life as a book

I really want to write but to be honest it's been an exhausting day. I was going to speak metaphorically about how life is book with chapters that close yet certain themes, characters, storylines, etc. continue even if some of those same things do not...and on top of that while a chapter may close, a character, theme, etc. may reappear many chapters later.

Yes, it's a lame and crappy metaphor. But you always hear about people closing chapters in their lives and so I was just thinking about it. Why? I feel like a chapter in my life was closed today. I've come to realize (and I wrote about this recently) that this is not the place for certain topics and in some ways I wish I hadn't been so open. I'm not going to live my life looking back, regretting but rather looking forward and learning from the past.

The point is I feel better and know that I gave all I had, tried my best, learned a lot and grew in the process. I made mistakes too, but we all do. Beyond that, they truly were mistakes, not attempts to do anything wrong or be hurtful. One thing that does bug me is certain ppl's perception of things [like hating on someone makes u a better friend...that's a weak way to prove your friendship], but in the end, who cares? An exchange from tonite illustrates the point:

• me: "I'm not an @$$hole..."
• Roth: "You are an @$$hole, but who cares?"
  

Haha. I am who I am. Hopefully you enjoy my silly ass company. If not, no worries. While I don't think I'm an @$$hole, that's not even the point. If you know me then you know me. If not, then oh well. Anyway, this is just a waste of words.

The future is the future and all that; clearly you can't tell what is to come. But I'm hopeful and definitely excited about things like this weekend in SF and a good friend moving down to LA from SF.

At the same time, closing a chapter is inherently difficult [while obviously being exciting as well...you always want to see what's next in a book]. But I believe this is especially true for someone like myself. It's hard to explain, and it's not just a simple fear of change. It's like how my close friends from high school still mean so much to me and how many of the great times from back in the day continue to mean so much.

I wrote about how I'm a collector once in an old blog post. I feel my difficulty relates to this because I associate the closure with, not quite collecting people and losing them, but...to be honest I don't know exactly what. I fear I sound silly. I guess the important things and people in my life remain that way...even with time and even through difficulties.

Anyway, I am looking forward and curious and excited and open to all the possibilities out there. Some of the best things are the unexpected ones. At this point in life, all I want to do is have fun with those ppl I love and also continue to grow and meet new ppl.
_________________________________

A highlight from tonite's early b-day dinner:

• me: "I'm not saying my car is fly..."
• Jose: "Ha, I'd never say that!"

Once again, thanks to my boys who won't be making it to SF for taking me out tonite for the b-day. One love.
_________________________________

update:
Ever notice how something really touching can just cause this flood of emotion to come out? I'm so touched by something I just read from one of the many loved ones in my life. =*] Thank you.