what dancing should be...

Simple fact: I love dancing.  I dance at bus stops and on BART platforms while commuting and listening to my headphones.  I often struggle to resist the urge to move when I hear a good beat.  I don't kno exactly what it is about it that brign me so much joy but some of the happiest times in my life took place while I had a private dance party at home: blasting music when no one's around and just rocking out.  My friends and I will often go out and dance just for the sake of dancing....not to feel up on a girl or get some action. 

Dancing is fun.  One needn't be good at dancing...as long as u're loving it and having a good time.  At the same time, if u're truly bad at dancing it can be problematic.  A little while I got into a bit of trouble with a status message relating to how it can be a turnoff when a girl can't dance.  It was based on something specific, but critiquing one's dancing abilities can be a sensitive topic. 

My love of dance is best epitomized by my love of awesome bad dance movies.  They are my favorite genre of movies.  They are my favorite movies.  I hope one day that there will be a random choreographed dance routine in my life.  If so, I will die happy.

Anyway, the video below is what dancing should be all about...innocent fun and having a good time; showing off and respecting the sick moves of others.  Enjoy...

a Rolex i'd actually want...

via uncrate

Altho I respect Rolex as a watch maker, I'm not really a big fan.  Everytime I look at a Rolex I kinda just want to roll my eyes as I think of how so many see Rolex as the pinnacle of watches when it truly isn't.  Companies like Patek Philippe and Audemars Piguet [among others] make better watches...and a lot of people just don't realize that fact.  In the end, I just feel like Rolexes are kinda silly and overpriced...but that's just me.

But when I came across the Project X limited edition Rolex 'STEALTH' Sumbmariner MK IV [as well as the MK III] I finally came across something I could get down with.  Maybe it's my casual flair and maybe it's my general dislike for the over-the-topness of most Rolexes...but what Project X has done in simplifying and casualizing a Rolex just ends up be dope.  Stylish, classy...and yet at the same time undercover.

Only 28 of each edition [the MK III comes with an anti-reflective satin finish bezel while the MK-IV is the MATT black bezel pictured above] to be made, so hurry up and [try to] get yours here.

mini mini

In 1997 Paul Smith adorned a classic Mini Cooper with his hallmark pattern of stripes.  As I walked around Union Square last nite on my way to dinner I took a look in the Paul Smith store's window display and noticed an assortment of Mini Cooper themed items.  What immediately caught my eye was the die cast model pictured above [and below].  I'm not one for model cars but I immediately fell in love...no doubt in large part because I am a proud MINI Cooper S owner and hope to one day own a classic, old skool Mini [preferably with right-hand drive].

The Paul Smith Mini features 84 pinstripes in 24 different Paul Smith colors.  According to an interview in MINI International, there are probably around 500 Paul Smith Minis out and about.  The boot is lime green as are various parts of the interior.  Paul Smith didn't just design a Mini out of nowhere, he's owned an original one for a long time and also own a new MINI Cooper that he drives around London.  I'd love to get my hands on one of his Minis but I guess this model is the next best [and most realistic] thing.  Check below for a couple more fotos...

And get one here.

takin' it back...

the foood blog keeps getting most of my writing focus lately but after looking thru some old posts on this silly thing i decided last nite to take it back to the days when i posted random things i found interesting or funny or awesome or whatever else.  this blog has often served as an open journal of sorts, getting the most attention and words when something preoccupied my mind.  these days i of course thing about things now and again...but really living in sf is treating me well, mainly because i'm surrounded by so many people i'm super close to.  and so i tend to not have the serious, heavy things on my mind that are often eased by a little bit of writing.

without such topics, the writing here has fallen off a lot.  to try to get things up and running again i'm going somewhat old skool [for purposes of the blog at least] and gonna start posting items of interest like before.  and i'm gonna restart this endeavor with the video for one of my all time favorite song: "Rock Steady" by The Whispers.  straight out of the 80s, this song always makes me happy and the glory that is the video just makes it that much better...

weekend update - Tahoe and the snow

It's been a hot minute since I last wrote a weekend update entry...in part cuz I haven't gotten away for a weekend out of town in a while [aside from a Vegas trip in October that I really don't want to discuss...hahaha].  Anyway, a big part of this blog used to be me writing about weekends up in the Bay that I used and needed as getaways during my time living in LA.  I realize now that those weekends were crucial to me at the time and that they were even more important that I realized.  I left LA and a job behind, a decision I kno some don't fully understand or appreciate [which is fine] and at the time a lot of my talk focused on being unhappy with the job.  But the truth of the matter is, I needed to be back in the 'Sco...it's where I belong.  I needed to be closed to the friends I have here and begin to live the life that was right for me at that time and continues to be right to this day.  I'm not knocking LA or anyone I knew there...I truly enjoyed my time there and am happy about the decision to move there after law school.  I don't have any regrets about it...but it came time to move on and move back to the City that speaks to me.  So as much as the job situation frustrated me and truly did get me down in big ways, it was also important and vital that I get back to living the right life for me and doing what was best for myself.

Enough rambling about feelings re: the move back to the 'Sco and some personal realizations of late...on to the topic at hand:  the weekend.  Actually, back to the past for a second....the reason the trips to City from LA began was very specific and the simple fact was I needed to get away and get my mind of things.  As time wore on and I grew accustomed to changed circumstances, I continued to need to come up to get away from other things and just be close to the largest group of close friends I have in any one place.  Well, it's probably clear from the past few entries on this blog that stuff again weighs on me in life and so I really needed a weekend away.  A few weeks back some good friends of mine and I discussed going snowboarding and they all said this weekend they were free...so I shot out and email and we managed to arrange for 9 of us to meet in Tahoe [with a bunch of us crashing in Ed's awesome cabin] for a weekend of boarding, eating, and hanging out.

