i'm not going to lie, i've often wanted to go back in time and change certain things. that's in direct contradiction to many things i've written on this blog...but just because i at times wish for things doesn't mean i actually would if i could...altho maybe i would. my point is more that i think any sense of regret or any desire to go back is out of a feeling that an opportunity was missed.
obviously, u cannot know what is to come at the time of any encounter or experience. no one says foresight is 20/20 and people say things happen for a reason. part of life is the figuring out the reason and learning through hindsight. yet sometimes i think back on choices and decisions i made, actions i took and wonder about the multitude of different outcomes...it's natural to wonder what a different course of action would have lead to if taken.
it's important to not get caught up thinking about whether u're wasting an opportunity...else it's all too easy to get frozen, so to speak. i'm a firm believer that all a person can do is try their best. while there are of course caveats and exceptions, i think it's a general proposition that rings true. personally, that's all i think i could ever ask of a person [well, not really ask...but hopefully u get what i'm saying.
anyway, writing last nite was definitely a therapeutic process...it definitely helped with some of what was on my mind in the past few days. the question of what i'm going to do with myself and the more pressing matter of finding a job are still looming and rightfully so. hopefully i can deal with them in a better manner as time passes and hopefully i can actually do something about both. obviously i wonder about the opportunities that await me...and i wonder what i'll do with them and also what opportunities will present themselves. and while some thing u must go out and make things happen, i think there's also some amount that is outside our control...but that's no excuse for not being prepared for what the future may hold.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
re:definition
i find myself doing more thinking than i'd like lately. don't get me wrong, thinking is generally a good thing...i guess it's more what i think about and where it leads me.
laying in bed a few days before coming back to san francisco from Ann Arbor, i found myself restless and overly contemplative. it reminded me of the many nites before making the decision to leave LA where i stayed up well beyond late for no reason at all...i simply lacked any desire to sleep. finding myself laying awake like that after moving was somewhat unsettling but also made sense in more ways than one.
a few days later i was at the airport, sad to be leaving home and saying bye to my parents yet also looking forward to getting back to my other home here in san francisco. i ended up giving up my seat on my flight for what eventually turned out to be a $400 travel voucher as well as a free upgrade to first class on a flight later that evening. i was walking around the airport with the biggest, dumbest smile on my face when i realized i needed to walk around with a goofy smile more often because [aside from the awesome bonuses of a $400 travel voucher and free first class] there is much to be thankful for and happy about in life. why focus on the negatives when there are plenty of great positives? and why have i been doing so lately? i mean, the delicious burger i had for lunch was reason enough to consider the day a win, forget the travel perks. i felt that i wasn't being myself by finding negativity and worry and frankly some grouchiness in life.
yet it's been a struggle to get back to doing me even after the move back to the 'sco this past fall. even after enjoying a great flight in first class i found myself somewhat lost a few days later. and even as i write this i find myself taking myself too seriously. but i think that's one of the functions of this blog: it's a place to focus in that manner and hopefully work through some things.
i think one of the realizations of the past couple weeks is that i'm ready for more in life...at least on some fronts. i'm ready to really redefine myself and while that desire at first comes as one with the hopes of possibly showing the better side of myself to those around me, it's actually more of something i need to do for myself and not anyone else. it's just a personal desire to consistently improve and grow...so i can hopefully do more for those i care about and who are important to me. i came across someone discussing a quote to the effect that other peoples' opinions of you are none of your business [i think it was on the quotes/trivia section of Rachel Bilson's imdb page...very random]. my first inclination is to point out that the opinions of those close to you and who know you are very important and very much your business. but, as i've learned through experiences and discussions with many, u can't really be someone for anyone else...u can only be the person u are for yourself. u can only do u.
this leads somewhat naturally into my next topic of thought: people. people amuse me and more importantly confuse me. i think we need more honesty in interacting with others. not necessarily in a blunt or rude fashion. but in a polite, truthful. non-misleading sense. we shouldn't be afraid to be honest with people, i guess...not that i'm not guilty of being afraid to tell people things. but some of the things people say and do just make no sense to me...yet i'm realizing that things don't have to make sense, not all of the time. everyone is an individual; an individual that is the result of endless circumstances and influence and experiences. at times all u can do is just let it be what it is...
