for some time now i've been taking steps in an attempt to get myself to post more frequently. i consistently disappoint myself in these efforts but still i try. what i noticed last nite is that the frequency of posting was really at it's height the first few month after i started this blog. i don't know why, but it felt like i'd been posting at a more regular pace for a longer period of time.
as the two year anniversay of this blog approaches (just over a month to go), i find myself writing a little more and feeling more of an actual need to do so (if not an inspiration to spend some time writing). as with before, this increase in writing is prompted mainly from discontent with certain aspects of life (but not an overall and general unhappiness...don't worry).
the lesson from these realizations is that in many ways this blog is like personal therapy of sorts. it's a place to express random thoughts, feeling, and emotions and attempt to work thru and deal with some of these things. it's a space that acts like a journal in many ways and probably explains why the attempt at turning the blog into posting multiple items a day of random links and what not didn't last. plus, that' just a difficult task that is a job in its own right in many ways.
anyway...i grow distracted by the episode of iron chef i've got on the tele right now. off to veg out and chat online a bit.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
musical changes
so...i meant to go to sleep a while ago but that's clearly not happening. instead it seemed like it would be a good idea to sort thru the music on my computer and remove some stuff from my iPhone [ughhhh...i hate owning an apple product as many of my close friends like to tease me about this fact] that i don't really listen to or need on there. a few realizations:
- i've got a few albums that i really need to listen to in order to determine which song i really do and don't like on said albums [so i can thus make space in the 8 gbs i have.
- once again, an album by one of my favorite artists dropped without my knowledge...dagh! i have only myself to blame...what's up with me?
- i just bought said album thru amazon's mp3 store. it's the first album by this artist that i have not bought in CD format and to be honest i feel kinda funny about it. call me a purist or whatever [wouldn't i have to be into vinyl to really be a purist?], but there are certain albums/artists where owning the hard copy has some meaning to it. i was able to get the album for $8.99 tho...i'm sure it would cost around $16-$18 in store [if i could even find it there] as it's a double disc set and likely an import. ughhh...i guess in certain cases it's just nice to have a physical copy of things.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
the interesting topic of regret
over the years i know i've had discussions with close friends about regret. in our more youthful days [i.e., in our formative days] i remember many of them speaking of not living with regret. it's a fantastic mentality to have and definitely something to aspire to in life. but i find it hard to achieve in actuality.
it may just be something i experience and my close friends who i discussed the topic with don't struggle with. and it's not necessarily regret on my part. it's more a feeling of wishing i'd taken some different steps because i can see how various steps i did take got me to where i am now in many ways.
the story involve more than just steps taken...in fact it's more about steps not taken. sometimes it was out of a fear and uncertainty...a lack of belief in myself. other times it was holding on to something and hoping things would turn out differently than they in fact did. it's funny because sometimes steps weren't taken due to a naivete while other steps weren't taken based on a much too cynical view of things.
at the end of the day, i'm where i am...and it's a pretty good place. yet as the last few entries of substantive writing indicate, this good place is not the right place. today i tried to take a step towards figuring it all out, at least by seeking out some information on some of the possibilities that exist. it's a complicated mess in some ways...but maybe it's just because it's not yet the time to have some of these mysterious that make up life figured out. it's obviously possible that a time will come when it's clear that no matter the circumstances it's clear what needs to be done. but i'm not at that place [yet].
anyway...i'm exhausted from the past month of traveling and keeping busy...time for the first nite of going to sleep in my own apartment without any need to wake up for anything tomorrow since april. goooooooooooood nite!
it may just be something i experience and my close friends who i discussed the topic with don't struggle with. and it's not necessarily regret on my part. it's more a feeling of wishing i'd taken some different steps because i can see how various steps i did take got me to where i am now in many ways.
the story involve more than just steps taken...in fact it's more about steps not taken. sometimes it was out of a fear and uncertainty...a lack of belief in myself. other times it was holding on to something and hoping things would turn out differently than they in fact did. it's funny because sometimes steps weren't taken due to a naivete while other steps weren't taken based on a much too cynical view of things.
at the end of the day, i'm where i am...and it's a pretty good place. yet as the last few entries of substantive writing indicate, this good place is not the right place. today i tried to take a step towards figuring it all out, at least by seeking out some information on some of the possibilities that exist. it's a complicated mess in some ways...but maybe it's just because it's not yet the time to have some of these mysterious that make up life figured out. it's obviously possible that a time will come when it's clear that no matter the circumstances it's clear what needs to be done. but i'm not at that place [yet].