It was great to get away from the City and what troubles me for a minute.  Spending time with my friends is probably my favorite thing in the world [along with spending time with family].  It helped to just be away and get my mind off things and to just have a genuinely good time.  There are times in life where you simply have to distract yourself to avoid getting down.  I think my last post indicated I was getting past that point and I really do feel I am...and so it was good to simply and genuinely enjoy time with people I love.

It was also great to get in my second and third days of my boarding career.  Day 1 last February was not particularly amazing on my part but the two days this weekend were a huge improvement.  I'm definitely hooked on boarding and already can't wait to get back up to the mountain.  I'm still not great but it's nice to see some improvement and begin to get a feel for things.  There's some funny video of me boarding out there after this weekend...I'm looking forward to the laughs it will provide.  Now it's time to continue to accumulate the full compliment of gear so I can stop borrowing from peeps.

Boarding was great, the time with friends was fantastic, and it's also nice to be home...especially since I can barely move now and can't wait to just pass out in my own bed for the nite.  On the ride home I was worried that I'd simply come back to what troubles me and that the weekend away was just a temporary respite.  But it's times like this weekend where you get to be with people you love and who love you back and appreciate you that are what life is all about, at least for me.  I'm no island and I'd be lost without the important people in my life...I'm thankful and lucky to have them.  And while what weighs on me is obviously still something that matters to me...well, life's got its good and bad parts.  It's pretty much as simple as that.  Too much fun to be had...

Anyway, as tradition dictates, here are just a few of the highlights from the weekend [far too many good times and laughs were had to recap it all]...

• playing the parent to Ed & Swiyyah
• eating far too many Doritos [as planned]
• "When u're sliding into home and u feel ur butt foam, diarrhea."
• Me: "I will punch u in the face."
• Swiyyah in response: "I will punch YOU in the face."
• farting spiders and "aracnacrap"
• funny Ed
• singing along to Enrique when we didn't kno the words
• the constipated voice
• bunk beds
• Lethal Weapon
• actually riding down the mountain on the first run of the day
• me getting progressively worse throughout the day...at least until lunch
• Julie's words of snowboarding wisdom and actually getting better
• finally leafing
• the possible concussion [we're still not sure, hahaha]
• continually asking John to order more and more foood for us since he was already in line
• a fun post lunch set of runs with Dianna, each of which involved being exhausted riding up the lift and talking about how we could barely do another run and then getting to the bottom of the run and immediately deciding to go again
• hurting basically every part of my body
• the hot tub [AH-mazing!!!]
• tacos tacos tacos!!!
• playing a decent game of pool
• making a comeback against Ed in doing the Soulja Boy dance in Dance Central
• getting skooled by Swiyyah in Dance Central
• homemade ice cream sammiches
• randomly watching a bit of Crank
• waking up to fresh snow and Ed & I deciding we needed to board more
• putting chains on John's car [snowchains still don't make a lot of sense to a kid from Michigan]
• Doritos being the breakfast of champions
• riding on a little bit of powder
• the "Pure Jams" sing-a-long, especially Enrique round 2
• Kaskade
• road trippin' 
• meeting some new people
• all the pics, videos, and laughs
• quality time with some of my best and closest friends

Look for another weekend update in March at the latest as I plan on driving to LA for a good friend's wedding.  I miss that drive and the decompression and thought time it provides.

gettin' back to Lou

a coworker noted this afternoon that i was in a particularly good mood, rather happy and chipper.  it was a bit of surprise to her because as she's gotten to kno me over the last handful of weeks i've been admittedly a little bummed and mentally preoccupied....or as she put it depressed and obsessive, hahaha.  my mind has definitely raced lately and i have felt rather down for more time than i usually ever do.  it was funny because i pointed out to my coworker that i'm usually a rather happy-go-lucky person who really enjoys life and cherishes the good times and good people in it...this news surprised her.

later in the day i met up with one of my best friends from growing up and seeing such a familiar face reminded me that i've spent enough time being down and it's time to get back to being myself and appreciating the good friends in my life.  hard times will come in life and what brought me down is a situation that in no way is any better than before...but it's not worth changing who i am.  obviously it will involve plenty of thinking and other down times...it's just time to get back to being myself because i'm tired of not being me.

i've written about how during college and law school, when studying for exams i'd always reach a point (usually late the nite before or early the morning of an exam) where i just took my pile of notes or outline and plopped it down on my desk and said to myself: i'm over it.  i can't say i'm necessarily at that point now and i am sure i'll fall back into a bummer out state at times but i'm over not being who i am.  so hopefully this is some sort of turning point...all i kno now is i can't wait to get out of town for the weekend with some great friends and go hurt myself snowboarding...haha.

random

i honestly have nothing important to say.  i just feel a silly urge to write here as if to clear my mind tho the thinking of late leaves me in a pretty constant haze and at the same time has resulted in some feeling of clarity and happiness about things...a funny dynamic to say the least. 