yet it does lead to some situations where i'm left wondering just what to do...what's the appropriate course of action or way of handling things...and i find myself regressing to some silly behavior and emotions that don't help the situation at all. and this is what really ties into the point i reached earlier: all u can do is be you, do you...and let what happens happen. people either get u or they don't...obviously it's important to try to be the best version of u that u are capable of being, but if u do that...well, there's nothing left to do beyond just that. what people will think of u and how they will react is something u cannot control or really worry too much about, as long as u're doing what's right.
so back to being ready for more...at first i felt like i wanted more. it was almost a feeling of loneliness. but it's clear now that after spending the past 3 plus years feeling incapable of committing to something substantial [be it in personal relationships or even more on the work front], i really am ready for something of substance. you can't go looking for it tho...and many say it's when u least expect things that they happen [and that's rung true on multiple occasions for me]. but it's different feeling a little more prepared for [or possibly open to] the right thing coming along and something serious or substantial coming of it. it's a different perspective.
and i think what all this overthought of late relates to is the question of just what am i going to do with my life and exactly what am i ready for. big, terrifying questions. i think the root any discontent of late is related to the more general confusion and apprehension about life's many mysteries. but u can't question it too much...and for now i'm going to try to enjoy the ride and figure out the some of the smaller things...that and go absorb myself in some music.
before calling it a nite on the rambling front, i think it's interesting how much we assume to know people or judge people. i'm definitely guilty of it and can think of a pretty recent instance of being this way about someone. and i'm annoyed with myself for it. as i indicated earlier, people are a result of so many different factors and are so layered as individuals. what may not make sense to me or may not be right for me is not necessarily bad or wrong...it just is. we're each on a path in life, some of our paths cross and overlap for extended periods and sometimes neither of those things happens. i like to think we meet the people we do for a reason, sometimes significant and other times not. oddly, u often don't know what role a person will play in your life until later on. but it's interesting to meet the people we do and i think it's important to not brush anyone off as irrelevant or something negative. i'm struggling to articulate what i'm saying, so i'll stop for now.
laying in bed a few days before coming back to san francisco from Ann Arbor, i found myself restless and overly contemplative. it reminded me of the many nites before making the decision to leave LA where i stayed up well beyond late for no reason at all...i simply lacked any desire to sleep. finding myself laying awake like that after moving was somewhat unsettling but also made sense in more ways than one.
a few days later i was at the airport, sad to be leaving home and saying bye to my parents yet also looking forward to getting back to my other home here in san francisco. i ended up giving up my seat on my flight for what eventually turned out to be a $400 travel voucher as well as a free upgrade to first class on a flight later that evening. i was walking around the airport with the biggest, dumbest smile on my face when i realized i needed to walk around with a goofy smile more often because [aside from the awesome bonuses of a $400 travel voucher and free first class] there is much to be thankful for and happy about in life. why focus on the negatives when there are plenty of great positives? and why have i been doing so lately? i mean, the delicious burger i had for lunch was reason enough to consider the day a win, forget the travel perks. i felt that i wasn't being myself by finding negativity and worry and frankly some grouchiness in life.
yet it's been a struggle to get back to doing me even after the move back to the 'sco this past fall. even after enjoying a great flight in first class i found myself somewhat lost a few days later. and even as i write this i find myself taking myself too seriously. but i think that's one of the functions of this blog: it's a place to focus in that manner and hopefully work through some things.
i think one of the realizations of the past couple weeks is that i'm ready for more in life...at least on some fronts. i'm ready to really redefine myself and while that desire at first comes as one with the hopes of possibly showing the better side of myself to those around me, it's actually more of something i need to do for myself and not anyone else. it's just a personal desire to consistently improve and grow...so i can hopefully do more for those i care about and who are important to me. i came across someone discussing a quote to the effect that other peoples' opinions of you are none of your business [i think it was on the quotes/trivia section of Rachel Bilson's imdb page...very random]. my first inclination is to point out that the opinions of those close to you and who know you are very important and very much your business. but, as i've learned through experiences and discussions with many, u can't really be someone for anyone else...u can only be the person u are for yourself. u can only do u.
