over the years i know i've had discussions with close friends about regret. in our more youthful days [i.e., in our formative days] i remember many of them speaking of not living with regret. it's a fantastic mentality to have and definitely something to aspire to in life. but i find it hard to achieve in actuality.
it may just be something i experience and my close friends who i discussed the topic with don't struggle with. and it's not necessarily regret on my part. it's more a feeling of wishing i'd taken some different steps because i can see how various steps i did take got me to where i am now in many ways.
the story involve more than just steps taken...in fact it's more about steps not taken. sometimes it was out of a fear and uncertainty...a lack of belief in myself. other times it was holding on to something and hoping things would turn out differently than they in fact did. it's funny because sometimes steps weren't taken due to a naivete while other steps weren't taken based on a much too cynical view of things.
at the end of the day, i'm where i am...and it's a pretty good place. yet as the last few entries of substantive writing indicate, this good place is not the right place. today i tried to take a step towards figuring it all out, at least by seeking out some information on some of the possibilities that exist. it's a complicated mess in some ways...but maybe it's just because it's not yet the time to have some of these mysterious that make up life figured out. it's obviously possible that a time will come when it's clear that no matter the circumstances it's clear what needs to be done. but i'm not at that place [yet].
anyway...i'm exhausted from the past month of traveling and keeping busy...time for the first nite of going to sleep in my own apartment without any need to wake up for anything tomorrow since april. goooooooooooood nite!
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