i could easily ramble about things i used to ramble about and the various emotions and thoughts some of life's current circumstances bring about.   in the past it was actually somewhat necessary tho also likely equally inappropriate at the same time.  i kinda forget that [a few] people actually read this thing and while i never called anyone out for anything or named names or straight up discussed some of the things bothering me in life, it was pretty clear what was on my mind to anyone who knew me well at all [i.e., the few people who might read these silly ramblings].  And so as much as i might want to say certain things here,  i've learned to refrain...that and to be honest i wouldn't even kno what to say at this point.

i dunno...life's funny.  Lately I've caught myself saying, typing, or thinking that "life happens."  i kinda just threw it out there originally but it's much more apropos than just some phrase tossed around...as much as we may plan our lives out or expect things to be a certain way, sometimes life just happens to u and things change.  It's not always what u might want but it's sometimes what u need, what's best, and i think if u're lucky and open-minded and strong enough, u at the least adjust to it and find your happiness with the aspects of life that happen.  Life's twists and turns are funny and interesting...the number of unexpected things i've experienced that i could detail kinda amazes me and often makes me laugh or at least smile.

But yea...life happens.  i think one of the biggest examples of this is something i discussed with one of my best friends from growing up, Al, a couple weeks back when he was in the 'Sco.  Sometimes people come into your life and just have a crazy impact on u...it's hard to explain, it can be difficult to justify, but it happens.  And sometimes u just end up left there to kinda be like "WTF?"  Haha...u don't expect it, u don't see it coming, and then BOOM!  Life happens in all kinds of other ways, from job things to winning the lotto [my mom so owes me $10 million in 80's money] to friendships to any and everything else.  So I guess while a plan is important, flexibility is key too.

And now is when i reach the point discussed in the last emotion in this article my friend Swiyyah posted on fb.  What the hell am i writing about and why?  i'm far too lazy to go back and edit this goofy ass post...but yea, i'm definitely sitting here wondering just what it is i'm doing and feeling somewhat self-conscious about it all.  But these are my ramblings and here they are for anyone to amuse, entertain, or bore him/herself with...

a reminder about music

music moves me. literally [i often can't help but dance when i hear certain music] and emotionally [things like getting chills or goosebumps or just feeling emotions].  it is one of the greatest things in this world, in my opinion.  music has always been there for me in tough times and i feel i've learned a lot thru music over the years [as silly as that may sound to some].

today, music hit me in the face and the heart again and on multiple occasions.  from a friend sending me a clip from the season of The Sing-Off that ended tonite to me searching for videos of one of my best friends singing a cappella in his college days to another dear friend sending me highly applicable and funny youtube videos knowing some of what's on my mind these days to finding a few videos of songs that really hit me to watching the finale of The Sing-Off...today was full of musical moments that reminded me just how important music is to me.  it's not really something i ever forget but it is something i sometimes overlook or that escapes my mind.

i think the answers to all of life's questions can be found in music.  my friend Swiyyah and i discussed this today and she agrees with me tho i'm sure many don't.  even if the answer is simply finding what u need at that specific moment in time, it's there in music.  it's funny because sometimes u need to hear one thing and other times u need to hear the opposite, but u can find both answers in music.  while it may not be a lasting feeling, during any of the difficult times in life music has always been able to makeme feel better, for at least some portion of time.

i often wish others could hear that i hear and feel what i feel...it's one of the biggest gaps/disconnects i feel between myself and others.  it feels hard to explain but really is a straightforward concept.  i'm sure one part of it is the literal differences between each individual when it comes to perception.  but still, for some reason i'm waiting for some song to resonate in someone else the same way ti does for me.  it's a silly thing to thing about but maybe it's one of the things that will finally click with the alleged "one," but that's an entirely different concept.  anyway, it's part of why i enjoy sharing music with people...to hopefully give someone something they like and that can be meaningful to that individual.

anywho...i'm sure to pass out listening to some music tonite...

lost ways and confusion

i started this last nite and definitely FAILed at completing it.  blogging during the daylight hours is a bit of a rarity for me, but i've got time on my hands since i'm home for the holidays right now and figure why not try to clear up some of the things on my mind.  so, in part from last nite and in part from right now, here goes...


u kno that whole too much thinking topic of recent (let's be honest, not too recent) blog posts?  sadly, it continues.  what's worse is my general confusion about some of the topics that run thru my head only grows worse.  being caught up in thought has really exhausted me recently, it takes a physical toll on me.  how sad is that?  thinking is apparently that hard for me, hahaha.

actually, the reason it's so tiring is that it tends to consume me in a way...or more accurately these things stay on my mind even as i do and think about other things.  it's like this ever present gnawing or something.  i'm tired of it.  the problem is, i don't know what to do about some of it; there are no clear or quick answers about these things.

well, i think there are definitely some quick answers but long term they offer nothing helpful.  aside from tiring me and being difficult things to sort out, what i really don't like is the effect all this stuff is having on the person i'm being to others.  i'm acting out of character or at times like a crappy version of myself and that is particularly troublesome.  it's not a lot of fun to make the realization that u're not living up to the standards and ideals u set for yourself but it's important to see it when it happens.  if anything, that realization wears on me more than any of the things i worry about or ponder in life.


it's the fact that over-thinking things leads to situations like this that i find times when i think a lot troubling or worrisome.  i think the lesson to be learned is to just figure out ways to shut my brain off at times, distract myself, and just let things be [a lesson someone first taught me a long, long time ago and that i apparently need a refresher course on].  with my thinking i often get in my own way and more importantly i lose it.  that's much of what i feel at times right now...lost and confused.  but at the same time, as my brother pointed out to me a while ago, u can't think in such grand terms but rather only take small steps.  it's time to take some of those smaller steps and build towards something more...

it seems that blogging, as foolish as this thing is, is one of the small steps.  it provides a time and place to actually think concretely and to actually express things and begin to figure some stuff out.  as self-important and ridiculous as i'm sure this entire blog sounds, it's a therapeutic space for me as well and one i hopefully continue to find time for in life.

thoughts, emotion, and logic...