this leads somewhat naturally into my next topic of thought: people. people amuse me and more importantly confuse me. i think we need more honesty in interacting with others. not necessarily in a blunt or rude fashion. but in a polite, truthful. non-misleading sense. we shouldn't be afraid to be honest with people, i guess...not that i'm not guilty of being afraid to tell people things. but some of the things people say and do just make no sense to me...yet i'm realizing that things don't have to make sense, not all of the time. everyone is an individual; an individual that is the result of endless circumstances and influence and experiences. at times all u can do is just let it be what it is...
yet it does lead to some situations where i'm left wondering just what to do...what's the appropriate course of action or way of handling things...and i find myself regressing to some silly behavior and emotions that don't help the situation at all. and this is what really ties into the point i reached earlier: all u can do is be you, do you...and let what happens happen. people either get u or they don't...obviously it's important to try to be the best version of u that u are capable of being, but if u do that...well, there's nothing left to do beyond just that. what people will think of u and how they will react is something u cannot control or really worry too much about, as long as u're doing what's right.
so back to being ready for more...at first i felt like i wanted more. it was almost a feeling of loneliness. but it's clear now that after spending the past 3 plus years feeling incapable of committing to something substantial [be it in personal relationships or even more on the work front], i really am ready for something of substance. you can't go looking for it tho...and many say it's when u least expect things that they happen [and that's rung true on multiple occasions for me]. but it's different feeling a little more prepared for [or possibly open to] the right thing coming along and something serious or substantial coming of it. it's a different perspective.
and i think what all this overthought of late relates to is the question of just what am i going to do with my life and exactly what am i ready for. big, terrifying questions. i think the root any discontent of late is related to the more general confusion and apprehension about life's many mysteries. but u can't question it too much...and for now i'm going to try to enjoy the ride and figure out the some of the smaller things...that and go absorb myself in some music.
**********
before calling it a nite on the rambling front, i think it's interesting how much we assume to know people or judge people. i'm definitely guilty of it and can think of a pretty recent instance of being this way about someone. and i'm annoyed with myself for it. as i indicated earlier, people are a result of so many different factors and are so layered as individuals. what may not make sense to me or may not be right for me is not necessarily bad or wrong...it just is. we're each on a path in life, some of our paths cross and overlap for extended periods and sometimes neither of those things happens. i like to think we meet the people we do for a reason, sometimes significant and other times not. oddly, u often don't know what role a person will play in your life until later on. but it's interesting to meet the people we do and i think it's important to not brush anyone off as irrelevant or something negative. i'm struggling to articulate what i'm saying, so i'll stop for now.
Friday, January 1, 2010
a new year...a new decade
After taking a look back at what I wrote as 2008 came to a close, here I am wondering what to write now that another year has passed. It only feels appropriate to start the new year off with a little writing and also tackle the yearly tradition of reflecting on the year that was and thinking about goals for the year to come.
The past year involved a lot of change with the most obvious example being moving from Los Angeles back to San Francisco. But even before that there was a lot of changing brewing. Some of it for the worse: I came to see that my disgruntlement with my situation in Los Angeles was effecting who I was as a person. I think there's still some room to grow up in some ways on this stuff too.
The year also involved some changes in close friendships...which I guess is part of what happens with friendships over time. It's not always easy and some of the bumps along the road comprised the more difficult aspects of this past year. Yet at the same time, some friendships changed and grew for the better.
I think this brief amount of reflecting shows how the year came with highs and lows, which I'm sure it true for most. My approach is to just learn what I can from the experiences and be thankful for them because our experiences shape us into who we each are as people. I can't say I'd be where I am today in life without both the good and the bad experiences and events to date...but obviously the positives outweighing the negatives is the hope and ideal.