anyway...i'm exhausted from the past month of traveling and keeping busy...time for the first nite of going to sleep in my own apartment without any need to wake up for anything tomorrow since april. goooooooooooood nite!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
they don't dance no more?
as i've been sick the past few days, it's taken a little longer to get to this post about the long weekend up in SF. i must admit, the weekend involved a bachelor party for one of my good high school buddies and so some highlights are off limits and cannot be printed here or anywhere...that's just the way it is. all in all a great weekend and definitely worth the drive to and from SF...as well as the cold i caught during the weekend. and this is true even though the weekend involved no dancing on my behalf [aside from the random me dancing to whatever music happens to be playing whereever i happen to be]. highlights...
more and more i realize where i want to be, where i need to be, where i should be. i'm trying to find the focus to get there and make it happen...but even with all the reason in the world it is hard and terrifying in many ways to do. honestly, i just wish something would happen and it'd all be taken care of...but i think part of the hesitation relates to the fact that even tho i know where i want to be, there is one big thing i'm unsure of these days and that's just what i want to be doing while there. in some ways these are vague statements that can be read in very literal terms or much more metaphorical ones. i'd say that both interpretations are accurate in many respects.
the scary part is that not knowing aspect. a lack of sureness and really some sort of goal or plan in a way...something i feel i should have by now in many ways. a lot goes into these feelings and these thoughts...stuff that has never really been explored in this or any other blog of mine. in fact, some of these things have never been explored in any focused manner, aside from random musings and probably late nite talks with close friends. i wish i could go back to some of those conversations. the great talks u have with a close friend when u're sleeping over at each other's houses back in high school...where u're just talking before passing out.
but that's a digression and another of the many tangents in the world of Lou. the yearning for such times has more to do with the need to actually explore some of these feelings, concerns, emotions, etc. it's a need to figure some stuff out...even if maybe i just figure out that i need to be completely irresponsible. who knows. anyway...enough with the seriousness on the blog for tonite. i'm off to bed...where i'm sure i'll pass out thinking about much of what i'm writing about...but in more detail. g'nite world.
- finally getting to the open road
- time on the road with good tunes
- a table full of old friends [that's when the bachelor party began]
- the key under the mat
- the most comfortable sleeping situation ever
- early rising for golf
- miserable golfing conditions
- finally making it out to the course with good friends and playing the first full 18 in i don't know how long
- breaking in the new clubs [i sucked tremendously, especially with the new putter]
- trekking even further south for an awesome lobster sammich
- finally getting to see Ed...the guy housing me for the weekend
- the continuation of the bachelor party
- meeting up with Ed at the second lamest house party ever
- Ed's inability to find the hidden key at 4:30 am...even tho it was right there in front of him
- wine tasting in Sonoma and Napa
- JERKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- a quality burger
- Los, the women's bathroom, and "Sabrina, are you in here?" [one of the funniest things EVER]
- playing drinking games 'til 4 in the morning
- pizza shortly thereafter
- dim sum
- the lack of traffic on the road home
- Chevron french vanilla cappucino [mmm...sugary coffee-like stuff]
- getting to celebrate multiple occasions with friends
- finally getting home
**********
more and more i realize where i want to be, where i need to be, where i should be. i'm trying to find the focus to get there and make it happen...but even with all the reason in the world it is hard and terrifying in many ways to do. honestly, i just wish something would happen and it'd all be taken care of...but i think part of the hesitation relates to the fact that even tho i know where i want to be, there is one big thing i'm unsure of these days and that's just what i want to be doing while there. in some ways these are vague statements that can be read in very literal terms or much more metaphorical ones. i'd say that both interpretations are accurate in many respects.
the scary part is that not knowing aspect. a lack of sureness and really some sort of goal or plan in a way...something i feel i should have by now in many ways. a lot goes into these feelings and these thoughts...stuff that has never really been explored in this or any other blog of mine. in fact, some of these things have never been explored in any focused manner, aside from random musings and probably late nite talks with close friends. i wish i could go back to some of those conversations. the great talks u have with a close friend when u're sleeping over at each other's houses back in high school...where u're just talking before passing out.