It's one of the rare times in life where I'm doing for too much thinking.  There's some pretentious interpretation of that statement I'm sure but I can guarantee u that there is nothing earth-shattering being discovered in my mind.  Instead I'm just trapped inside of my own head, unwilling if not unable to turn my brain off and just stop.  I hate when this happens and I hate that it's such a struggle for me to distract myself when I know for many others it isn't...or at least they make it seem easier.

I was talking to my best friend yesterday, discussing life's events and some of my frustrations, in particular at certain emotions I'm feeling when logically speaking I know better.  He pointed out that most people are either very logical/rational or very emotional.  He then noted that I'm some weird mix of the two: often temporarily ruled by emotion, logic always catches up for me and a balanced mindset is usually reached.  It's frustrating to sit here and know things logically or rationally but feel something else on an emotional level and it kinda makes me feel like a giant idiot.  Why not just let the logic dictate?  But for me I guess it's the brain and the heart [i.e., logic and emotion] battling things out until I can [hopefully] find that balanced point.

What's odd is that I sometimes worry if I don't want to let the feelings or emotions cede when I could.  I don't think that's really the case and it's just the logical side of me being confused about why I may feel whatever I may feel...but who knows.

Anyway...of all the things on my mind, the general theme is one of stabilizing my life in many ways.  The last almost 16  months since leaving LA have been absolutely amazing.  I in no way regret the decision to leave my old job and take a giant, somewhat irrational step with my life to get to a happier place [I get that some people don't understand it].  At the same time, it's time to really buckle down to begin to accomplish the goals I do have in life.  It's like I'm saying, "Lou, it's time to grow up," but I hate that terminology for some reason.  I said something along those lines to my brother this past summer when I was in NYC and his response was "what, u of the Peter Pan syndrome?"  So yes, there is some part of me that honestly must fight for the kid in me and everyone else.  In that sense, it will never be time to grow up.  At the same time, there's a time and place for seriousness, determination, responsibility, and other grown up sounding things.  This is not to say I've been a child for the past 16 months.  I took a step that I felt was necessary in life and it was a step along a winding road that I'm sure time will show was necessary to achieve whatever comes in the future.  But know, it's time to start taking some more steps...

How did it already get to be almost 11?  I was ready to pass out around 8, hahaha.

drafts...

i just deleted an attempt at a post.  in so doing, i noticed a handful of other draft posts on this blog that i never completed or couldn't ever get myself to complete/post.  it's funny that only in rather introspective times do i feel like i can write anything of much merit on this blog.  my guess is that such a feeling is erroneous but whenever i try to post other thoughts or observations i feel a funny sense of triviality to any contribution i might make to the world.

anyway, i find myself thinking a bit more these days.  thinking about a variety of things and wondering what it really takes to figure out life.  i think i need this time of just getting by and wandering a bit...but i am also realizing i need to begin to take some more proactive steps towards some concreteness (i guess that's the word to use).  funny thing about this world is how it grows more and more specialized and focused...thus requiring more and more precise experience to really get to any job.  it feels harder and harder to start to get to that concreteness i guess.  i'm not sure what i'm rambling about right now and i'm not sure where my head is really at...which i think is kinda what bothers me.

the things i find myself thinking about are actually rather confusing to me.  in talking about one of these topics with a close friend today, she pointed out that life is just confusing sometimes.  it was how i opened the conversation and i found amusement in the fact that it was kinda her concluding point too.  but she was right...and sometimes all u can do is try to make your way thru the confusion until u can figure things out or things sort themselves out.

i guess the overarching question is whether or not it's a bad thing or dangerous to just simply enjoy life and it's experiences without necessarily building towards something grander (or, on some level, really sorting out all the confusion).  i'm simply enjoying the life i'm leading these days but i can't say it's building towards some future of a prolific or extended career in anything; i can't say i'm saving or working towards buying a house or starting a family or anything along those lines...things generations past would likely be far ahead of me on at this time in life.  but is that how it works now?  should it be?  was it really how it worked then and did it have to be that way?

too many questions, too few answers.  too much thinking and too much thinking in overly grand terms.

it's time to push tonite's load of laundry on to my chair to be folded tomorrow, balance out the day with some music, and pass out.  u may have won this round tuesday...but tomorrow is wednesday.

individualism.

In life, we encounter situations where we need advice with respect to our interactions with other people, be it boyfriends/girlfriends, love interests, friends, family, roommates, coworkers, and so on.  I've often asked for advice; I've often been asked for advice.  Time and time again, the conclusion I tend to reach is that everyone is different: we're all our own individuals. 

I guess the situation is a bit different when you know the person asked about...but even then it's easy to see that the way I or any of my friends might do something or handle a situation is not necessarily the same as the person in question.  What people think is the right course of action, what people expect, what people want...even the way people perceive things is highly individualized.  I think the fact that we're all our own individuals is reflected in the fact that when seeking out the advice of others you come across a variety of opinions, ideas, and thoughts.