Anyway, 2009 was a year in which I think I began to learn and understand many things. At the same time 2009 unearthed many questions that still need answers and shows that there is room for growth and improvement. And I think that will always be true in life. In the end, each new year's resolutions are about answering some of life's questions and growing and improving as much as one can. After listing some broader goals for myself at the end of 2008, I think I'll try to start 2010 off with a short list of goals that are somewhat more narrower but not necessarily as specific as traditional New Year's Resolutions...
The past year involved a lot of change with the most obvious example being moving from Los Angeles back to San Francisco. But even before that there was a lot of changing brewing. Some of it for the worse: I came to see that my disgruntlement with my situation in Los Angeles was effecting who I was as a person. I think there's still some room to grow up in some ways on this stuff too.
The year also involved some changes in close friendships...which I guess is part of what happens with friendships over time. It's not always easy and some of the bumps along the road comprised the more difficult aspects of this past year. Yet at the same time, some friendships changed and grew for the better.
I think this brief amount of reflecting shows how the year came with highs and lows, which I'm sure it true for most. My approach is to just learn what I can from the experiences and be thankful for them because our experiences shape us into who we each are as people. I can't say I'd be where I am today in life without both the good and the bad experiences and events to date...but obviously the positives outweighing the negatives is the hope and ideal.
Anyway, 2009 was a year in which I think I began to learn and understand many things. At the same time 2009 unearthed many questions that still need answers and shows that there is room for growth and improvement. And I think that will always be true in life. In the end, each new year's resolutions are about answering some of life's questions and growing and improving as much as one can. After listing some broader goals for myself at the end of 2008, I think I'll try to start 2010 off with a short list of goals that are somewhat more narrower but not necessarily as specific as traditional New Year's Resolutions...
- continue to spend as much time with family and friends, enjoying their company and learning from them
- develop my love for food...in terms of cooking more and also finding a better balance in what i eat
- slow down [this likely makes sense to no one]
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
just what, exactly, was i thinking?
I was cleaning my room recently and came across an old journal type book I've had since college. I knew what was in it and felt that the opening pages [lists of "Top 5s"] could be pulled out and thrown away. I knew they were outdated. Skimming thru some of the lists, one caught my attention and got me to stop and read through it: Top 5 . . . Dream Jobs. In he words of my younger, foolish college self:
I can, somewhat ashamedly, admit that #5 was placed on that list simply because I knew I was going to law school without really knowing what I wanted to do in life. [As for the rest of that list, I'd say I've grown up about some of it and also refined some of the ideas behind certain entries.]
I think most people would be really happy to have found employment in one of their top 5 dream jobs. I found employment as #5, but it never really deserved to be there . . . and more generally, the entire list was somewhat youthful and confused. I didn't even have 5 things for the list at that time in my life.
And while most would find great joy in knowing that they work, or have worked, as one of the top 5 dream jobs, it's pretty tough to realize how far you are from any of those dream jobs. Some think dreams of rather childlike; we all need to grow up one day and get realistic about things. But is that really so? An old favorite quote of mine is a passage from James Baldwin's "Sonny's Blues," which reads
Another favorite [one's the precise language escapes me right now] is that one should aim for the moon because even if u miss, u may still hit a star.
And so I'm left to wonder about when one should be realistic and now hold onto some of the dreams in life. Obviously, bills need to be paid and reality comes with its difficulties. But even as I grow older, I still find myself living in my head...a place of dreams and fantasies and things of all possibilities. Sometimes I worry that it's not a place to spend as much time in as I do.
The answer to this entry's question is that I was looking for justification. I wanted a valid reason to go to law school . . . and to be honest I got to law school and met many people who had much better reasons for being there than I did. I came up with reasons for going to law school. And more importantly, I really enjoyed law school and learned a lot form the experience. I have no regrets about going to law school. But that doesn't mean I don't have questions in life now about precisely what I want to do. The job I had over the past couple years taught me many things and helped answer some questions about just what I want to do and what I want in life, but it also created some new questions as well. As I ramble on about this I think that many of my questions are normal and just a part of life and "growing up" and facing this thing they call the real world. I think I'm just expressing some of these normal thoughts out loud, in a manner of speaking, for the first time in a while as I haven't really discussed the issue(s) at length with anyone. I think it's time to do something about that . . .
