over a month to go), i find myself writing a little more and feeling more of an actual need to do so (if not an inspiration to spend some time writing). as with before, this increase in writing is prompted mainly from discontent with certain aspects of life (but not an overall and general unhappiness...don't worry).

the lesson from these realizations is that in many ways this blog is like personal therapy of sorts. it's a place to express random thoughts, feeling, and emotions and attempt to work thru and deal with some of these things. it's a space that acts like a journal in many ways and probably explains why the attempt at turning the blog into posting multiple items a day of random links and what not didn't last. plus, that' just a difficult task that is a job in its own right in many ways.

anyway...i grow distracted by the episode of iron chef i've got on the tele right now. off to veg out and chat online a bit.