I was talking about this with my friend Lisa today and she pointed out what was kind of the missing step for me in my thought process and reflection on the whole matter: it's comforting to hear the various opinions of others.  On top of that, I think we tend to seek out the ideas, opinions, suggestions, beliefs, or whatever of people that are reassuring.  As much as sometimes you need to hear what might be the bitter truth about a situation, sometimes you also just need to hear something hopeful or maybe hear what u want to hear.

But I guess as much as individuality exists, we are also influenced by one another and our various experiences in life.  I mean, our individuality is really made of a number of things outside of us as individuals...if that makes any kind of sense.  We learn from and through each other...and also define who we are in the process.

In the end, it's just funny to me when I'm asked for advice about some things, because I feel like people differ in how they handle things...and I often feel like I approach things in a way different [tho likely not (any) better] than others.  And it's funny to ask for advice and get the various qualifiers and disclaimers.  But I think we tend to get what it is that we need or that helps us handle and understand each situation...whether it's actually right or wrong.

So I guess I'd like to end this long overdue, typically random rambling by thanking all those who have given me advice over the years...and hopefully I've returned the favor or given someone some decent advice along the way.

hello again...

Ha...it's been a long time.  I think this is probably the longest absence from personal blogging since I started this foolish endeavor.  I spent a few minutes the other day looking back at some old posts on here and was left with the feeling that my writing really seemed somewhat self-important.  Maybe that's just what blogging of this nature is about, it really is like an open journal.  At the very lest, I can admit that some of the writing on this space included topics and feelings I should have kept to myself...but oh well.  Even so, as with other times, looking back at what I write tends to make me feel somewhat foolish.  Haha.

And so, faced with this grand absence and odd feeling, I'm left with the question of where does this blog go from here?

I considered shutting this thing down completely.  My food blog is the primary place for my writing these days, aside from my journal.  The music blog is also getting severely neglected.  And to be honest, it's a bit terrifying [if not sometimes embarrassing] to be as open here as I am at times.  But even with these considerations, I don't want to close this space.

Somewhat ironically, I started working on this post in the middle of a long weekend, one in which I made a road trip back to Los Angeles, the place where I did most of my writing on this blog.  And so my plan is to  return to this blog with a combination post of me rambling about my life while also providing one of the many weekend updates I used to provide from my weekend jaunts to the City.  On to my ramblings...

I'm tired.  I spend too much time and energy thinking about something I can't really do much about.  Working 10+ hour days reviewing documents is tiring in its own way, but the amount of energy that goes into the thinking I'm doing on top of it leads me to come home and collapse some days...with epic naps ensuing.  I'm sure this sounds stupid, but things weighing on the mind can be exhausting because I tend to devote a lot of energy to the thinking and feelings associated with it. 

I think part of the problem is that I've lacked a chance to just decompress and work through some of the thoughts and emotions.  When I lived in LA I used to just completely shut down and stay home when I needed it.  I'd veg out, eat, sleep, do whatever I really needed to get right...living in SF with so many friends and such great roommates it's a lot easier to keep busy and occupy my time.  This is a total blessing and I am in no way complaining about it.  I feel so lucky to have the friends I do and I'm so happy I'm living with and near so many of them.  But I do realize that sometimes we all need a little time to ourselves.  The ability to spend time on my own and be very comfortable with it was probably the greatest lesson I learned during my second stint in Los Angeles.  What I'm learning now is that not only do I need to be capable of spending time in that way, it's something I need to do at times.  Ironically, a road trip back down to LA provided me with the time and space I really needed to decompress a bit and hopefully start to get past some of what weighed my mind down recently.

Speaking of Los Angeles and irony, I continue to find something appealing about the place.  I feel the city is like some of the women who have been a part of my life in one way or another: it's something I'm drawn to and really enjoy but at the end of the day isn't right for me.  I'm sure that sounds bad but it's really just a simple case of two things not fitting together properly and is not a shot at Los Angeles or any woman who has played any role in my life.  It's more a shot at me and my inability to really figure myself and my life out.

anyway, the traditional list of weekend highlights...

• cutting out of work early
• the King of Thai prediction
• Rockit Room and Hastings friends
• Ed & Ed
• picking songs on the jukebox
• free Jose Cuervo shots & shot glasses
• the reserved sign
• King of Thai late nite leftovers
• going back to Rockit to close Ed's tab
• I Love You, Man
• sleeping in
• catching some of the highlights of what I was missing at work on Saturday
• USA soccer
• perfect weather in SF
• sitting outside du soleil
• eating tomato on my sandwich for the first time
• a beer with friends at du soleil
• the funny parking wait near AT&T park
• going to a Giants game with friends
• going to a Giants game for free
• going to a Giants game and upgrading our seats for free
• going to a baseball game and eating a hot dog
• red velvet cupcakes with no frosting
• eating a bacon wrapped hot dog after eating a hot dog at the Giants game
• the drive to LA
• McDonald's road trip food
• Audrey & Ken's wedding [congrats!]
• getting a full nite's sleep
• the triumphant return to La Taquiza and the new 10 taco record
• meeting up with old friends on the way out of town
• company via phone during the road trip back to the 'Sco
• some more King of Thai
• time to decompress on the road

opportunities and going back in time...

i'm not going to lie, i've often wanted to go back in time and change certain things. that's in direct contradiction to many things i've written on this blog...but just because i at times wish for things doesn't mean i actually would if i could...altho maybe i would. my point is more that i think any sense of regret or any desire to go back is out of a feeling that an opportunity was missed.