- club owning DJ/Bartender
- Photographer
- Executive Produce/Talent Scout for a record label
- Owner of a music store
- Lawyer
I can, somewhat ashamedly, admit that #5 was placed on that list simply because I knew I was going to law school without really knowing what I wanted to do in life. [As for the rest of that list, I'd say I've grown up about some of it and also refined some of the ideas behind certain entries.]
I think most people would be really happy to have found employment in one of their top 5 dream jobs. I found employment as #5, but it never really deserved to be there . . . and more generally, the entire list was somewhat youthful and confused. I didn't even have 5 things for the list at that time in my life.
And while most would find great joy in knowing that they work, or have worked, as one of the top 5 dream jobs, it's pretty tough to realize how far you are from any of those dream jobs. Some think dreams of rather childlike; we all need to grow up one day and get realistic about things. But is that really so? An old favorite quote of mine is a passage from James Baldwin's "Sonny's Blues," which reads
While there's on so much you can do with it, the only way to find this out is to try; to try and make it do everything.
Another favorite [one's the precise language escapes me right now] is that one should aim for the moon because even if u miss, u may still hit a star.
And so I'm left to wonder about when one should be realistic and now hold onto some of the dreams in life. Obviously, bills need to be paid and reality comes with its difficulties. But even as I grow older, I still find myself living in my head...a place of dreams and fantasies and things of all possibilities. Sometimes I worry that it's not a place to spend as much time in as I do.
**********
The answer to this entry's question is that I was looking for justification. I wanted a valid reason to go to law school . . . and to be honest I got to law school and met many people who had much better reasons for being there than I did. I came up with reasons for going to law school. And more importantly, I really enjoyed law school and learned a lot form the experience. I have no regrets about going to law school. But that doesn't mean I don't have questions in life now about precisely what I want to do. The job I had over the past couple years taught me many things and helped answer some questions about just what I want to do and what I want in life, but it also created some new questions as well. As I ramble on about this I think that many of my questions are normal and just a part of life and "growing up" and facing this thing they call the real world. I think I'm just expressing some of these normal thoughts out loud, in a manner of speaking, for the first time in a while as I haven't really discussed the issue(s) at length with anyone. I think it's time to do something about that . . .
**********
And now, the current Top 5 dream jobs, in no particular order and also without really knowing all there is to know about the stated profession(s):
but that's OK. life's about figuring it out. u can have all the dreams u want, u can even attain those dreams and think u know exactly what u want to be or to do in life . . . and then it can all change. it's all temporary i guess.
- artist [primarily a photographer but also a mixed-media artist]
- teacher/professor
- architect
- journalist
- . . .
but that's OK. life's about figuring it out. u can have all the dreams u want, u can even attain those dreams and think u know exactly what u want to be or to do in life . . . and then it can all change. it's all temporary i guess.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
why?
u ever wonder why the world is the way it is? i'm guessing we all wonder about it at some point, in one way or another. tonite i started wondering why it is that, as they say, bad things happen to good people...and also why good things happen to seemingly bad people.
maybe the more important question is: what are u going to do about it (with "it" being the way the world is). i mean, in some ways u can't do anything about the why, even if u understand it. but, we're taught to believe that we can do things about our current circumstances, whatever they may be. changing present circumstances can be difficult and exhausting tho...and it again begs the question of why some are able to do it with what seems to be more ease than others.
it makes me wonder about whether external forces play some role in everything or whether we really can just change things. for example, my present job situation. i need to find new work (and i'm ready to do so and really want to do so). but sometimes i wonder why something doesn't just fall into my lap. i've definitely heard of such things happening...and i've also heard of people lining things up with much more ease than i ever have in the past. this is just an example and not something i mean to belabor or whine about (i know that currently i need to put more effort into job hunting as i have been out of the country and taking things easier as a personal break for myself).
i think this topic can easily blur into one about religious beliefs...it's probably in part related to such beliefs. i'm comfortable with my religious beliefs and feel i've reached said comfort by first being brought up in a certain religion, then learning at least a little about different religious, and finally reaching a point of questioning things and establishing my own set of values and beliefs on religion in general...but after babbling about this for a paragraph, it's not really the direction i want to go in here.