but that's a digression and another of the many tangents in the world of Lou. the yearning for such times has more to do with the need to actually explore some of these feelings, concerns, emotions, etc. it's a need to figure some stuff out...even if maybe i just figure out that i need to be completely irresponsible. who knows. anyway...enough with the seriousness on the blog for tonite. i'm off to bed...where i'm sure i'll pass out thinking about much of what i'm writing about...but in more detail. g'nite world.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
lost and confused...
well...maybe not so much confused. but i definitely feel lost much of the time these days. i mean, i know where i'd like to be and where i'm trying to get to, in a general sense...but at the same time i'm unsure of exactly how to get there and all the details of where i'm trying to go.
it honestly feels like there's no one place i'm trying to get to and that any final destination i think of will be flawed in one way or another. obviously some will be less flawed than others...so there's that. but this nagging feeling is somewhat bothersome (hence the term nagging i guess).
in many ways, my theme song these days. i'm not going to whine about how "life's just not fair," but i definitely would say "i know my destination, but i'm just not there." and being in such a position, it's easy to see how and why some might say life isn't fair.
anyway...the moral of the story is that it's tough knowing a chance is needed but wondering just how much u can do about. it's easy to become impatient...to forget to simply focus on those things that are in your control. i guess after tackling those things, all u can do is figure out some of the things that remain unknown.
it honestly feels like there's no one place i'm trying to get to and that any final destination i think of will be flawed in one way or another. obviously some will be less flawed than others...so there's that. but this nagging feeling is somewhat bothersome (hence the term nagging i guess).
let me know,
do i still got time to grow
things ain't always set in stone
that bein' known, let me know
let me,
it seems like streetlights, glowin'
happen to be just like moments, passin'
in front of me
so, i hopped in the cab and
i paid my fare
see, i know my destination, but i'm just not there
all the street lights, glowin'
happen to be just like moments, passin'
in front of me
so, i hopped in the cab and
i paid my fare
see, i know my destination, but i'm just not there
in the streets
in the streets
i'm just not there
in the streets
i'm just not there
life's just not fair
it seems like streetlights, glowin'
happen to be just like moments, passin'
in front of me
so, i hopped in the cab and
i paid my fare
see, i know my destination, but i'm just not there
all the street lights, glowin'
happen to be just like moments, passin'
in front of me
so, i hopped in the cab and
i paid my fare
see, i know my destination, but i'm just not there
all the street lights, glowin'
happen to be just like moments, passin'
in front of me
so, i hopped in the cab and
i paid my fare
see, i know my destination, but i'm just not there
in the streets
in the streets
i'm just not there
in the streets
i'm just not there
life's just not fair
life's just not fair
in many ways, my theme song these days. i'm not going to whine about how "life's just not fair," but i definitely would say "i know my destination, but i'm just not there." and being in such a position, it's easy to see how and why some might say life isn't fair.
anyway...the moral of the story is that it's tough knowing a chance is needed but wondering just how much u can do about. it's easy to become impatient...to forget to simply focus on those things that are in your control. i guess after tackling those things, all u can do is figure out some of the things that remain unknown.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
makin' it happen...
i'm coming to realize that my friends are right. when it comes to the biggest "problem" in my life [i put it in quotes because it's not so much a problem but a circumstance that affords many opportunities but isn't exactly what i'm looking for in the grand scheme of things], u simply reach a point where u gotta do what u gotta do. u can complain, whine, hope for change, will it to be different all u want...but at the end of the day u gotta make it happen.
obviously there's a lot that's out of my control. today another friend told me to quit saying hopefully it'll happen and start saying it will happen. positive thinking, right? one of my close friends from back in the day was saying that u either care enough to do something about it or u don't; u get to a point where u get so fed up with things that u pretty much spend every free moment to make it different...or u up and just make it different without the assurances u may feel u need to make such a drastic change.
while i'm not at the latter point...i'm definitely more motivated than i have been in a long time. and while nothing may come of my efforts for some time, all u can do it keep at it and know that things will workout as they may and as they should. for now, it feels good to simply begin to see myself putting forth some effort without the hesistancy of previous times...
obviously there's a lot that's out of my control. today another friend told me to quit saying hopefully it'll happen and start saying it will happen. positive thinking, right? one of my close friends from back in the day was saying that u either care enough to do something about it or u don't; u get to a point where u get so fed up with things that u pretty much spend every free moment to make it different...or u up and just make it different without the assurances u may feel u need to make such a drastic change.
while i'm not at the latter point...i'm definitely more motivated than i have been in a long time. and while nothing may come of my efforts for some time, all u can do it keep at it and know that things will workout as they may and as they should. for now, it feels good to simply begin to see myself putting forth some effort without the hesistancy of previous times...