obviously, u cannot know what is to come at the time of any encounter or experience. no one says foresight is 20/20 and people say things happen for a reason. part of life is the figuring out the reason and learning through hindsight. yet sometimes i think back on choices and decisions i made, actions i took and wonder about the multitude of different outcomes...it's natural to wonder what a different course of action would have lead to if taken.

it's important to not get caught up thinking about whether u're wasting an opportunity...else it's all too easy to get frozen, so to speak. i'm a firm believer that all a person can do is try their best. while there are of course caveats and exceptions, i think it's a general proposition that rings true. personally, that's all i think i could ever ask of a person [well, not really ask...but hopefully u get what i'm saying.

anyway, writing last nite was definitely a therapeutic process...it definitely helped with some of what was on my mind in the past few days. the question of what i'm going to do with myself and the more pressing matter of finding a job are still looming and rightfully so. hopefully i can deal with them in a better manner as time passes and hopefully i can actually do something about both. obviously i wonder about the opportunities that await me...and i wonder what i'll do with them and also what opportunities will present themselves. and while some thing u must go out and make things happen, i think there's also some amount that is outside our control...but that's no excuse for not being prepared for what the future may hold.

re:definition

i find myself doing more thinking than i'd like lately. don't get me wrong, thinking is generally a good thing...i guess it's more what i think about and where it leads me.

laying in bed a few days before coming back to san francisco from Ann Arbor, i found myself restless and overly contemplative. it reminded me of the many nites before making the decision to leave LA where i stayed up well beyond late for no reason at all...i simply lacked any desire to sleep. finding myself laying awake like that after moving was somewhat unsettling but also made sense in more ways than one.

a few days later i was at the airport, sad to be leaving home and saying bye to my parents yet also looking forward to getting back to my other home here in san francisco. i ended up giving up my seat on my flight for what eventually turned out to be a $400 travel voucher as well as a free upgrade to first class on a flight later that evening. i was walking around the airport with the biggest, dumbest smile on my face when i realized i needed to walk around with a goofy smile more often because [aside from the awesome bonuses of a $400 travel voucher and free first class] there is much to be thankful for and happy about in life. why focus on the negatives when there are plenty of great positives? and why have i been doing so lately? i mean, the delicious burger i had for lunch was reason enough to consider the day a win, forget the travel perks. i felt that i wasn't being myself by finding negativity and worry and frankly some grouchiness in life.

yet it's been a struggle to get back to doing me even after the move back to the 'sco this past fall. even after enjoying a great flight in first class i found myself somewhat lost a few days later. and even as i write this i find myself taking myself too seriously. but i think that's one of the functions of this blog: it's a place to focus in that manner and hopefully work through some things.

i think one of the realizations of the past couple weeks is that i'm ready for more in life...at least on some fronts. i'm ready to really redefine myself and while that desire at first comes as one with the hopes of possibly showing the better side of myself to those around me, it's actually more of something i need to do for myself and not anyone else. it's just a personal desire to consistently improve and grow...so i can hopefully do more for those i care about and who are important to me. i came across someone discussing a quote to the effect that other peoples' opinions of you are none of your business [i think it was on the quotes/trivia section of Rachel Bilson's imdb page...very random]. my first inclination is to point out that the opinions of those close to you and who know you are very important and very much your business. but, as i've learned through experiences and discussions with many, u can't really be someone for anyone else...u can only be the person u are for yourself. u can only do u.

this leads somewhat naturally into my next topic of thought: people. people amuse me and more importantly confuse me. i think we need more honesty in interacting with others. not necessarily in a blunt or rude fashion. but in a polite, truthful. non-misleading sense. we shouldn't be afraid to be honest with people, i guess...not that i'm not guilty of being afraid to tell people things. but some of the things people say and do just make no sense to me...yet i'm realizing that things don't have to make sense, not all of the time. everyone is an individual; an individual that is the result of endless circumstances and influence and experiences. at times all u can do is just let it be what it is...

yet it does lead to some situations where i'm left wondering just what to do...what's the appropriate course of action or way of handling things...and i find myself regressing to some silly behavior and emotions that don't help the situation at all. and this is what really ties into the point i reached earlier: all u can do is be you, do you...and let what happens happen. people either get u or they don't...obviously it's important to try to be the best version of u that u are capable of being, but if u do that...well, there's nothing left to do beyond just that. what people will think of u and how they will react is something u cannot control or really worry too much about, as long as u're doing what's right.

so back to being ready for more...at first i felt like i wanted more. it was almost a feeling of loneliness. but it's clear now that after spending the past 3 plus years feeling incapable of committing to something substantial [be it in personal relationships or even more on the work front], i really am ready for something of substance. you can't go looking for it tho...and many say it's when u least expect things that they happen [and that's rung true on multiple occasions for me]. but it's different feeling a little more prepared for [or possibly open to] the right thing coming along and something serious or substantial coming of it. it's a different perspective.

and i think what all this overthought of late relates to is the question of just what am i going to do with my life and exactly what am i ready for. big, terrifying questions. i think the root any discontent of late is related to the more general confusion and apprehension about life's many mysteries. but u can't question it too much...and for now i'm going to try to enjoy the ride and figure out the some of the smaller things...that and go absorb myself in some music.