...as usual, i don't really know where i want to go with this and am just jotting down whatever comes to mind. i'm coming to realize this space really is just the ramblings of an odd individual who sometimes gets inspired to write but then grows distracted. maybe that has something to do with the why of things in life and the world...haha.
the more and more i think about it, i feel that while the why does matter and is of importance and consequence, it's not determinative of outcomes and one needs to focus on what to do about one's circumstances. this is very difficult for me personally for a couple of reasons. first, i'm just curious and always feel like if i know why then i'll be better able to deal with whatever it is...it provides a sense of closure at times and comfort at others. the second reason is that oftentimes it's difficult for me to really motivate myself into action mode. usually i'm scared...scared because i don't really know what i'm doing or what step to take...scared of failure...scared to even admit that...and on top of all of that, part of me just hopes that if my intentions are there and they're good, then something good will just happen.
so, when good things happen to people, is it just something that happens or is it something they make happen? that's a more accurate question in terms of my nite's wonderings. my personal guess? it's a combination of the two...things do just happen and people also do certain things to either make things happen or put themselves in situations where things can happen.
maybe the more important question is: what are u going to do about it (with "it" being the way the world is). i mean, in some ways u can't do anything about the why, even if u understand it. but, we're taught to believe that we can do things about our current circumstances, whatever they may be. changing present circumstances can be difficult and exhausting tho...and it again begs the question of why some are able to do it with what seems to be more ease than others.
it makes me wonder about whether external forces play some role in everything or whether we really can just change things. for example, my present job situation. i need to find new work (and i'm ready to do so and really want to do so). but sometimes i wonder why something doesn't just fall into my lap. i've definitely heard of such things happening...and i've also heard of people lining things up with much more ease than i ever have in the past. this is just an example and not something i mean to belabor or whine about (i know that currently i need to put more effort into job hunting as i have been out of the country and taking things easier as a personal break for myself).
i think this topic can easily blur into one about religious beliefs...it's probably in part related to such beliefs. i'm comfortable with my religious beliefs and feel i've reached said comfort by first being brought up in a certain religion, then learning at least a little about different religious, and finally reaching a point of questioning things and establishing my own set of values and beliefs on religion in general...but after babbling about this for a paragraph, it's not really the direction i want to go in here.
...as usual, i don't really know where i want to go with this and am just jotting down whatever comes to mind. i'm coming to realize this space really is just the ramblings of an odd individual who sometimes gets inspired to write but then grows distracted. maybe that has something to do with the why of things in life and the world...haha.
the more and more i think about it, i feel that while the why does matter and is of importance and consequence, it's not determinative of outcomes and one needs to focus on what to do about one's circumstances. this is very difficult for me personally for a couple of reasons. first, i'm just curious and always feel like if i know why then i'll be better able to deal with whatever it is...it provides a sense of closure at times and comfort at others. the second reason is that oftentimes it's difficult for me to really motivate myself into action mode. usually i'm scared...scared because i don't really know what i'm doing or what step to take...scared of failure...scared to even admit that...and on top of all of that, part of me just hopes that if my intentions are there and they're good, then something good will just happen.
so, when good things happen to people, is it just something that happens or is it something they make happen? that's a more accurate question in terms of my nite's wonderings. my personal guess? it's a combination of the two...things do just happen and people also do certain things to either make things happen or put themselves in situations where things can happen.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
day of turkey & thanks
It's been a long time since I've done any blogging. I've got the easy excuse of the fact that I was traveling for a month, but even then I could have found the time and means to write a little something. And even before the trip it was possible to spend more time on this blog. But honestly, I felt uninspired for much of the time I wasn't writing. While away, I spent a fair amount of time thinking about writing and things to write about...hopefully I'll get to those topics shortly. But, today is the day of the great turkey, more commonly known as Thanksgiving.