Sunday, May 10, 2009
two in a row...
I'm in the midst of a run of many weekends of travel and plans that started out last week with a trip to the City...and was followed by a trip to the City this past weekend. The main reason behind this trip was to get in some time with my brother, who is in SF for the week. As with all the trips, it was a good time full of great company and many laughs. The usual highlights below, followed by some thoughts sparked by events of last weekend and talks of this past one...
- no delays
- the girl who changed her entire outfit in the shuttle, while sitting right next to me
- a surprisingly solid burger from the Metro Caffe
- "Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeyit."
- a little old skoll Entourage "You'll never work again!!!"
- trying to find the magical bar on Geary
- Ruby Skye VIP style
- Peterade
- walking out the door to amazing weather and the perfect start to a great day
- dim sum
- lots and lots of walking...and some window shopping [and some actual shopping]
- the mailman shirt
- a slice from Blondie's
- realizing it would be cooler to watch hoops at a bar, as opposed to watching NBATV with no sound in the Bloomingdale's Men's Lounge
- tapas and sangria ["tapath and thangria"]
- "moosepaw"
- sparks up!
- catching up with my brother
- the Johnny Drama of the party
- blow the whistle...do doo doo do!!!
- sneakin' out [but getting caught]
- bootie mashup!
- the chocolate on Ed's shoulder
- the doods with their shirts off
- 3 separate departures
- brunch
- man date: move and SFMOMA
- sf burrito
- a ride to the airport from Los [thanks, bru.]
- getting to see the people i missed out on last weekend
- lots of good laughs
- quality time with friends and family
**********
I have previously written about my chameleon like nature...probably some time ago. I think that one of the side effects of such a nature is sometimes losing a hold on one's own identity in some ways. It's easy to see the different person one can be in different settings...and then wonder just who u really are at the end of the day [something I know others have wondered at times]...and more importantly in some ways whether anyone else knows who u really are.
Yet at the same time, sometimes u see the identity from those who do know u the best...and sometimes u don't like what u see. Personally, feeling misunderstand has long been correlated with my goofy sense of life. In many ways it's something I've grown accustomed to, but while I'd like to think it doesn't matter...it's still something that is meaningful. It's all the more meaningful when u feel those u are closest to don't understand don't understand.
As for recent events, what I'm coming to realize is that it's time for some change. Obviously, something easier said that done. It's difficult to really figure out where and how to begin. But I do know that some of the circumstances of life do play a role in things (e.g., living in one place and looking to get to another can make a person somewhat sour at times). It's easy to get trapped, thinking it's all too much. But all one can do is take one step and then another...
Once again it's time for change, or more accurately, growth. In finding a general sense of happiness and also comfort with the circumstances of life, it has become easy to get complacent. At the outset of this blog, I was in need of growth and certain change...I had a sense of focus and purpose. I think that was reflected in the writing I did at the time. Now I see that with time I've become a bit less than what I would like to be with myself. It is important to continue to strive for growth and to know that we can all make our improvements. Yet there is also a need to balance that with a sense of understanding of who you are as an individual and acceptance of that for all the good that it is...
Yet at the same time, sometimes u see the identity from those who do know u the best...and sometimes u don't like what u see. Personally, feeling misunderstand has long been correlated with my goofy sense of life. In many ways it's something I've grown accustomed to, but while I'd like to think it doesn't matter...it's still something that is meaningful. It's all the more meaningful when u feel those u are closest to don't understand don't understand.
As for recent events, what I'm coming to realize is that it's time for some change. Obviously, something easier said that done. It's difficult to really figure out where and how to begin. But I do know that some of the circumstances of life do play a role in things (e.g., living in one place and looking to get to another can make a person somewhat sour at times). It's easy to get trapped, thinking it's all too much. But all one can do is take one step and then another...
Once again it's time for change, or more accurately, growth. In finding a general sense of happiness and also comfort with the circumstances of life, it has become easy to get complacent. At the outset of this blog, I was in need of growth and certain change...I had a sense of focus and purpose. I think that was reflected in the writing I did at the time. Now I see that with time I've become a bit less than what I would like to be with myself. It is important to continue to strive for growth and to know that we can all make our improvements. Yet there is also a need to balance that with a sense of understanding of who you are as an individual and acceptance of that for all the good that it is...