**********

before calling it a nite on the rambling front, i think it's interesting how much we assume to know people or judge people. i'm definitely guilty of it and can think of a pretty recent instance of being this way about someone. and i'm annoyed with myself for it. as i indicated earlier, people are a result of so many different factors and are so layered as individuals. what may not make sense to me or may not be right for me is not necessarily bad or wrong...it just is. we're each on a path in life, some of our paths cross and overlap for extended periods and sometimes neither of those things happens. i like to think we meet the people we do for a reason, sometimes significant and other times not. oddly, u often don't know what role a person will play in your life until later on. but it's interesting to meet the people we do and i think it's important to not brush anyone off as irrelevant or something negative. i'm struggling to articulate what i'm saying, so i'll stop for now.

a new year...a new decade

After taking a look back at what I wrote as 2008 came to a close, here I am wondering what to write now that another year has passed. It only feels appropriate to start the new year off with a little writing and also tackle the yearly tradition of reflecting on the year that was and thinking about goals for the year to come.

The past year involved a lot of change with the most obvious example being moving from Los Angeles back to San Francisco. But even before that there was a lot of changing brewing. Some of it for the worse: I came to see that my disgruntlement with my situation in Los Angeles was effecting who I was as a person. I think there's still some room to grow up in some ways on this stuff too.

The year also involved some changes in close friendships...which I guess is part of what happens with friendships over time. It's not always easy and some of the bumps along the road comprised the more difficult aspects of this past year. Yet at the same time, some friendships changed and grew for the better.

I think this brief amount of reflecting shows how the year came with highs and lows, which I'm sure it true for most. My approach is to just learn what I can from the experiences and be thankful for them because our experiences shape us into who we each are as people. I can't say I'd be where I am today in life without both the good and the bad experiences and events to date...but obviously the positives outweighing the negatives is the hope and ideal.

Anyway, 2009 was a year in which I think I began to learn and understand many things. At the same time 2009 unearthed many questions that still need answers and shows that there is room for growth and improvement. And I think that will always be true in life. In the end, each new year's resolutions are about answering some of life's questions and growing and improving as much as one can. After listing some broader goals for myself at the end of 2008, I think I'll try to start 2010 off with a short list of goals that are somewhat more narrower but not necessarily as specific as traditional New Year's Resolutions...

• continue to spend as much time with family and friends, enjoying their company and learning from them
• develop my love for food...in terms of cooking more and also finding a better balance in what i eat
• slow down [this likely makes sense to no one]

2010 is a new year and a new decade and an opportunity to do a lot of good and figure more of life out. I hope everyone had a fun, wonderful, and safe New Year's Eve and is already off to a great start to the new year!

just what, exactly, was i thinking?

I was cleaning my room recently and came across an old journal type book I've had since college. I knew what was in it and felt that the opening pages [lists of "Top 5s"] could be pulled out and thrown away. I knew they were outdated. Skimming thru some of the lists, one caught my attention and got me to stop and read through it: Top 5 . . . Dream Jobs. In he words of my younger, foolish college self:

1. club owning DJ/Bartender
2. Photographer
3. Executive Produce/Talent Scout for a record label
4. Owner of a music store
5. Lawyer

So, as tonite's entry asks, what was i thinking?

I can, somewhat ashamedly, admit that #5 was placed on that list simply because I knew I was going to law school without really knowing what I wanted to do in life. [As for the rest of that list, I'd say I've grown up about some of it and also refined some of the ideas behind certain entries.]

I think most people would be really happy to have found employment in one of their top 5 dream jobs. I found employment as #5, but it never really deserved to be there . . . and more generally, the entire list was somewhat youthful and confused. I didn't even have 5 things for the list at that time in my life.

And while most would find great joy in knowing that they work, or have worked, as one of the top 5 dream jobs, it's pretty tough to realize how far you are from any of those dream jobs. Some think dreams of rather childlike; we all need to grow up one day and get realistic about things. But is that really so? An old favorite quote of mine is a passage from James Baldwin's "Sonny's Blues," which reads

While there's on so much you can do with it, the only way to find this out is to try; to try and make it do everything.

Another favorite [one's the precise language escapes me right now] is that one should aim for the moon because even if u miss, u may still hit a star.

And so I'm left to wonder about when one should be realistic and now hold onto some of the dreams in life. Obviously, bills need to be paid and reality comes with its difficulties. But even as I grow older, I still find myself living in my head...a place of dreams and fantasies and things of all possibilities. Sometimes I worry that it's not a place to spend as much time in as I do.

**********

The answer to this entry's question is that I was looking for justification. I wanted a valid reason to go to law school . . . and to be honest I got to law school and met many people who had much better reasons for being there than I did. I came up with reasons for going to law school. And more importantly, I really enjoyed law school and learned a lot form the experience. I have no regrets about going to law school. But that doesn't mean I don't have questions in life now about precisely what I want to do. The job I had over the past couple years taught me many things and helped answer some questions about just what I want to do and what I want in life, but it also created some new questions as well. As I ramble on about this I think that many of my questions are normal and just a part of life and "growing up" and facing this thing they call the real world. I think I'm just expressing some of these normal thoughts out loud, in a manner of speaking, for the first time in a while as I haven't really discussed the issue(s) at length with anyone. I think it's time to do something about that . . .