So, what am I thankful for? Before I get to that, I'm going to admit that I had a slight panic attack of sorts yesterday as I became overwhelmed with figuring out aspects of my near future and my current life situation of not working. During said period of being overwhelmed I of course spent some time thinking and wondering about things and realized that, no matter the situation there's plenty of things to appreciate in life, especially with Thanksgiving and the holiday season going on.
And now, onto some of the many things I"m thankful for this year: my friends and family, the opportunity to spend a month traveling...and to be able to spend most of the time with my mom and a good amount with my brother (as well as a friend in London who was one of the more gracious hosts I've ever had). I'm thankful for the opportunity to meet a good number of new people during my trip...it's always nice to make new friends. I'm thankful that there are so many people back here who were happy to see me return and are such good friends in general. As a way of generally summing up what i'm thankful for, I'll say the following: I'm thankful for all that I have and the opportunity to see what tomorrow brings. I'm also thankful for the things I lack in life that I'm looking for, because it's important to have things to strive for in life.
I hope everyone has had or is having a fantastic, delicious and safe Thanksgiving. more writing to come soon...
So, what am I thankful for? Before I get to that, I'm going to admit that I had a slight panic attack of sorts yesterday as I became overwhelmed with figuring out aspects of my near future and my current life situation of not working. During said period of being overwhelmed I of course spent some time thinking and wondering about things and realized that, no matter the situation there's plenty of things to appreciate in life, especially with Thanksgiving and the holiday season going on.
And now, onto some of the many things I"m thankful for this year: my friends and family, the opportunity to spend a month traveling...and to be able to spend most of the time with my mom and a good amount with my brother (as well as a friend in London who was one of the more gracious hosts I've ever had). I'm thankful for the opportunity to meet a good number of new people during my trip...it's always nice to make new friends. I'm thankful that there are so many people back here who were happy to see me return and are such good friends in general. As a way of generally summing up what i'm thankful for, I'll say the following: I'm thankful for all that I have and the opportunity to see what tomorrow brings. I'm also thankful for the things I lack in life that I'm looking for, because it's important to have things to strive for in life.
I hope everyone has had or is having a fantastic, delicious and safe Thanksgiving. more writing to come soon...
Sunday, October 18, 2009
finally, some ramblings...
i think this has been my longest absence from this space since i began writing here...and as with all the other times a gap in writing takes places i feel pretty lame about it. the past few months have been pretty eventful and involved a lot of change and adjustment, but all in a good way. but in the rush, hubbub, and tumult of it all it's been all too easy to become lackadaisical...and not just with the blogging but all the responsibilities of daily and adult life.
in all honesty, at times it becomes a bit frightening. like terrifying. one way to look at it is to see it as a lack of "gumption" or ambition. it easily comes off as that...but i know that isn't the issue. it's more of an existential crisis of sorts, one where i'm at the stage of knowing many of the standards that have applied (or at least existed and seemed to apply) are in ways irrelevant now, but i'm frozen and unsure of just what to do.
leaving LA and a job that left me dissatisfied was the first step in attempting to deal with the realizations of life and actually a way of preemptively dealing with the paralysis. in a way, it accelerated the paralysis...but in a good way. it avoided or curtailed a period of denial, i guess.
anyway...these are just tonite's ramblings that may or may not lead to anything of substance. life's tough to figure out. i'm hoping that this week's trip to Greece will help figure a few things out...a bit cliche, maybe...but hey...u never know, right?
in all honesty, at times it becomes a bit frightening. like terrifying. one way to look at it is to see it as a lack of "gumption" or ambition. it easily comes off as that...but i know that isn't the issue. it's more of an existential crisis of sorts, one where i'm at the stage of knowing many of the standards that have applied (or at least existed and seemed to apply) are in ways irrelevant now, but i'm frozen and unsure of just what to do.
leaving LA and a job that left me dissatisfied was the first step in attempting to deal with the realizations of life and actually a way of preemptively dealing with the paralysis. in a way, it accelerated the paralysis...but in a good way. it avoided or curtailed a period of denial, i guess.
anyway...these are just tonite's ramblings that may or may not lead to anything of substance. life's tough to figure out. i'm hoping that this week's trip to Greece will help figure a few things out...a bit cliche, maybe...but hey...u never know, right?