**********

And now, the current Top 5 dream jobs, in no particular order and also without really knowing all there is to know about the stated profession(s):

1. artist [primarily a photographer but also a mixed-media artist]
2. teacher/professor
   
3. architect
4. journalist
5. . . .

it's kinda funny that, altho revamped and rethought, i still struggle to fill out position #5 [this is actually nothing new for me as i often struggle to complete lists like these for reasons beyond me]. some sick, foolish, funny part of me wants to put something relating to the law. it would be a truer statement now than it was a handful of years back when i wrote out that original list. but i don't think i could put something like that in good conscience right now simply because, even if turns out to be true, i'm yet to really properly define it.

but that's OK. life's about figuring it out. u can have all the dreams u want, u can even attain those dreams and think u know exactly what u want to be or to do in life . . . and then it can all change. it's all temporary i guess.

why?

u ever wonder why the world is the way it is? i'm guessing we all wonder about it at some point, in one way or another. tonite i started wondering why it is that, as they say, bad things happen to good people...and also why good things happen to seemingly bad people.

maybe the more important question is: what are u going to do about it (with "it" being the way the world is). i mean, in some ways u can't do anything about the why, even if u understand it. but, we're taught to believe that we can do things about our current circumstances, whatever they may be. changing present circumstances can be difficult and exhausting tho...and it again begs the question of why some are able to do it with what seems to be more ease than others.

it makes me wonder about whether external forces play some role in everything or whether we really can just change things. for example, my present job situation. i need to find new work (and i'm ready to do so and really want to do so). but sometimes i wonder why something doesn't just fall into my lap. i've definitely heard of such things happening...and i've also heard of people lining things up with much more ease than i ever have in the past. this is just an example and not something i mean to belabor or whine about (i know that currently i need to put more effort into job hunting as i have been out of the country and taking things easier as a personal break for myself).

i think this topic can easily blur into one about religious beliefs...it's probably in part related to such beliefs. i'm comfortable with my religious beliefs and feel i've reached said comfort by first being brought up in a certain religion, then learning at least a little about different religious, and finally reaching a point of questioning things and establishing my own set of values and beliefs on religion in general...but after babbling about this for a paragraph, it's not really the direction i want to go in here.

...as usual, i don't really know where i want to go with this and am just jotting down whatever comes to mind. i'm coming to realize this space really is just the ramblings of an odd individual who sometimes gets inspired to write but then grows distracted. maybe that has something to do with the why of things in life and the world...haha.

the more and more i think about it, i feel that while the why does matter and is of importance and consequence, it's not determinative of outcomes and one needs to focus on what to do about one's circumstances. this is very difficult for me personally for a couple of reasons. first, i'm just curious and always feel like if i know why then i'll be better able to deal with whatever it is...it provides a sense of closure at times and comfort at others. the second reason is that oftentimes it's difficult for me to really motivate myself into action mode. usually i'm scared...scared because i don't really know what i'm doing or what step to take...scared of failure...scared to even admit that...and on top of all of that, part of me just hopes that if my intentions are there and they're good, then something good will just happen.

so, when good things happen to people, is it just something that happens or is it something they make happen? that's a more accurate question in terms of my nite's wonderings. my personal guess? it's a combination of the two...things do just happen and people also do certain things to either make things happen or put themselves in situations where things can happen.

day of turkey & thanks

It's been a long time since I've done any blogging. I've got the easy excuse of the fact that I was traveling for a month, but even then I could have found the time and means to write a little something. And even before the trip it was possible to spend more time on this blog. But honestly, I felt uninspired for much of the time I wasn't writing. While away, I spent a fair amount of time thinking about writing and things to write about...hopefully I'll get to those topics shortly. But, today is the day of the great turkey, more commonly known as Thanksgiving.

So, what am I thankful for? Before I get to that, I'm going to admit that I had a slight panic attack of sorts yesterday as I became overwhelmed with figuring out aspects of my near future and my current life situation of not working. During said period of being overwhelmed I of course spent some time thinking and wondering about things and realized that, no matter the situation there's plenty of things to appreciate in life, especially with Thanksgiving and the holiday season going on.

And now, onto some of the many things I"m thankful for this year: my friends and family, the opportunity to spend a month traveling...and to be able to spend most of the time with my mom and a good amount with my brother (as well as a friend in London who was one of the more gracious hosts I've ever had). I'm thankful for the opportunity to meet a good number of new people during my trip...it's always nice to make new friends. I'm thankful that there are so many people back here who were happy to see me return and are such good friends in general. As a way of generally summing up what i'm thankful for, I'll say the following: I'm thankful for all that I have and the opportunity to see what tomorrow brings. I'm also thankful for the things I lack in life that I'm looking for, because it's important to have things to strive for in life.

I hope everyone has had or is having a fantastic, delicious and safe Thanksgiving. more writing to come soon...

finally, some ramblings...

i think this has been my longest absence from this space since i began writing here...and as with all the other times a gap in writing takes places i feel pretty lame about it. the past few months have been pretty eventful and involved a lot of change and adjustment, but all in a good way. but in the rush, hubbub, and tumult of it all it's been all too easy to become lackadaisical...and not just with the blogging but all the responsibilities of daily and adult life.

in all honesty, at times it becomes a bit frightening. like terrifying. one way to look at it is to see it as a lack of "gumption" or ambition. it easily comes off as that...but i know that isn't the issue. it's more of an existential crisis of sorts, one where i'm at the stage of knowing many of the standards that have applied (or at least existed and seemed to apply) are in ways irrelevant now, but i'm frozen and unsure of just what to do.

leaving LA and a job that left me dissatisfied was the first step in attempting to deal with the realizations of life and actually a way of preemptively dealing with the paralysis. in a way, it accelerated the paralysis...but in a good way. it avoided or curtailed a period of denial, i guess.

anyway...these are just tonite's ramblings that may or may not lead to anything of substance. life's tough to figure out. i'm hoping that this week's trip to Greece will help figure a few things out...a bit cliche, maybe...but hey...u never know, right?